New Year

Last post before 2010!

I used to love New Years, or Mondays
And hailed them as new beginnings...
But it shouldn't be like that;
Really (for me) it was just an excuse to bleed excess the Sunday before, or in December...
It's hard to break out of that mindset of "Oh, I'll do that later"
But it should always be Now.
Love now.
Say sorry now.
Learn now.

This year is different,
I don't really have 'resolutions'
I have resolutions every morning.

I have one question:
How do we live like we will die the next day?

Happy new year!
What a fragmented post to end a year.

Love, Ev.

P.s. every year is insane. Change always catches me by surprise.

He is here

SCL #634. Having "This is weird, but..." moments.

I forgot that God is great.
I forgot that He is good. That he is now. That he is here.
That He is funny. That He is kind.

Thank you God. You turn my living room into a sanctuary,
A quiet moment into one of beauty, and meaning.

Hillsong United, "Desert Song"
I will bring praise, I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice, I will declare
God is my victory and He is here 

Fair Days

fair, "cut down sideways"
oh, my love, don't push it like the way we used to do
even if you get far, don't go far without me; i'll never make it

The days have been good. I'm finding many beautiful moments,
It breaks my heart, the beauty of this world-
the grace of the next.

(!)

Each day, every single day, "Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning" (Lam2:23).

I have been afraid to blog about it, afraid that if I wrote what I felt at that moment, I would not be consistent because the next would bring about a different joy, pain. I was afraid if I wrote that "I love God" or "I feel so distant from God" I would contradict myself, be... wrong. But, who am I kidding? Even the Psalmists, in distress from death or in joy of beauty they praised God, stood in his presence, and then wrote a poem about exactly how they felt. They were not afraid of holding back, they lashed out at God, begged God, almost bribed God, sang beautiful songs to God, praised God. Oh God, to be close to you I have to open up myself, see myself, know myself. I have been holding in every moment for so long, afraid to 'look' as something... but whatever! What. Ever! Your hand is holding me, so I will not be afraid of being open and vulnerable, anything to grow, anything to be closer, be more like You.

I am learning so much more about myself everyday, seeing my inner psyche, my inner world, seeing my flaws and beautiful spots, seeing how I am me and what I have been given is what my will will (have to) work with. I am not afraid to face myself, because God already knows... and he still loves me.

And all this is because of God's hand in my life. Everything, everything, the moments I think that are mine alone, the things I have no control over, everything God is using it to shape me, mold me, help me understand myself, my world, the world, God himself. The reason I was 'accidentally' put into Becoming Fully Human, the reason I did not drop out of Studies in Literature, the reason I was put into TC Media, the reason I am not doing WTF, the reason I am ashamed, the reason I am alive, the reason I am surrounded by the people I love and dislike; everything is leading up to the pinnacle moment of eternity: "in Him...we have our being" (Acts17:28) and from Him only can I draw eternal meaning. But should we sin to increase grace? Should I be sloth to increase meaning? No! I want to actively run, grow, change. I want my will so bad to be strong, to be brave, but in God is all good and perfect things (James1:17).

I will not be afraid to say what I mean, what I feel, what I think, what I have done right now. To show all of God's work. I hide the bad things? I don't hide them, per se, but... oh that I might show my wounds in order to show how God has worked in my life! No pain, no gain: the theology of the cross until heaven meets earth.

Down with fear! "Damn the devil" (qtd. T's 'vulgar' friend). How many times I excuse sin... I am so sorry! To God, to myself, to people I know, that I have not always been an ambassador of my Father and Saviour. That my emotional passion may weaken and still: that my inner passion of will never die. Ah, but right now I am emotional, not a spiritual high, but a realization that I was blind and now I can see: and yet I live the life of a blind man! How to help! How to do! How to be! How to love! Oh! It is hopeless, Christianity is hopeless, it is impossible it is illogical it is love and Christ is the only hope.

I want to read, I want to take a walk.
I want to pray and really listen. Really just be honest with God without being afraid I am not being correct, or good, so that I can be at peace I have shown my heart to Him (though He already knows)... this is a problem I have, I am pathetically afraid I am not being CORRECT. Childhood influences, social subconsciousness, tools of the Liar, whatever it IS I want it out of my head...

When I was reading a commentary on the Psalms, I felt so sudden a heavy hopelessness: the Psalmists experience hope and despair, in cycles over and over, and despair tenfold more than hope. How can I survive such despair? Loneliness? Abandonment? Rejection? How can I fully taste the sweetness of joy when I know there it is, despair. But there is so much hope, there is hope in Christ.

I want to be available. Now. Now is the key, I cannot decide to be available for later, I can only decide to be available for now. God, I am available now. I want to be completely honest with you, I want to spend more time with you, more than now. It's pathetic, thirty minutes a day. Or less. It is NOT enough. So many times, you touch my on my shoulder, elbow, knuckles and I miss communion/communicating with you. God, I am sorry! Please help me. I cry for help, but do not stretch out to hold your hand. I am silly. Teach me. Be firm. Be who you are. I want to give it up. I can't right now, you are not asking me, but when you say "give it up" I will willingly go. I say this with confidence because you will give me strength when I need it, just enough to make it my will and all in You. I want to live with joy. Let me not succumb to the world, remind me of who you are and what I am every morning when I pray and listen and you tell me the stories of your people, the story of me, the story of You and Your Son. I want to write and write and not look back to check. Here you go. Check for me. After I am done, then I will check, yes. I need to learn this.

How I am so tired, my eyes are weary but I cannot leave because I am afraid. I am afraid as soon as I leave this computer, You will again be distant and I will again know not what to do and then do nothing or leave. Don't let me leave. DRAW ME. Give me a taste so I will hunger for me. Lord, I pray to hunger. I pray to want. I pray for thirst and want. I want to always want more of You.

What is it like to be free? I am not completely, but I should know.

I have forgotten so many things. I am an empirical child, impossible. But you're so great and good. I am amazed. I want to sing! Play the guitar! Shovel the snow! Feed the homeless. Clothe the poor. To give up one thing is to give up your entire life... you cannot stop giving. Where do I begin? Pride? Money? Clothes? Selfishness? Acceptance? I know you do speak to me, just help me be attentive to your voice.

I love you and want to love you with my entire life!
I want to "come before you in heaven with a good report card" (qtd. 10 year old Anson who is getting baptized this Christmas). I want you to smile.

So many words, now it is time for rest.
For integrity and continuity.
Don't just stop here. Keep on going.
God, one more thing. Always one more thing. Please help me know you love me.
Oh forgive me, how easily I forget your Son! KKKKKaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeewwwwrrr.
How easy I cannot 'feel' it and therefore don't know it.
Help.

Always, help.

Thank you for listening and reading if you've gotten this far.
Please pray for me and know I am praying for you, and for specifics please tell me!

Thank You.

Thank You, God, that I can Read

"A book must be the axe for the frozen sea inside us."
- Kafka

Thank You, God, that I can read,
Taste! On which I cannot feed,
Look: back, in and out of here
Not alone in love and fear
That I can see another hand
And know that I can understand
Smell the blood of other backs
And see my own and what I lack

A feast, a mirror, a thing to know
(thank you God that I can read)
And most of all that I can grow.

