Uninspired

I am to write four monologues but right now I am feeling tired and uninspired.
I am thinking more about how good they will be ("Oh Evelyn! You are so good at writing monologues!") and wanting them to make an emotional impact ("Oh that monologue really touched me! Look! I am crying! What a good monologue!") instead of doing it for God or doing it because I love it.

Right now I can't connect to the characters: the prodigal son as he leaves, as he comes back; a person dealing with who God is; a person dealing with social inequities.

My mom just came back and I told her about it and she said, "Yep pray to God that you stop thinking about yourself." I hate it! I wish I wouldn't and I could just fly into what I like to do... I mean, I like writing. Goodness.

I think I'm so good at it and when I don't think about being good, I actually am (all praises to God because obviously I don't have the actual skill by myself as you can see now), but as soon as I want it to be good it fails. IT IS FAILING. FAILING I SAY! FAILING! I could write a song. Or... a monologue! Too bad there is no monologue "about a girl who fails."

I need to take a breather from the monologues. I've been sitting here faithless for too long.

P.s. now this is a good monologue. I'm reading over other monologues and they are so professionally and well written- it makes it so much fun to act because of all the layers, realizations, you can see the thoughts that are unwritten... anyways I guess I will just be level one. I'm okay with level one. I just want to finish... but finish having loved doing it.
P.p.s. perhaps I should leave it for today... there is still tomorrow. Maybe I will watch a movie. Or do some research for these monologues... I don't know. What should I do, God? Okay, fine, research it is.