Full

Both my head and my heart are so full
I am feeling kind of unsettled right now
But at the same time... hopeful

So much I want to write,
So much I need to remember
And need to share

This week has been so... hectic
Every night up too late, every day too tired
I was going to say "I can't wait for this week to be over"
But that mind set is dumb: every day is a gift!

"His mercies begin afresh each morning"

That's My King

I just sent this video (That's My King) to my best friend and her response is overwhelming! Her awe reminds me of my own awe, her joy of my own joy, her faith of my own faith. It's just what I needed to keep on going... so many things to say about my king- words that barely describe him already put me in silence.

I've been avoiding the monologues-I've been sitting on the computer doing everything else. I've been eating grapes, talking on the phone, asking help for the monologues, getting ideas for the monologues, talking about the monologues but not actually doing them.

"I think I'm avoiding monologues... I guess I am scared God won't provide..." and do you know what she said? "GOD IS A PROVIDER, HE ALWAYS PROVIDE." What I need to do is: just believe. This is where I stop thinking abstractly about faith and live it out. Step one- just start. He will not pick you up from the ground, no, He will help you up as you overcome, you must start walking (faith) and He will lift you (grace) and you will fly...

P.s. God remembers us and who we are! He sends angels...

Uninspired

I am to write four monologues but right now I am feeling tired and uninspired.
I am thinking more about how good they will be ("Oh Evelyn! You are so good at writing monologues!") and wanting them to make an emotional impact ("Oh that monologue really touched me! Look! I am crying! What a good monologue!") instead of doing it for God or doing it because I love it.

Right now I can't connect to the characters: the prodigal son as he leaves, as he comes back; a person dealing with who God is; a person dealing with social inequities.

My mom just came back and I told her about it and she said, "Yep pray to God that you stop thinking about yourself." I hate it! I wish I wouldn't and I could just fly into what I like to do... I mean, I like writing. Goodness.

I think I'm so good at it and when I don't think about being good, I actually am (all praises to God because obviously I don't have the actual skill by myself as you can see now), but as soon as I want it to be good it fails. IT IS FAILING. FAILING I SAY! FAILING! I could write a song. Or... a monologue! Too bad there is no monologue "about a girl who fails."

I need to take a breather from the monologues. I've been sitting here faithless for too long.

P.s. now this is a good monologue. I'm reading over other monologues and they are so professionally and well written- it makes it so much fun to act because of all the layers, realizations, you can see the thoughts that are unwritten... anyways I guess I will just be level one. I'm okay with level one. I just want to finish... but finish having loved doing it.
P.p.s. perhaps I should leave it for today... there is still tomorrow. Maybe I will watch a movie. Or do some research for these monologues... I don't know. What should I do, God? Okay, fine, research it is.

Just Believe

"Don't be afraid; just believe"
Mark 5:36b

It is the most terrible thing: to just believe

That means we have to let go
Of everything; of our own ideas and plans,
Our own understanding of how the world works,
Of fear

That means we have to stop worrying,
That means we have to live in victory though we don't see it yet-
We know it already happened
And is happening every moment

That means we have to be ready to be moved-
To let God pull you out of wherever you are,
Not because you are not doing a good job,
But because you are starting to rely on yourself

That means we have to be ready to not be moved-
Sometimes we are without vision and without audience,
We don't know what to do, how to serve
And we have to get down to the unglorious task of the 'mundane'

But remember John 13, and remember how
After Jesus became flesh our bodies forever became temples
And after Jesus served
The least forever became blessed

Thoughts Right Now...

I am so distracted by thoughts of retreat and also a recent testimony by my parents...
I am so amazed by God!

Over the mountains and the sea,
Your river runs with love for me
And I will open up my heart
And let the healer set me free...

I am actually enjoying homework right now-
I am too tired to give myself pressure and instead I am learning
Thank you God, my math test is postponed which relieves my burden
And reminds me that you are even in the smallest things

Life is so miraculous!
We fight chaos everyday, we take things for granted-
I never realized how much I accept what I know (language, my body) as all there is to know... but there is so much to learn, a vast expanse of more and more and more we will never be bored- but this works only if we actively seek it, seek joy...

I want to write about retreat SO badly because I want to remember everything
I want to cherish all these moments- mealtime conversations that warmed my heart and playing word games that really brought people together- God works everywhere. One of the biggest lessons I learned was this, "I am speaking to you, my child." Even his silence overflows...

BUT I must use my time wisely, and anything I need to write God will bring it to my mind
So, off to the wonderful world of biology.

I hate how in school, we get lost in the boredom of it and lose the fun...
I realize that I always want to reform the way we learn so we know why we need to know this and actually engage in learning instead of being so passive... I read about schools around GTA that are unconventional and my heart soars that this is real... I always think of jobs as for money, but I just ask that I have a job because I love it and know why I am doing it and that I am making a difference.

Today was so brilliant! My dinner was so, so delicious; the morning was calming...
I want to learn to love my school friends more and see them as God sees them. My love for them is so limited, many times I feel like I can't relate to them and everything is shallow-
But there is hope because God is alive.

I realized that I've been trying to reason that God exists and is good,
But really that is not my job: He will prove it himself as I follow Him...
I want my life to be used well! That is- my days to be used well.
Sometimes we forget- our lives are made up of our days...

What is "osteopathy"? GOOD QUESTION!
Now go do your homework, Evelyn, so you can find out...
God, I have so many things I want to do this week and weekend,
And all of them are for my own benefit/enjoyment...
So... yeah.

OKAY, BYE! Goodness gracious, Evelyn, leave now!

(...Okay).