I did not mean for it to rhyme, but it just happened that way. I didn't even want to write a 'poem'. Ah. Oh. Ee. Ah. Ooh- I had been stressing about my "Why I read, How I read, What I read" essay for ETS4U1 (Studies in Literature) and I was starting to wish I did not take the course, that I dropped out as two other people did, that I was eternally more insightful that I am now- and self-reflective too, while I am asking for miracles. I was worrying and unhappy and unable to trust God with my course- I was anxious about my marks and it hindered my freedom to do my best.

Today, I thank God because I feel I am free. It is not only an issue of marks, but of control and trust. I guess my own back is tired of shouldering my own (small) burden, so it gave way and now I don't have a burden. I am just doing to do my best, and truly not worrying about it because oh, what will worry do but lock up my cage and throw away the key (thankfully God's hand-eye coordination is amazing and manages to catch the key before it hits the bottom of the bin-of-no-return).

Anyways, I feel like there is hope! And in hindsight every obstacle has prepared me for bigger things and perhaps this small act of letting go of that which I really cannot hold and taking are of my own part to which I am assigned is preparing me to let go of bigger and more worry-some things.

Back to work, which I am now excited to do.
Much love,
E.

ghost

A song to listen to when you discover this photograph: "Love Affair", by Copeland.

This didn't turn out the way I wanted- or expected- but I like it nonetheless, and it says something. What do you think?

Thinking Of Grad

Prom dresses, anyone? This is mostly C's fault, she called me while I was working and we couldn't stop looking! These are from Dalia, spring/summer09 collection. Speaking of the end of the year, grad photos turned out so well... for everyone! Thank God I was last of the day, the photographer was a bit rough when the hands holding the roses and diploma weren't exactly right where they should be, but because I was last he wasn't rushed. I think I ended up taking 20 minutes, but everyone else's slots are 10 minutes.

Ah, back to school work.

Fair (8)

I have a goal to trek through indie record label, Tooth and Nail's 40 currently signed artists by the end of next week. Came across this band, Fair, yesterday and I am quite, quite in love. It came out three years ago (6/6/06 - gasp!) and is still so sweet to the ear; it settles in unobtrusively, but nevertheless with a fresh breath of autumn air and a feeling of awake-ness. Aaron Sprinkle (lead vocals) I've heard about here and there, being the notable producer for some of my favourite bands, but I've never actually heard his own music. My favourites from this album are "Carelessness" (their single), "Attic" and "Unglued." Lyrics are meaningful and intelligent, vocals are clean and with perfect harmonies, and a good mix of soothing ambient and indie rock.

Please, if you have time and an ear or two free, click on the album art for streaming at purevolume.com/fair.

P.s. This reads kind of formally and like a very badly done review. Main point is, they are good. And I like them. You know when you like music and words just don't do it justice, only listening to it can? Yeah. Listen to it.

An Ode To Thermos

No, I am not obsessed with my thermos.
This is for the lovely Donna, for a school project.

But, I would like to take this time to appreciate all that Thermos has done for me:
1. It has quenched my thirst during the long hot days of examination week. Of course, it had also caused constant breaks in my study in order to relieve myself... but anyway.
2. It has kept me hydrated during the long two weeks of crazy cold (cold as in the illness, but also a bit of cold, as in, well, 'brr' cold) last month. All I could do was sit around, mope and drink the hot orange-peel-herbal-Chinese-drink. Mmm. I love herbal orange drinks.
3. It has accompanied me during bus rides to church, crazy fun worship practices/parties and comfy cellgroup discussions. Apparently, thermoses are 'hip' so it has also helped me improve my 'look'.

Alright, back to attacking the 'History Essay Outline'.
I am not afraid, because my Thermos and I, we can conquer much of the world.

Thank You For Answering (With No)

Sometimes I pray for something that I know is selfish, but I ask for it anyway...
But I am glad that, though God listens, he doesn't always give us what we want,
Instead he gives us what is best.

If I had gotten what I wanted,
All the things I thank God for
Before I sleep
When I rise
I would not have been able to say.

Thank You.

P.s. One of the things I am thankful for: my cell group, Team Fly! The name is so lame, and not my idea :).

Handtrap

I am being trapped by my own weak willpower; my hand holds me down.
Going to take a breather.
Be back in a week.

... But Pulling Through (pt2)

I feel much more at peace now, after just having the phrase enter and expand and wave across my mind, "There is none like You." There is no one else to turn to, no other thing can do justice, no other song or picture or word can satisfy, no other is like You, "I could search for all eternity long and find, and find, and find, and find, and find...
There is none like You."

I have let a funk settle in me, and though it happens: that motivations sometimes lose sway, meaning sometimes leaves me without foothold, I still have a Will within me, I can still make a choice. Though we have nothing to call our own; we are born with our bodies and our personalities are shaped without our permission (many times), and everything else has been everything else, but we still have our Will. And our Will is what changes, that little thing that moves and grows every time you make a choice, and it is that Will that allows God to flow over and allows you to release. And it is that Will that will choose to take Hold and pull through, Pull Out.

Edit: And the weight is lifting more and more, how good You are to me!

Sinking ... (pt1)

My mom called a few moments ago, and I started crying because I feel like today has been so empty of meaning and motivation, and I am in turmoil over control verses trust, but is this trust I am facing the real and releasing Trust, or is it tired trust, or is it vain trust. I have not felt like doing or being anything today, I just am and that is a barely happening. I am kind of angry at - because he frustrates me, challenges me, and sometimes I think he is better than I (in a good way) and sometimes I think he is blind. I am not really angry at him, just angry that I have not said everything I need (want). I agree, but here is some more. I will say that soon. So many things and so many un-things are drowning me, and I do not even gasp for breath. I just sit and sink.

After I stopped talking to Mom, I realized that I had held the phone to my ear minutes after we had already hung up.

Edit: I am going to cut my brother's hair in three minutes, and I am excited because it gives me something to do and not only to occupy my hands and mind, but also is a chance to just clear my head. Sometimes, we fill our own heads with fog, and sometimes the things around us do, but there is always a line, a red ribbon, to draw us out and up.

24 is Enough

"We need more time in the day!"
We joke about that a lot, but really
We need to use the time we have wisely.
I mean, if we were given more time, we would just do the same things, but for longer...


Lately, my entire day has been homework or projects.
And that means I get less sleep,
And that means I don't spend consistent time in the morning with God,
Which leads to more worrying, more stress, more control
And when I say more control, I mean I want more control,
And I try to control, but really it is not in my control,
And I am allowing control to control me,
And worrying leads to even less sleep, which leads to less time
For myself, for my family, for my fellowship; in silence,
Which leads to guilt, which leads to less prayer,
Which leads to less trust, which leads to where I am now.

Oh, it's good to put things into perspective.

I cannot help but look at every day, every class and think about my marks,
Especially in Studies in Literature where you are never sure,
But really what I need to do is enjoy my classes, do my best and leave the rest up to God. It's hard to do that when I have slipped into the state I am in. Gotta get out, gotta get up.

It's so hard! I want to explode.
Instead, I will go to the Y. Eat dinner.
Pray. Sleep.

Listening - The Most Serene Republic, "Emergency Performance Art Piece"
Reading - George Orwell, "Animal Farm"

Sideline Face

It is the toughest to stand and watch the ones you love / move to something you can't follow
I am just a sideline face / watching their race
And the weather changes constantly

Trust In You

Psalm 56:3 | Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You.

