do

to do

so i am having problems stopping downloading

and i know since i am such a music freak

i really have to depend on God and not myself

because no matter how small a thing is,

it's still compromising my relationship with God.

i am sorry i made you sad, God.

so now i will just listen to music

on MySpace and iMeem and whatever

and i won't get an iPod anymore because

in the world there are so many other things

to do and listen to

i wish the birds were here,

i wish we could see the stars,

it would be a good two hour drive

but the shooting glowing rock is worth the while

they aren't doing their jobs

my msn and my windows works aren't working

(haha oxymoron haha okay no) and i find it hard

to just... not have it fixed. but i guess it's just

another way to remind me that i am more than a screen

i mean, i am having a panic attack

because my anti-virus stopped working

but... but... but... wow. i spend too much time here.

i am going to go outside for a jog or play piano

or something.

drama

i realize the things i am learning in drama

are so amazing. and they are only exercises

that if done if real life, would create wars

but drama is a place where you can put on a mask

and be whoever and be YOURSELF (but no one has to know)

because it is ACTING...

i need to document these things.

growing and God go hand in heart

i want to grow, and i think BFH is a VERY

good push, and all these controversial ideas

make me research and ask questions

another inspiration is zoe, God sends good people

and yay. real devo time. i realize i zone out when

i am praying at night, because i am too laden with other thoughts

that the entire day has given me, and i know that the world we live in

we can't see God neon lighting everywhere, we have to look

because actually, he is there. funny.

maybe i'll go and take pictures of things

i've never seen before.

God is so beautiful, you know?

my stomach warms at the thought of Him.

and the things he sends, obstacles that are ladders

snakes that are friends... not a player, not a pawn,

just a child, a child of GOD, and that's all

i want to be remembered as when i die.

because other things go away when forever comes

and forever is here, and forever happened when i was five.

advice & flattery

some people give the dumbest advice

they don't think before they give it

i just want to laugh, you haven't

even thought it through, and

you are trying to help me?

some people give advice because it makes

them feel important, it makes them

above and beyond! a level four

in a system that is just

a vicious cycle

some people can't take advice, because they

always need to be right, always need

to be "strong" which is the big

-gest weakness of all

i've definately been all of some people

and i realize now, taking advice is the best

and biggest thing sometimes of all evers!

a person is giving a part of themselves,

and you can tell if they are genuine or not

and you can discern within yourself,

which one you should listen to and not

but this only happens when you don't care

about your pride anymore, and in humility

realize you are no better than any of those

give me advice!

just be honest!

it will hurt, it will heal,

but in the end,

hey, it's better.

i HATE flattering lies:

i WANT to know if i am this or that,

flattery helps NO ONE but the devil...

truth & Truth is everything,

almost and twice over.

i want the TRUTH:

is my sinigng good or not?

this is important to me.

+ but give advice only out of love,

and best when asked, because then

the other person is ready to take it.

there are exceptions everywhere.

listen and know and pray before after during,

judging is the worst advice.

k-worship & koinonia

k-worship

hallelujah, praise the Lord

sing out (this is how it isn't supposed to be)

but it is, and here we are

and it is a time for Change

and it is a time to stay still and wait

Forgive Me

i only fear that i am not doing enough

valley of the shadow, i ~ not

and we are blinded by love

our eyes are OPENED with Love

words overlapping

words are just a sentance

strung together from the depths of our heart

because our hearts can't cry so our tongues do

our deceitful lips licking; we're sorry

we praise You hallelujah

we say our own words

and we sing with the group

a mistake? a slip of song?

a wrong chord, a missed note?

there are none!

where our sins are forgiven

and our hearts burn with passion

and zeal for our Jesus

where

koinonia

wow koinonia has grown so much

and now i am thrown off my feet because

there is not enough time and we are trapped by it

i want to reach out to every single one of them

i want to hold everyone's hand at least once

(the cultural difference is killing me - there's good and bad)

and tell them i love them, though i know them not

and i love Them because They are a Part of this Christ-body

and i love them because they are not a part of this freedom

and i wonder: how many people are really f r e e?

they say they are but they can't even face it

Lord i can't face this not-facing, so i turn to You

who should i speak to? i reach out to the new and lonely

and my old friends draw away, but it doesn't matter

because You hold everything that is me and not me

i try to give so much, and making myself vulnerable is hard

when people are chatting and not giving back, and it's NOT okay

but we'll have to do... pray pray pray pray pray pray Pray

wow i am bad at leading worship right now

and my team isn't musically the most amazing

and sometimes we get caught up and forget

but now we know, but God will take

this matter of self and make it the un-self, the congregation

and i just want people in koinonia to understand!

worship is not about how we look

it's about how we are praising thanking telling-of asking-for

a Consuming Fire our God

how can people see Christians have something going on

when we can't even sing out loud? it's not about us - it's not

it took me a long time to look outside myself

and realize hey, worship isn't about ME.

worship isn't Worship right now and it's killing me

put in a "leadership" position, which is more servant than anything

and i just want to shake people and say HEY WAKE UP

because there is so much more! and i am not doing enough

i will do my best, and leave everything else

but ya, God, work in us.

theistic

(this is based on what i learned so far in BFH,

i know my meaning! how delightful.)

