tired, excited, MUSICMUSICMUSIC!

i talked to my mother last night and we digested our love and spit it back out this morning. i love my mom, she's like my best friend. but old. and wise. and so so pretty. i talked about my friendships and my friends' problems (LOL!); and she talked about her old boyfriends and their problems. problems problems problems! they bring us together sometimes.

 

the weather outside is dreary. i vacuumed my room this morning and they are cutting grass outside -  it's very loud, it was very loud, until i shut the window and cranked my music up.

i can't stop thinking about my mom; she has the purest heart! sometimes, i'm scared the world is going to claw at her and tear her apart; the world is so cold and she is the salt and light. i think she is so fragile. we're probably the same. we're the same.

i'm listening to the classic crime; beautiful band.

today rachel is coming :) is as crystal. ho yeah! haven't seen those men (baha) in the longest! i've missed them, shed a tear here and there for our physical distances. getting a haircut today (with rach)! want it to be emo to the max :D :D :D. i used to have so much hair; what happened? :(

i love the beginning guitar for "Say the Word" - The Classic Crime.

it goes like this: doodooDOOdoodoodooDOOdoo, etc, etc, etc. but it's amazing.

and the song "Headlights" makes me so happy and sad.

I JUST REMEMBERED! - i really wanted to write about it this morning, when i woke.

this morning, i woke up

and i felt so forlorn and lost;

i missed something in my dream that i couldn't hold on to when i woke up

i truly do not belong to this world, i missed whatever galaxy i came from

i miss my Father's arms, i remember them holding me

holding me, holding me, holding me.

nostalgic for my home across the farthest expanse

i feel like a pirate, always out at sea

the crazy beautiful terrible sea.

where have the crickets gone?

so last night i couldn't sleep

and i sat in my newly cleaned and organized room (yes, i do that)

in the chair beside my shelf, with the window open

and all i could hear was the sound of the wild

the air was alive filled with beings and doings and happenings

and i was tremendously inspired to write a poem or a song or to dance;

i wanted to go out and run and keep on pumping my legs and heart with nothing on my feet

but the dirt and grime of tomorrow's game

i wanted to scream because i can breathe and i can talk and see and hear touch feel cry

i can laugh! isn't being alive amazing? why do we fill these silences

with useless babble and flouncy syllables

this morning, i realized i didn't hear the sound of the crickets and now i am sad

it's the end of the year as we know it

" i can't believe grade ten flew by "

it's completely, and utterly true,

yet undeniably false at the same time.

i think every year, i grow exponentially faster;

- last year i was trying to get as many yearbook signatures as possible, to seem the most popular, to camwhore the most, to be tagged in the most albums, to be invited to the most parties, to be msned by 10 people as soon as i signed in, to be cool, to be only skin-deep

- this year, my yearbook is currently lost in the confines of justin's house-with signings that are more than just "great year (oh, haha, funny.. do i know you?), have a great summer", i have found the best people to call friends (and only a few at that), i've taken pictures that mattered - less of myself and more of the world and the people i call my own, i'm prioritizing, i'm shutting up a lot more in this world wide web of small talk

grade ten's passed by in seven seconds, one for each recurring day of the week

but there are days and classes and smells and sights that linger in my mind

and i know i'll be haunted by this terrible and beautiful year until i develop memory loss diseases and slump over from the burdens of age

and the music i listen to is mostly rock; i've become only acquaintances with mainstream - i can barely remember her name, mainstream.

that's funny, 'cause lately (and more than that), i've dived into the world of alien away from the flow of the crowd.

i look back and long to belong in this martian society

i look forward and see the light that showers everything else in the black

- sometimes i look back too often, oh God, oh GOD, turn my eyes upon Jesus.