Sometimes, it's just so strange how many things we hold on to and forget to give up to God. Homework has been pressing on my mind; it's taking up a larger space than it needs to and I wasn't even aware until today. I am afraid for every assignment; it's good I am actually trying my best but honestly I am just going to do my best and not forget that, though I am a student, I am also a sister, a daughter, a cell-group leader, a Christian, a human being who really needs to exercise.

Dinner and Desert | Went to Moxie's with my two only-ones and then went to Demetri's for a FAT, FAT waffle (wow just typing that gave my stomach a little flip of pain). It was just so relaxing, so good to be true, so warm and comfy. So immature and real. There's a certain posture we have with each other that is honest. We talk about nonsense, but we are communicating love.

FamJam | My entire family is so tired; my parents have Sunday School, Retreat Workshop, and Night School (teaching all three) and I have homework, homework, homework... (my brother is young and still care-ish-free) I am anticipating FAMILY RETREAT this Sunday-Monday. Setting time for something very important... (prepare for an inspirational blabber!:) is very important.

Listening - Coeur de Pirate, "Pour un Infidèle"
Reading - You Shall Know Our Velocity!

The Clowns (P19)

Ah, the staring of the clowns
Eyes move up
Travel down
They don't notice that they drown;

Ee, the talking of the clowns
Lips so big they are renown
Kissing ruse, through and through
Crowds of many, two by two;

I, observer of the clowns
Smell their sweet
Hidden deciet
Empty calories drag you down;

Oh, the crying of the clowns
Rushed mascara dripping down
Yearly trends will daily bind
Silly things of silly kind;

You, the clown, the clown, the clown
Hear me shout
Turn around
Deafly stand until you drown.

Parents at School What What What

Hey, today my parents came to school to talk with my guidance counselor and I. It was so great, we prayed out loud in Chinese in front of the main office before going in, and we passed a lot of staring visual arts students...

Encouragement Notes

Dear Evelyn-after-dinner,
Please remember to write those encouragement notes!
Love, Evelyn-before-dinner.

P.s. But seriously. Write them now.

Blessings/Growing

Blessing
You have no idea what a blessing you are to others:

Last week, I wrote an encouragement note to someone (who is probably going to read this) because I felt really prompted to after reading their blog and seeing them around fellowship. I was honest and just kind of put myself out there, and didn't worry about if the person who got the encouragement note would read it or take it seriously or anything.
This week, I got an encouragement note back from them that quite encouraged me and brought a huge smile to my face and made me say, "THANK YOU, GOD!" in my room out loud when I was by myself after fellowship at home (I am not a loser).
I blessed someone by such a small act of kindness, and that someone will bless another whole bunch of people who will bless others who will bless others. I did something small, and they will do something small... but if you add (1 + 1)^x and keeping on adding and exponentially exploding until your fingers hurt and you see years have gone by... okay, blessings multiply.

We're part of something really, really big...

-----

Growing
This is someone my dad models and something I am striving to specifically do. Maybe I will blog about every time I level up. I don't know. Anyhow, here is something:

Just a while ago, someone gave someone else credit for something good that I had done that positively affected them. It was nothing really big, but it feels good to be recognized, yes? After the initial indignation... the feeling just kind of slipped away. Instead of being annoyed that I didn't get the credit, I am very thankful that something good happened in their life regardless of whodunit. And in fact, the ultimate credit (and specific credit) should go up to God because the something I said was definitely not intentional on my part as I was just trying to get people to not notice some, er, technical, uhm, difficulties.

There are other examples of these small things regarding me getting credit that happened recently (and it is in the small things we see character and character change) that I am consciously aware of. God has changed another part of me through molding and humility and my soul is one step (out of a humongous finite or infinite number I am not sure) closer to being a little Christ.

HALLELU-JAH AY-MEN FRUIT BEARIN' BROTHAHS AND SISTAHS.

Simple Life

What a good day today was.
Simple, but you could see beauty and God everywhere!

I woke up at 12 (the second time I've done this in my life, other than being sick) pm, cooked lunch with Daddy, read the newspaper (what do you do when you read the newspaper? These are real people and they are locked up, beat up, raped up, shaken up. All I do is talk to God about it), prayed, did 1/4 of a sudoku (which I am failing at epicly... haven't done it for too long!).
Then, I went driving with Poppa (as in, I drove and he held on with fear in his eyes and a will in his mind... just kidding I am actually good) to church, then to McCowan and Highway 7, bought two scarved for FOUR DOLLARS (it was such a good find and my dad), found the most ridiculous thong in the world (I showed my dad and we were laughing for so long), wished someone a good day.
We went to No Frills and I realized I actually love grocery shopping, especially because I don't have to pay for anything and it's food! We bought so much food, my dad has been sighing ever since and telling me he will never bring me along ever again, his wallet is empty, lalala music to my ears he loves me and I love him.

Today, the sky was brilliant and the wind was perfect, and I enjoyed my Father and my father's presences very much... I find that whenever I think about praying later something inside me seizes up, but then I actually start to pray it is better, best, good. And now, I am enjoying Jon Foreman's soothing croon.

I am glad I am spending more time at home now... the past two months I've been out and running, for softball, for VBC, for friends, for birthdays, for farewells, for Resound, for Koinonia... but now I am more rested and home more and I can relieve dad of washing vegetables, and just be with him.

Father Time, steal our time, like a thief...
Come on and resurrect me!

VBC

VBC just ended tonight, still processing this entire world.
It's a big small place, these kids and friends and food and play... and heat and cold and illness and work and lost voices... and love and growth and patience and love and love and love.

Perhaps next post.

3rd Floor Till 3am

3rd floor till 3, these talks always leave me for the better.
Moma! Popa!

God is with me, wherever I go
He watches even while I rest from the run
And pushes me along when comes the wolf
Chastising me for my careless sleep

Arts Cafe

I spent the entire day with Erika, which was entirely wonderful, and when we got to church there were so many people for her to meet, and for me to meet, and to make welcome and to introduce and to tell stories to: it was busy and crazy and actually I enjoyed myself immensely (many times, these things make me feel lonely but I did not! This is happening the more I am myself, which is happening a little at a time - a growing and embarrassing process).

Usually when we are at these type of Coffeehouses or Art Cafes, I am constantly (worrying and) thinking about what other people are thinking about. And I'm looking at people's faces and guessing at what they are thinking, who is sleeping, why are they sleeping, why are they not being touched, why do they not completely and utterly relate to that sharing that reflects their life, blah blah blah.

Tonight, I went in and made sure to keep focused my self. Because, the only soul I have control of is my own (and even that is subject to the pulls and pushes of the impossible to resist and terribly beautiful God). So, I calmed my heart with the help of the thought of God, and was able to focus.

When I narrowed my mind to the voice of God, this is what I heard, "Why are you striving these days? Why are you trying to earn grace? Why are you crying, let me lift up your face, just don't turn away. Why are you looking for love? Why are you searching, as if I'm not enough? To where will you run child, tell me, where will you run? To where will you run. I'll be by your side, wherever you fall. In the dead of night, whenever you call. And please don't fight these hands that are holding you, my hands are holding you." Isn't that the most amazing thing: God spoke directly to me. He knew I needed this song when I did not know I needed this song, when I was hoping each song would reach someone this song turned to me and kissed me on the forehead and said, "Dear child."

Lately, I've been trying to earn grace and then realizing I've been trying and then trying to not try and then trying too hard and then finally, losing sight of the One I was first trying for. I realize I have an irrational and dishonest fear of not having enough time. I am trying too hard to be a good Christian, to walk in God's ways when I do not even know enough about him to fall in constant - constant! - love with him. I am afraid I do not have enough time to know him, so I am skipping all the steps of a real and tangible relationship for the end without the mean: and what is the end of the race without all the steps behind?