Wo ist die Bedeutung?

the how of lives spent -

a blood streak up an untanned arm,

a kZler on the wire -

doing everything and thinking nothing;

bad faith on shaking bones,

not asking, not questioning, just accepting? boredom! lazy!

directions, conundrums, answers; a ferris wheel

technology eats our insides, begin fingertips: end the thirst:

DON'T TURN OFF THE SEARCHLIGHT SIRENS, the a.m. is in need

the fool's life displayed on pornsites, smokepacks, shirtsleeve soaked with sweat

we are everything opposite, we are everything corperate, we are everything strange!

if even an essense

not a cry, many are blind

a God-face, a light

Wo? dort!

conversations

hello

   help me-

how are you?

   -i am a cry in the night

i'm good too

   too good at hiding my shadow-finds

yeah

   please,

okay

   just listen!

okay

   ...hello?

goodbye!

   HELLO?

read between the

life and minused lines

step one, crucial: colour outside

in order to fulfill the nonsense

of our absurdity and our time

our mouths are tickity tocks

mice tearing up clocks

a click and a clank

a brick and a skank

a hole in a wall, a pretty bad fall

nonsense rhymes!

nonsense!

just... nonsense!

questions need not (2/2)

i know what my problem is

i ask for too many things

and not for enough blessings

questions need not (1/2)

i have been so long

a content blob of nothing

wondering nothing, concieving nothing

being everything i thought, but

no.

i have QUESTIONS

but who to ask? God for sure,

but where is the God-face on earth?

pastors, parents, friends, internet

sometimes, i wonder if i am too tired

too drained.

yesterday, going from party to fellowship was TIRING

(but playing rock band for like 2 hours was amazing)

overload. i wonder if people i care about care for me

maybe, but i guess we both don't care as much as books

and movies. i keep on thinking "oh, i didn't get that many birthday presents

from people that i thought cared about me" but i don't care

i just want people TO care. who cares about wrapped pretty things?

Canada has spoiled me.

care care cares caress away

i've stopped downloading

but i want to and it's so dumb

the world is, but the world is wrong

and i want so many things

and those things won't bring anything

i think sometimes people give advice

when it's not needed. we just need ears,

for advice, we'd ask. but then again,

it's humbling to recieve advice

to make yourself vulnerable,

God please make our fellowship a You-alike.

i have no friends on earth

and i have all the best friends in the world

i don't get it

what i think

is not what

i feel. but feelings

are from the heart and the heart is crazy mad

about all things conformism. i won't wait for the world

i'll change

i read too many love stories

that make me lust for relationship

but i will just be till then. i want my mommy.

i want my mommy to hold me together while i cry

about things that are stupid things that matter to me

i want my mom with the hands of God to just be here but

she is at a seminar

and i am typing away

senses

i don't even know what to write

(i'm sick (physically) and frustrated (mentally))

i've written so many things and backspaced them all

what happened?

sight

what a waste of time i was today!

i watched youtube videos for an hour

how useless! i could be outside sitting

doing my becomingfullyhuman homework

playing piano. i wonder if i'll backspace this paragraph too

later - after this (i am picking myself up, don't nag)

hearing

the hush sound - sweet tangerine

sweet tangerine would you please come back to me

i love music, i really do.

but sometimes it hinders me from being with myself

i find myself with a tune in my head, so many moments

i have a constant swing, a pulse, a beat

and i realize i can't be with myself

until i've cleared my head, opened my mind

asked for heart-cleaning, calmed my worries

a hypocrite in many ways, my heart is a black glove

worn by dirt-speckled hands, like freckles

they decorate my evilest of cores

when God takes over, how can Satan come?

it's a wonder; i am blind, i am deaf!

touch

touch is a wonder

who knew one finger

could seduce your senses

into a single throb

throb, throb

smell

when you are sick, you can't smell

taste

nor can you taste. and you wonder what

you were doing, rejecting the peas

on the half plate

when you

were

ok

wonder

ours is a thieving culture

this postmodernism,

(what are we, the bleakest future?)