God has cleared up so many of my doubts and invisible fears tonight, and I am excited to begin again, and again, and again with Him. This is so amazing, just when I got stuck in a rut where I did not know where to turn He made me look up and pointed to me a road I know I must head.

All the past roads were necessary, as is this one: to get to know Him, to know Him and allow myself to realize how much He knows me. To relate to Him and learn to love him.

YES! Another reason to pick up from 1st Samuel where I left disheartened last week. Look out, King David. Evelyn is revived! RAWR!

A Hershey Holiday

The quality of this thoroughly sucks.
But here's to Hershey, PA & Virginia Beach, VA.

Here's to looking at battleships and old villages; beautiful and boring movies and winning an intense game of Chinese Checkers (haha beat one of my mom's best friends :) she was so sore); shopping and boating and catching nine fish, two of which were named Mrs. and Mr. Voldemart; beaches and wave catching and burning brothers; Indian caverns and fireflies; beautiful free four start hotel for a week; hours of basketball and disney channel (wizards, hannah montana, zach & cody...); gazing at Hersheypark's most feared ride: the thunderbolt! everyday while we passed with longing; chocolate, late night Bible readings (every night), sharings, best of all, family.

Here's to simplicity, growth, family and our Heavenly Father!

PS) And I almost forgot: here's to my dad's horrid singing that woke me up about a bajillion times on our 12 hour drive there.

ethernights (P18)

touch my skin
touch my skin
oh, the moon! touch my skin
lightly drape yourself around me
like the memory i am in

just my neck
just my chin
a light web to take me in
entangle me all unawares
in ether-breeze of know and whim

oh it's heavy
but it's sweet
the salty taste of nectarines
rolling down my deep valley-face
a new road for traveling

All My Friends Are Eating A Lot Nowadays

I feel like I am in a time of suspension.

Exams are still here...
Summer is waiting...

Enjoying life now, but won't miss it too much.

Rain, rain, I love it when you're here,
And I love it when you're gone!
All weather is all weather.

My stomach is getting flatter while my friends get fatter!
(I can hear the fans just singing along...)
Okay, that's not true. My friends are not getting fatter.
However much they eat, they seem to stay the same. Huh.

"Harshband"

Dad comes in, "Oh my Son! Sun-Sun-Sun!"
| "Josh, why does dad love you so much more than me?"
Dad goes out and comes in again, "Oh my Son! SUN-SUN-SUN!"
| "He even sings about you."
...
| "Dad, why are you so mean to me but so nice to Josh?"
"It's my job. I am a harshband."

I really love my family;
Let us grow! Let us flourish!
Every time something bad happens we always grow, learn, apologize, forgive, love: praise God.
Without him, we would be nothing.

I finished Genesis and Exodus. I got into Leviticus and, like many others, failed after the first few chapters. But... as I was reading it, it was so eye opening to see how delicate approaching God was/is. We cannot flounce in boldly. They had pages and pages of (numbing) detail on how to honour God. It is strange to think that God does not change. The love he has he had and has. He is still just... and terrifying... reading about the 10 plagues made me shiver. And... I wish we had regular Bible Studies at church to really learn a little about each book. I remember back at NTCAC we did Genesis... and every week we had to say a "God is..." or else we weren't allowed to leave class...

Exams are wonderful! Studying is actually enjoyable... with my windows open and the sun rushing into my open arms, neck, toes. I have really, really cute toes. Today was a new day.

I forgot to do my one hour today. Going to do that now.

Hard Tuesdays, Clear Mind

Working hard: studying for five hours everyday and enjoying it very much.

Playing hard: making the most of many moments spent with amazingly unique people; even walking home is a game. It seems to take longer and longer each day to walk because of the things we talk about/make fun of/laugh at/sing/make strange noises like (or not like, since it isn't anything I've ever heard before).

Exploring hard: so engrossed in the Universe and the sheer size and magnificence of it. Oh, these DK books. Have you seen those nebulae? How small I am. Doesn't it make you still to think that this is happening (or, technically, happened) while we are thinking about trivialities?

Disciplined: Exercise (jogging in the mornings, push ups and sit ups mixed in with weird yoga stuff every so often, a few times a day), an hour for God a day (a challenge from Crazy Love Sunday School this week). Balance: at least what I can do about it.

Exploring hard: so engrossed in the Bible and the sheer size and magnificence of it. Starting to understand the love for this book. I want to know God more. I want to love more. Be equipped. Be ready to speak. Be still.

Building hard: Family. Working hard at building my own part of the bridge. When I make Wor Teep with Crystal, we were just complimenting each other so much on the food and just saying how good it was in general. When I made it for Josh, he didn't even say thank you. I see so much of myself in my brother, it makes me sad. Learning to tell my parents everything. Trusting them and having them pray for me. Having them keep me accountable. Must spend more time with Josh though.

Things have never been better. I can think, my eyes aren't muddled, my head not clogged. I can breathe, I can run, I can spell words wrong at the top of my voice, I can kick doors open and be a ninja leaving the school, I can be ugly and be loved, I can do things now, I can let go of pride of stupid things. I am missing some of my favourite people, I am spending more time with others, I am thirsty but I got a thermos now, even though it leaks like mad, I forgot my agenda but it's okay, I don't care, I care so much; I am myself and comfortable and learning and stumbling in the best way.

Clap your hands, all ye children.

Good Thursdays and Bruised Elbows

I bruised both my elbows when we went to wonderland on Thursday!
Wow, what a good day - good days make me tired.

Wonderland, we went on 14 rides... Behemoth twice in a row, five minute line ups; got wet while unbuckling our seat belts and trying to hide from the water in white water canyon; convincing the guys to go on the merry-go-round and naming my horse Starfire-Rose-Ruby-Red-Heart; trying to make conversation with a girl beside me on Drop Zone, but learning that she doesn't speak English (but she's white!); screaming on Thunder-Run; singing Oh Canada up the wooden rides; making friends with friends.

Coffeehouse, amazing. Honestly, God took all our pieces and fit them, tying them together in ways I never would have imagined for this coffeehouse. My monologue was about a party girl, a drinking girl, a girl who could not find herself under everything - and Evangel follows it up with a sharing about wanting to be a 'cool kid' as a child, giving up everything to be cool, like the girl in the monologue... but coming up empty, wanting more. The second worship set ended with 'By Your Side' (Tenth Avenue North) and then Zoe sharing about trusting God, about him being with her always. Then Graham spoke... and just. Oh! Everything was good. And I think everything was neccessary for someone... I thought the message was a bit too philosophical for some in a sense, but I know it was useful for a friend of mine ("IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE! FREEDOM MAKES SENSE!") and Zoe's sharing touched a friend and... Oh!

Then, back home, I studied for Biology, and honestly it was the best I've ever studied. Ever. I finally learned how to study! Growing is so surprising. Another surprise: I was reading 'Mere Christianity' by C. S. Lewis, and he was talking about how it is strange how we are always so surprised at the passing of time: 'My, just yesterday he was ten years old...' 'Time just flew by!' 'It felt like an eternity'. It is like a fish, every so often, going 'Hey look: it's wet!' He was talking about how we were made for more than time, that we are creatures that were designed for the ever of for.

I can't believe I have friends! No, but I mean... look at them. They like me!

I Have Never Walked So Slow

WOLVERINE | I watched Wolverine with Candace - I love her - and I would love to blog about how embarrassing she is (let me give you an example: she walked around with a balloon parrot on her head in SilverCity. And then on her leg. Why. Why. WHY) and how much fun we had but, yes!, no, I won't.

WAITING | I called Simon to check bus times for me, and he said the 40 comes at 6:24 but after waiting for a long time, I went home and checked and it actually comes at 7:02. So, I walked out of the house with 15 minutes to spare. I have never walked so slow. The path from my house to the bus stop takes 3-5 minutes at most, and I had 15 minutes. At first, I was hurrying (why are we forever going somewhere in a rush?) but then I slowed down and turned around and saw the Sun. The moment I pivoted the rays pierced through the clouds. And like the parting of waves and hair, the floating dream of evaporated breath ran off to reveal a marvelous light. It was magnificent. I have never walked. So. Slow. Every day, I go to school in a rush, missing everything, you know? Every day, I walk to class in a hurry; everyone does. Yesterday was just a good chance to slow down, breathe, and realize how beautiful the world was. I sing out loud a lot when I travel now. I want to learn to bake cookies and give them to people I meet on buses, if they aren't scared of cookies from strangers. But, oh!

WHY | do so many people miss the beauty in grey days?
So much good and bad has happened since Friday; I wanted to blog about it, but instead I just talked to friends and family and, hey, things are better and light.

(Grand)mothers

Mommy
I interrupted my mom's Sunday school (she was teaching) to give her a flower and the Aunties and Uncles did this: "AWWWWWW" collectively. It was amazing.

Ma-ma
My family sat in the dark after a Josh-Me-Dad-cooked dinner, surrounding an orange candle in our living room. Dad wanted to tell us about Grandma, because we didn't really know about her, other than that she loved us very much. He started off by telling us about her destructive relationship with my Grandpa, and how it caused hate and bitterness. It was so terribly sad so I cried at all the things that composed what was their family's tear-filled song. But I just praise God for changing my dad to become a man of Him, because my grandparents' lives were also changed. My Grandma liked to travel, and went to live with all eight of her children. I asked if they loved each other, and he said they did have some romantic love near the end; when my Grandma was away, my Grandpa would write love letters to her. After my Grandpa went heavenward, my Grandma got lung cancer. Before she died, she said she was afraid of three things: 1) losing sight in her other eye 2) not being able to see her entire family 3) pain. My dad always prayed with her and God gave my Grandma all three wishes before she went home.

Por-Por
I just got off the phone with my mom's mom. I haven't talked to her awhile; I kind of sense that she would rather talk to my mom, maybe our generational gap is too big. Anyway, it turns out she is learning English. No, you don't understand: she. Is. Learning. English. WHAT?! She is 92 years old and has never spoken an English word in her life (other than 'fank-you'). Apparently, the manager at her home is teaching her. The first word she told me was supposed to be "exercise" but apparently it's "lee-ser-lee". Then, she got intense! She knows "Beeef," "Chic-kun," "Mil(k)," and "Oranguce." I was running back and forth from my living room and kitchen yelling "GRANDMA YOU ARE SO GOOD!" and telling my mom what she was saying. It made me so, so happy and I'm glad I didn't say bye to her (I gave the phone to my mom) or else I would have burst into tears because I have so much love for her inside of me. Before, when she said bye to me, she would refuse to hang up the phone first, so I would have to and all I would hear is "Bye-bye, la! Bye-bye, la!" She really breaks my heart. I am making a new commitment to pray for her everyday.

Speaking of praying, right now I'm inconsistent again, so I will start small and build up. 15 minutes in the morning and 15 minutes before I sleep. Keep me accountable? Eek, it's already 10:30.

Miracles At TC

It is so, so late, at least for me, and I am supposed to be studying biology for tomorrow's quiz, but I can't because I just feel so excited to write the poem for 4:24! I really didn't know what on thoughts and pencils and outsides to write about, but I asked God to give me something to share with other people and then boom a scene hit me. It was from TC jr, the last night. It was during altar call that Candace and I decided to step outside for some fresh air. I never blogged about this, but we had such a good conversation, one of those that makes you go, Yes, I understand. Oh, okay I was going to blog about how I am talking to Simon about his 4:24 poem and how amazing it is (All Of My Reason To Dream) but now I want to blog about something that happened during TC that amazed the doubts out of me.

The night before TC, during the Concert of Prayer, my brilliant and God-given TC coaches lead our team into a reflection in our own room, where it was quiet and still. First, we were just asked to reflect upon our past six months with each other, and to pray. I don't remember the exact details, but I remember that people started crying, humble apologies came out, honesty peeked out a little. And in the midst of it, I felt God's presence with me very strongly. And I had no doubt that it was God, and I felt that everything I was praying was perfect, pleasing and would be answered.
We were to wash one another's hands; when you were ready you would go up and have your hands washed, and after you would take the place of the person before you and await someone elses dirty fingers. During my prayer, I knew that I had to wash Candace's hands for some reason. I wanted to comfort her so badly, to be the one who would say the right words for her, but somehow I knew it wouldn't be me. I asked God to let me wash her hands, and so I went up and immediately afterwards Candace came up.
Afterwards, we were presented with our media sweaters. Before we could put them on, our counsellors gave us words that God had impressed into their hearts. Michelle just sent me the list: vessel, willing, adopted, beautiful, and on. It was so amazing, because somehow I knew who would get what words, I thought of the words before the counsellors said it.

It wasn't a gigantic miracle or anything, but it was to me because it just felt so amazing to be connected with God through something as personal as my thoughts.

"Safety"

Yesterday, I went to Crystal's house for 12 hours to work on our Biology Video Project, our topic being "The Advantages... Blah Blah... Steroids." It was so epic! We wrote the script and all that, but when we actually did it we came up with so many good ideas right on the spot, and it was so funny because Crystal had to pretend to be a nerd dying from asthma (wearing a neon green UHS shirt with a dress shirt underneath) and it came so naturally for her! And then we got her older brother to help us, and he thought we were insane. Like for one scene, we were Dr. Seuss characters, and we were singing a song. I couldn't stop laughing so we asked him to help us and he's like, "Okay, YOU can sing about proteins all you want, but don't drag me in there with you." It was really fun, we were insaaane; there are so many things I want to write but no one would laugh because it was good only then and to us. I was so comfortable at her house (as always), we were sitting so cho-lo and everything: plus we were ultra-ugly. Like, seriously, so ugly. So we decided to camwhore a little and I wanted to gag looking at our pictures, haha! Yes, I love her a lot.

And oh, I taught her what "Safety" means, and farted at least once every fifteen minutes. Even during dinner with her family (HAHAHA) but I didn't say safety then, because... that's just... no. But yes, thinking about yesterday makes this bad morning much better.

Safety.

How Good It Is To Have (P17)

God uses me to make a difference!
I am more than nothing in Him.

Please help me with the 4:24 poem, I don't know what to write but it's all good because it's for You!

-

Up and down and all the time:
This flux and fleeting world of woe,
So much farther - roads of hunger,
Blur colours faster - farther to go.