this stagnant wind

(not a wind at all, then, i suppose, just oxygen)

burglering the 60s, the 70s, the 80s

even the polyester 90s

barely standing up; we sing of it:

revolution

HA!

x

i merely write of things

thinking of ways to change

poems i

below are four poems written a while ago
and revisited now;

take delight!

faces and names (P4)

the sides of my face aches
i remember how to smile now
and i how
could i
have never realized
bats aren't so blind

live in the moment
it's all you've ever craved
because fulfilment lies
within a second
no boundaries
except for faces and names

our world (P3)

their hands are empty
their stomachs are bare
their throats are parched
their hearts are light and they dance with his words

our heads are full
our stadiums are packed
our tabernacles are filled
out hearts are heavy our hearts they cry our hearts
are gone

ever seen (P2)

put down your expensive champagne
and dance for a sober second
it's the best you've ever seen
one moment
a kiss of smiles
a shadow of better times

it's haunting can't you cry?
this burden we carry
can we go further by ourselves?
we, you see, are made for each other
you and i and them; intertwined
and beautiful
the best i've ever seen

the top (P1)

A thousand million colours
And races
And names
And faces
And people from places
All over the world;
filled empty spaces.
---------- A thousand million colours
---------- And white man
---------- And black man
---------- And in-between man
---------- And not-at-all man
---------- United they stand - men.
A thousand million colours
All with one goal
One common purpose
The same ambition
Identical Design;
identical desire.
---------- A thousand million colors
---------- All with one voice
---------- One common language
---------- The same untamed tongue
---------- Communicative
---------- community.

A thousand million colours
Thought they were the best
Thought wicked was right
And that right was a jest
Arrest this jest,
And digest tis 'best'
So what's left?
Not right.
And they were not right indeed.

So the thousand million colours
Built brick by day
And drank by night
Diligently not-sober
Maybe since October
And now it's already almost over
---------- A thousand million colours
---------- Provoked the wrath
---------- And in the cool of the day
---------- They paved a path
---------- Armageddon's on its way
---------- Wrote their own Revelations.
A thousand million colours
Made by One God
felled by one man
Was even - now odd
The great renowned ban
History is quite repetitive.
---------- A thousand million colours
---------- All came crashing down
---------- From their great tower
---------- Into the town
---------- Falling from power
---------- fleeing from Grace.

A thousand million colours
Now a thousand million tonuges
Now scattered; divided by unity; gone!
The old and the young
Filled empty spaces, above the ground
Though cursed by their best
Is blessed by a chance
Second to right
Is now what's left.

my world right now

i hate being in a world
where i can't talk to strangers
and if i help someone , they'll be surprised
how cold of us , lighten up .. like a lamp .
it's not that hard , just find your button
baby let it burn .

one
in the morning , we put boobert & joe's world in the sun
and left them there . when we took them back
boobert was dead . and i was so so sad . i couldn't believe it .
one moment , he was so ALIVE and MOVING and SEEING .
i held him . and the next he's lifeless , dead weight , meaningless .
i cried so so much because life is so precious and those who choose
to take life away doesn't understand ! they are loved .
i hope everyone knows that when they die , someone cries .
whether it be your mom , your best friend , the earth , the sky , God .
boobert died and i cried . and now i am okay , but i just ..
it's no one's fault but it's everyone's fault . he melted into himself .
he died BLIND and it's so sick it had to happen that way .
sorry boobert . i really loved that snail , you know .
i really loved him and now he's dead . if he wasn't mine i wouldn't care .

two
i realize that the people i own are the best people in the world (mine)
if they weren't mine i wouldn't love them . before , i was so sad
that if i wasn't my parent's child they wouldn't love me . but they love me
because i am theirs . isn't that amazing ?
my dad was walking in a store carrying his laptop and i was in the car
and i saw his retreating back and i realized I LOVE THIS MAN !
he is MY dad . and my MOM . and my BROTHER . i am fortunate to be able to love .
some guys think crying is weak . this makes me sad . I AM SAD ! ( i quote myself)
but john chu cries so i think that is good . (manly tears , of course)

three
i went to a thrift store today and bought almost new chucks for
$2.50 (i know. what?)

x

tomorrow is school . i want to be a nerd . i hope to have good teachers
but i know i will learn how to learn if i have bad teachers . i wish i could go to africa now .
i wish i had a good camera . i wish i was a good singer and a good guitarist
so i can be a singer/song-writer , like those cool people with myspaces & youtube accounts .

but God gave me this body and mind so i am perfect as i am
thank God for that . i hope my husband likes me .