But, how great is it to have a hand,
To hold and touch and feel the hand,
Upon your back - bones of flesh and hearts of strength -
To allow for you to stand;

How good it is to have a fire,
A warm and zealous, raving fire,
Upon your core - the heart of strength and soul consumed -
To allow for words inspired;

How awesome is this Hand of strength,
Fire commanded, frown and fine
Calming seas and hearts and mine
Gentle now - and there and here and forever and then.

Seek And Ye Shall Find!

Amazing: seek and ye shall find! Knock and the door shall be open unto you!

My parents attended this prayer conference,
And now we are all trying to pray everyday for half an hour.
After YMCA tonight, I sat on the couch from 10:00-10:30,
And I didn't even intend to pray for that long, but it happened,
like a natural conversation, I prayed and actually heard.

I was praying about how I really didn't know what to do when my friends are gossiping/mean-girl talking about other people at lunch. Should I say something? What can I even say? (Many times before, I'd pray about something that I planned to pray about, but now I pray about what is in front of me, to get it out of the way. The real problems are the daily trials, because God has the future and it is now that we always forget about; now that we have to change, not tomorrow; now that we have to stop doing this, start doing that - we are such procrastinators! Of everything! One more minute... next month... next year... when I am 17... in the summer...) So I just prayed that I didn't know what to do! And my Bible was right in front of me, and I thought "Wow, Evelyn." So I started to read Romans because I just felt drawn to it, and what I read was what I needed.

It reminded me that God knows me, truly, and sees me everywhere I am. That he has made me clean through his grace and that I need not feel guilty because his blood speaks for me. I have tried to use works as a way to deal with my own wrongdoings... I felt that God's grace was not sufficient but here it says it is! It is enough to free me.

Romans 8:6-8 "The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so. Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God." I've been struggling with downloading music, and honestly so many people I talk to about it say "it's okay" and "everyone does it" but really, it is still stealing and is unholy in God's sight. I have been thinking so long to give it up, but I haven't been able to! I've been taking it out of my mind, convincing myself it is so small, it is nothing, but sin cannot be where God is. Anyway, it says those who are controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God. And God commands us to love him with all our heart, souls, mind and strength... and I am not. I am being controlled by my own wants (as we all are born) but now that I read that verse, is it so reassuring that these things don't matter in the long run. Anyway, for now I am going to fast music/downloading/iPod/iTunes for May, because sometimes when I do devotions/pray music distracts me; also I spend a lot of time doing Album Art, looking for new music, etc.

After reading the first part of Romans 8, I came across a section titled "More Than Conquerors". This blew my mind away, because Simon sent me a song titled that, and I knew it was from the Bible but I never knew where it was from... I just started sighing, laughing, shaking my head and tearing up because it was a verse I highlighted a long time ago to help myself remember it/get through hard times and God just reminded me of his grace.

I am praying more and more... so many times, I forget to pray at school and that's when I screw up and I am impatient, unkind... but I am on an upward slope. Praying for many, many people right now, and somehow when I pray for them, a verse comes up that I can use, or I know what to pray for.

I said "I love You!" to God, and I just really pray and hope that I will do so through my actions daily. Pray for me!

Blessings to everyone,
Evelyn.

what is in front of me

i've been writing a lot lately
in notebooks, in emails, in my head,
so i am not sure what to blog about except what is immediately in front of me:

friendship bracelets
so many of them. they are getting better and better. i have made 20 and more already! at first, the ones i made for tcmedia were 4 stringed, but i realized that 6 or 8 strings are more fun to make and, i think, a little prettier. i don't know, it depends if they want it subtle or not. i have not asked rachel hon yet, i just realized. what colour would you like? i have all the colours and more. at least three shades of blue. electric, lapis, pale.

gross things
my dad just showed me an uncooked ox-tongue, it is so gross! speaking of gross things, i saw a pooh this long (at least a foot, maybe even more!) at school! i tried to flush it, but it was perpendicular to the toilet hole , so it wouldn't go down when i tried! so gross, but i couldn't stop laughing. another gross thing, the ground was littered with hundreds of earthworms! i think earthworms are actually beautiful in their own way, but it was so gross, having them spilling onto the sidewalk, drying up, dying, moving for moist environment to allow them to diffuse oxygen into their bodies (i like biology, yes. i am going pretty well in school, ptL. but most importantly i am enjoying school and finally learning how to study and how i learn).

my dad
he just sang "poor little gal, pooh-ar little gal! poor little fathah!" i don't know what he is singing about, but it's wonderful. i like the gloomy weather a little bit, i feel very cosy in it. and now, i will go help dad make some yummy vegetables for dinner and do a lot of work.

The Sky Is Blue Today!

Wow! Did you see that?
I looked up and the sky was blue!
It was such a pleasure walking home.

Yesterday, I was slightly put out walking home. I wanted to leave early, but a friend stopped me
in the name of being nice, saying 'don't go, don't go!' I ended up on the road home alone anyway, leaving the useless, bloating noise of the after-school conversation. I walked quickly and, irritated, I wished that my walk was shorter, my legs were longer, my steps swifter.

Today, I left without a goodbye. Walking quickly down the road, I looked forward; then left, right, left, no cars, and on my own way. I was suddenly reminded to look up. I did, and behold! It was blue! How magnificent, the sky is blue! I take it for granted, but it was cloudless and beautiful so I started singing. Seeing how the walk home was in the cool of shadows, I took a longer path through the park, and started skipping. I love twirling and I did it. There are so many words to describe unhappy things, misery, despair, anguish, bleakness, but only a few to describe good things. I don't know, it just felt good to take my time in the sun walking home. I even said hello to the people blowing leaves from my backyard.

-

Reading (done): Screwtape Letters.

bragging and being

I think everyone is more beautiful the less they brag and the more they be.

It's funny how the two
should teach me lessons
in ways such as so.

-

I am struggling.

the like of you (P16)

i must say,
i have quite not the like of you
as rocks eat up the how of soon
as we ululate to the sleepless moon
as the sun burns to the tune, to the tune
so i've not quite the like of you

i must say,
i have quitenot the likeof you
as flowering rocks turn july to june
as we remember the shadows of noon
as sunburns plastic and papers spoon
so i've notquite the likeof you

i must say,
i have quitnote the lifoke you
as rocks pregnated swell and swoon
as we are killed by that of goon
as sunward turning burned balloons
so i've notquite the lifoke you

slave

what do you think about most?

whose slave are you?

treasure

our life here on earth determines our entire eternity
if i have ever thought that, i thought it as a thought
and not thought it as a belief, and not believed it enough to do

if i believe in heaven,
how come i have not stored up treasure?

both today's program at charis
and paul washer's sermon
really put things into perspective

and to think...
does it even matter?
come on.

come on, evelyn, come on!

--

and God really listens

conjoyment

i'm reading a book called
"the geography of bliss"

and basically it's about 'one grumps search for the happiest places in the world'
he went to switzerland (he being eric weiner) and said that in general, the swiss had a kind of happiness that was like contentment and joy... but not as still as contentment and less outrageous than joy. he labeled it 'conjoyment'.

i am feeling very conjoyful.

-

tc's over and school's back
i think for the first time, i am growing steadily and following after God
as in before, i'd usually have spiritual 'bursts', or 'highs' or even highs that would last for a month or so, but would die out because of exhaustion, or not living up to standards that i set on myself (more on that later)
but now... i feel a sense of solidness, like i am surprised that i am actually growing slowly and steadily because i've never felt like this before.
of course, i've felt immense peace but it only lasted a short while... but this is like i'm on a firm foundation.
i guess it has a lot to do with my life being more disciplined, and everything to do with God.

i mean, before i used to care so much about this game we play called 'social-life'
i'd stay after school to chat and chat about the dumbest things
or i'd stay up late at night talking on msn about the dumbest things
social life served it's purpose for a while, but honestly it has not contributed to anything
you could say that you get to know and be more comfortable with people
but we never get very far and relationships become stagnant and i do too
anyways, off from my anecdote

i used to be very... how do i say this.
i used to set these impossible standards for myself,
like i didn't give myself enough room to grow,
and as i failed those tests, everyday i'd beat myself and shut down
like for example, i'd pretend i was such a strong Christian
but i'd do everything but not actually do it in Christ,
i'd just... do it.

i'm trying to be as honest as i can now, to myself
it's a struggle i'm always facing, because as a child i've set impossible standards for myself
maybe it has to do with wanting to deserve love.
the thing is, i've never deserved it but i've always gotten it.

i feel very... free. like the weight of self-imposed guilt has vanished
i am fearing everything less and trying to love more

i am still scared sometimes to 'show' God at school,
and it's very sub-concious and unintential in a way,
i'd be going to the library with my bible and i'd hold it so no one could see it
but then i stop myself and go... what am i doing.
i wasn't even thinking of hiding it, but there i was hiding it and it's just all these small things i've done to stop God from entering my life at school.

today in the library, i was sitting at a carrier close to the window
and a non-christian acquaintance from drama was there and asked me for help
his name means "friend of God" but he's openly declared that he's the farthest from that...
so he asked me for help in physics, and i helped in...
well, what i am saying is, i didn't really care what he thought.
i mean, i was praying and reading the bible and whereas before i would be scared of other people seeing it... didn't matter to me anymore.

i know, it's something very stupid to be scared of... but it was always there.

what i am realizing is everything little thing i DO, God can be in it.
someone praises me at school for a talent or whatever, i don't give credit to God, i just say 'thanks' bashfully and change the topic.

i think i got into too many anecdotes there,
but the point is i am conjoyed that i am slowly growing
but i really need prayer that i don't stop and can really begin being a light in this darkness

i am such a fool for being stuck in my own little storm,
but now God's shown me a little bit of what it's like above the storm

today i wrote out all that love was "love is patient, love is kind" and i just saw how much sin i've really been committing, you know?

sin of ommission, sin of commission

lately, i've also learned to take things less personally,
i get hurt sometimes over very minor things still,
but it's gotten better.

the more i grow in God, the more i... am.

of course, i have so much more growing to do
SO MUCH MORE to DO!
but for now, i just wanted to share my conjoyment.

--

blog later:
- tc & miracles & hurts
- masks: easy to see, hard to penetrate
- serving

but this is for now.

strangely dim

'and the things of earth will grow strangely dim
in the light of his glory and grace'

isn't it such a miracle that when we see one thing,
we our eyes physically focus on only one object,
everything else on the peripheral, everything else surrouding
becomes strangely blurry, strangely dim?

life is a wonder.

too often, i miss these things
and am flooded by complaints, worries
drowned by petty pains... unhappiness... unrest...
too often, i miss out.

today i was having a gigantic stomach-ache,
and i was just thinking of that war that was going on inside my body
how everything was hurting and fighting,
and i was amazed i was still alive after how i don't treat my body well,
and i was able to appreciate how strong my body is,
i really understood what God meant by my body being a temple...
and not only my body, but my mind... my interactions...
everything is a temple
and i have been vandalizing it.

the past few days,
i have procrastinated and procrastinated talking to God
and every night i would look back and say,
i was busy, i filled my day, but what for?
and i would promise to live tomorrow,
but it is seize the day, today.

i think i will be made very small in the next few days,
i am not sure, but i am sure i will be made into something.

i am excited for tomorrow practice at ETCBC,
we are dancing! we are creating a dance,

i really hope tcmedia gets it together,
for our own sakes too, because when we know it well, well, well,
we can worship even when we are on stage.

i guess all i can do is my own part,
and turn my own eyes upon Jesus.

i am a little scared of going to him,
but i know he loves me. and he's beside me,
and outside me and here. now.
and... yes. i am going to go and pray now.

i feel like a baby again.

crouching monsters, hidden shirts

an ode to an old love's lost love,
this is to be seriously taken un-seriously and seriously.

a creeping and a licking,
a sticky tongue sticks out
a growling and a crawling,
the monster spins and shouts

on the bosom of the one
who loves it dearly as the sun
which shines and radiates the light
the monster creeping in the night!

a licking of a growling thing
a crawling of a creeping thing
the spinning and the shouting
of the monster on it's outing

it is running, it is hiding
oh the monster, it's abiding
on the bosom, some shirt of white
i hope the monster's found alright.

2Chr20:12

"we do not know what to do, but we are looking to you for help"

the next two weeks will be scary
but i am already at peace because we have won
and all we have to do is fight for our predestined victory

what else is there to live for?

hermetic

periods tell of what and how;
i fell down the stairs yesterday,
in more ways than one.

my heart, my heart
a hermetic heart
sealed shut, airtight.
it does its part,

it runs, it runs
from truth. it tells
with fancy prose.
it swells; to hell

i run, i run.
You walk on water
clear to red,
and crown to slaughter.

an immature heart
bruised, battered, airtight
i walked on the left,
and you were quite right.

God is Good, As Always

oh, i am longing for so much more.
thank you, this is the heart i want!

God is so good,
he knows me, every single part.
He gives me everything I need;
he gives me pain and he gives me joy.
And everything is "unto the Lamb, who sits on the throne."
And I really am afraid in the back somewhere,
I am always, always afraid. But the thing is...
God is good. All the time.

Wow.

God has given me so, so much.
I MUST give it back.
I am very, very weak and always, always afraid.
But this will to give it back is so much stronger,
and it's not a feeling it's a knowing in here AND in here.
And I will fall, so please be his hands,
as you already are.

I was kind of scared for TC Media, but:
I am not God!

And God, who is God, is good.

NTS: EQUIP YOURSELF.

I want to say all theses specific examples,
But right now, I just want to share my JOY.
I am going to go pray, I wish everyone would have this JOY,
and that is why I must cast aside myself.
I have no idea how to really do that,
but I know, I KNOW,
Always, the moments, the pains and joys, the humility:

God is Good.

hurting back

i am losing things i love to do.

life is good - painful and joyful,
i don't want to write about it and just be.

poems iv

three more poems:
november, december...
february.

i grew each month, now that i look back.
staring at my feet, it seemed like i did not move at all.
but really, i was picked up and had flown.

please,
enjoy

hit so fast (P15)

today.
i was hit very hard by a metaphor,
and then saved by God

hit so fast by anxious thoughts
of forward falls and autumn awnings
he swore in sign, the grey girl yawning
i moaned of pregnant clouds

hit so fast: my speech impaired-
take back last, 'tomorrow's hollow'
my breath borrowed, yest'day's swallow
i swore to mist-ate crowds

hit so fast: my bones dried red
blood-like fingers scripted murders
playing roles of great white herders
more oft' than most allowed

the people are crying, thinking, dreaming (P14)

december 1, 2008:
it is cold outside, and i am thinking of a book.

how can backs bent straighten
untouched is his tear, it is open
bent and broken, right over unspilled
the coffee beans are dissolved and

how can cried creeds remain
against the cool of insecurity
of airplanes crashing in mid freeze
winter cold and the orange fray and

how can thoughts of thinking unravel
when mysteries within themselves
are confounding conundrums,
i dream, i think, of you.

the scientist (P13)

november 25, 2008:
listening to coldplay.

sitting in shades of brilliant colours
reddrops are falling from mars
lying beside you, words circle the ice air
"you don't know how lovely you are"

trying on sweaters five sizes my difference
woven similarities, ours to claim
warming our backs on the back of your heater
"you don't know how lovely you are"

writing the letters across the piano
melodies from the five cent fingers
songs are sung, in the dark of street lanterns
"you don't know how lovely you are"

blue slumber calls you into the sun
equations make sense no more
sweet last kiss, yours are my honest wings
"you don't know how lovely you are"

i went on a date

i went on a date

with myself.

yesterday, i promised that i wouldn't turn on the computer

and i broke my own promise because i needed to find a bus route.

so,

i went to ymca by myself by viva.

i was having a bad time connecting to myself/God that morning,

so i just said, hey, i'll just go and calm myself down.

on the way there, i saw an asian lemonade juice box,

and i was going to walk by it, and then i was like HEY!

i will not stand for this! and i picked it up (cold, ouch!)

and walked through a gargantuan pile of snow to the garbage can,

and walked through a different gargantuan pile of snow back.

i looked like i peed on my pants while they were down,

but it's okay because they were my black jeans (yes, i wear them everyday).

after ymca, i used the same bus ticket

(wow, i didn't spend so long there... but it felt good nonetheless!)

to go and find some black duct tape for my bootsies.

it was very cold outside, and walking to home depot was hard.

but the parking lot was empty-

(except for a white van... ooh let me label it with the stereotype 'sketchy')

-and i wanted to dance!

but my ears were falling off so i did not,

next time i will.

i did not find my duct tape, but i found other things.

but they are a secret, for secret reasons and secretive purposes.

it was good to spend this time for myself,

because the next few days are going to be people-fied.

aloneness never felt so good.

anyways, i hope you get to be alone everyday!

it's great! but real aloneness, none of that nonsense loneliness.

love, Ev.

ps) my post was kind of 'boring' but i haven't really

blogged about my life in a long time, so i am learning again.

you can do it, cherie!

my dear cherie,

i want to say:

YOU CAN DO IT, BABY!

yes, i know, piano is just so stressful

it is so hard to practice those hours everyday

and it is harder and fingers are getting more tired

as the day approaches (TWO DAYS!)

and even though it's going to be a bit nerve racking,

it's going to be a bit pulse-racing,

i want to say:

YOU CAN DO IT, MON AMI(E)!

^with your hairy chest, i'm not sure if i should put in the E.

but, please know, piano is also a blessing from God,

it is something that you can do, something others

have never touched, something people 50 years old

wished they learned. piano is fun sometimes, no?

and though exams isn't fun,

i want to say:

YOU CAN DO IT, LUU GWOR SHIN!

and, know that, i've been praying for you a lot,

at first, i prayed that you would get a good mark,

but afterwards (don't hate me) i prayed that you would

just enjoy it, get an understanding examiner,

play it for something bigger than you, be able to be disciplined.

and that you would be happy with EVERYTHING,

not just that it's over, but that you gave your best

(everything that is past is your best now)

and you'll be satisfied even if the actual exam day

doesn't work our that well.

anyways, one more time:

YOU. CAN. SO. FREAKIN'. DO. IT!

plus, afterwards you get to hang out with me

and we get to watch hours of your favourite show,

and bake some MILK CALENDAR products that WON'T TURN OUT LIKE CRAP.

but for now,

cheers to life after piano!

look to God.

phil4:13 i can do all things in Christ who gives me strength.

i used this verse to keep me going when i was the weakest

i gave this verse to zoe when she was SO nervous for skating,

and now it's for you! take it!

I CAN DO ALL THINGS IN CHRIST WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH.

until later,

always, Big Bright Horse with the AWESOME GLASSES

ps) i only do embarassing things at school when you're around...

- falling in the three-ended hallway

- falling on the stairs because i was blind

- WHOA BUDDY!

pps) i miss you! our date better work. what date? we didn't plan it (:D) so it better work.

today was a bit rocky

GOOD MORNING,

SNOWY BANKS & STUDY BOOKS

this morning, i was in touch with reality.

i was grounded, and i was light,

like i could be lifted by a breathe.

i get this feeling what i am disciplined

and when my elbows don't ache.

LAST NIGHT,

BROWN CUSHIONS & GREY'S ANATOMY

yesterday,

i was talking to a close friend.

her life is very, very broken.

she was back with someone who hinders her growth,

she talked about clothes like it was a part of her identity,

she talked about music as a saviour from the silence.

i was in such pain watching this,

and everytime i wanted to say something,

i didn't

because it was not for me to say anything,

but just listen.

i cried to God, please save my dear friend!

i do not know what to do! i was aching:

i want her to have life to the full;

in touch with reality,

in touch with her identity,

in touch with God.

but, God's timing is perfect,

he really knows who we are and what we need.

this morning, my devotion was

"The LORD shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace."

yes, i may cry. yes, i shall pray!

but it is HE who will fight, not i,

and i shall hold my peace.

AFTERNOON,

THEY HATIN' ON THE 80s

i had such a great anthropology exam;

studying was fun! i learned a lot of things,

i was just reading and wikipedia-ing everything,

and coming up with random things like:

THE DEVIL'S SWIMMING POOL (search it up, i want to go)

i found glasses in the basement,

and i wore them, but no one really liked them.

i didn't really care, because i liked them.

how wonderful life is, to find glasses like these.

i hope you see this evangel.

TONIGHT,

I CAME UP IN ASHES AND BLOOMED.

tonight was very bad for me,

i could not help but judge,

but i am not better, and if i point fingers,

then i point fingers at God who sent him.

i am much less than him if we count works and years,

much, much less.

i prayed that my pride would not take a hold of me,

that it wouldn't become a foothold for the devil,

so God took me down so i could look up to him.

all my conversations were useless

and a little fake, and i just wanted to be alone.

so i did go off by myself, but people came

and i didn't really mind. it's just,

hopefully people understand my being alone,

doesn't mean i'm lonely.

and sometimes, there's no need to come.

and sometimes, there is.

it's up for discernment or guesses.

having a reltaionship with God is so good!

you can touch base with the Light of the World

at anytime! all the time! i am still a baby,

and am not able to do that.

growing is touch, the process if hard, but so, so beautiful.

then i was afraid of satan,

that he would attack God through me through the ones i love.

but God told me, three hundred and 65 times:

Do Not Be Afraid. and oh, fear of the Lord

is so great! we can face anything in the world.

HOME,

THE RISING SUN

coming home,

something bad happened,

so then i cried.

i webcammed with my parents,

who are down in panama,

and i told them i just wanted a hug,

and a kiss, and look!

i understand why messengers do what they do,

i don't feel angry, i just want these games to end.

HOME,

MAYBE, SHAME NOT

i meant my 'sorry', but that's okay.

guess i need to mean my words to gain

more trust around the world.

someone encouraged me all through exams

and becoming fully human... he is an angel

i guess he knows how to be a 'gentleman'

and we won't connect on a deeper level,

(mentality & thinking process is so different)

but that's good: i don't think, i know.

what a lovely friend!

GOODBYE,

I HOPE YOU SEE THIS EVANGEL, YOU HATER