clothes, styles, identity

i realize

that i have over 40 tshirts in my room currently

and that's only tshirts .

i am partially proud and partially disgusted with myself .

do you notice people only go "whoa, that's a nice shirt"

when it's different ? like , you see an a&f sweater not a lot of people would say

hey , that's a nice sweater . i mean , the quality is amazing , the prices soaring

and yet when you find a piece of scrap from a shaggy vintage store

throw it on with something funky , someone goes up to you and says

the words that make you smile

it's weird , why do you say "thanks" when someone says your clothes are nice

i mean , they are your clothes , but it's not like you designed them ,

nor did you sew them , or stitch them piece by piece

what a conundrum

unless of course they mean that you pieced it together

so the colours beautify each other the materials rub

your appearance well uplifted by simple things gone haywire

and all the while we just want to be naked

and not judged

i am going to go

and return some clothes

to their rightful owners

and figure out with to do

with the rest of my things .

ridiculous

ridiculous

Jesus

i have a best friend

i love You .

i want to laugh , because i have so much to say !

but i really should just shut up a little a lot .

and listen , and not be a hypocrite

and see that people are just

like me . and that i am

not alone .

LIFE IS AMAZING .

my eyes are continually opening

and i wonder how i lived so blind yesterday

when today was brand new and looming and small

it's like a shout of YES !

and i am still so so blind and small .

what would i give up ?

merely everything ? it's hard 

it's easy . ridiculous .

why do i grip so hard

when the right way is

to let go . and take matters

into Your hands .

what Love .

wow my crayfish smelled

thank You for my nose

it makes me laugh

and want to hit

my brother .

good life

the difference

( between best friends and family )

i think a best friend has an obligation

to be nice , to be truthful , to have to be careful where they tread

to lie to you sometimes , to give it all they got , to trust you

i think a sister has no obligations

they do the things they do because they love you

they HAVE to love you

no matter what you share the same blood

they have no choice ; they can shun you but you are still ever connected

by the invisible string until the day you die

and reach heaven or feel hell , where earthly relationships exist no more

it's a fine line , but a big difference

i find it offensive .

good day

ps : i have an interesting topic to blog tomorrow

i might be okay now

crap i can't blog

it hurts when the person that you want to cry to

is the one who won't come 

sorry i'm not lashing out at you

i'm just . hurt . that's all .

it's cos like , you haven't come to so many things

and it's like

WHY CAN'T YOU JUST COME COS YOU LOVE ME ?!

and i know you won't . just because i said that .

don't read any further i don't think you will

i don't know .

i don't know anything

today i was thinking , do i have any real friends ?

i guess you are .

wow this is STUPID . i'm like crying in front of my computer screen

it's like the first time tears have just rolled down , i'm not sobbing

i thought i just got over it and i was like that was quick

but it's stupid anyways .

stupid stupid stupid .

just when i thought i was open

i close myself . stupid stupid stupid .

and it's my fault anyways .

i don't even know .

I HATE YOU

i wish i could say that

it would be so easy

but i don't

i love you still .

i am stupid .

i am human .

i am how i was made .

perfect for being myself ; imperfect .

what can i say ?

i can't be mad ever .

i wish i could .

it would be so easy to be cold .

to isolate .

to not cry .

too bad i am me .

good day .

i am making this out to be bigger , it shouldn't matter , but it does .

you hurt me a lot . i'm sorry i didn't concern for you before

i thought of that , you know ? after wards i was like , wow i treated them badly .

and i thought i could make it up this time .

fine , just fine .

i think i will be better in the morning .

in the bible it says "don't stay angry ; don't go to bed angry"

and i think in the morning , it will all go away and i can talk to you in the face and not burst into tears .

i wish i never told you about it , rejection hurts .

i hope you read it all so you know how i feel

so i don't have to say it again ; and just go on

human(e)

( expanding on what makes us human , from "heroin(e)" )

so many things we do nowadays

machines do better

what is it that we can call human , and human alone ?

climbing trees ? giving piggy back rides ? playing chess ?

all those things we can look back on , remember , and smile

robots can do better faster more perfect one hundred percent

most would say LOVE ! humans can love

but in english we've conversed abused words

about robots and humans perversion of love

in human sickness in robot health in robot life and in human death

you and now pronounced lovers . how will babies be born ? disgusting .

they even talked about robots finding GOD .

and some sick "God Gene" maybe we do have a god gene

that was put in us from God so we know he is there

i think we're different because we were created in God's image

in his image of perfection righteousness holiness

CRAP .

heroin(e)

(i wrote a post but it was boring so i deleted it)

sudoku ; i like it

call me what you will

i'll pretend i don't care

it's easy to be something you're not

is oft said . but what entitles something to be 'what you are not'

is a heroin addict not a heroin addict ?

is a girl in a dress not a cheerleader ?

is a hero in hiding not a hero anymore ?

the world is full of mysteries .

and if everything tastes like chicken , what does chicken taste like ?

good question . everything , of course ; if by the first statement you agree

the world is full of masks and we're not sick of it

which in turn makes us sick

sick is such a disgusting word .

you are sick

doesn't that make you sound like

a psycho killer ; a joker ; a rapist ; a doctor out to destroy his loves ?

i don't think anyone deserves a label

i hate it when people say 'oh , this is too deep for me'

what do you mean , this is too deep for me

the ocean is too deep for you , not this !

we are human , we are made to dig deeper reach higher laugh jollier

fart bigger rule out things change yourself change the world .

i don't know , i am ranting about something i don't want to rant about .

good bye , and good afternoon .

am i awake?

sometimes, these days, i wake up in a haze

and i go through the motions, my mind is working perfectly well

and so is my body, but it seems they aren't connected

i am detached and that scares me

i want to be engulfed by emotions

more than not feeling

today was drama practice, people were late AN HOUR

but it was okay, it was so funny and kevin is an amazing actor

i believe so much in all of them.

and i love yelling, i miss being in clown, my name was SHNIVELS,

that's what FRANK (olivia) called me but i didn't like it, cause my real name was sunscheroff.

today i yelled/sang to kevin playing the piano and it was fun to do

i am still practicing piano like mad

but without lessons (melody is gone) i find it hard to concentrate and to really be into it

hmmm.. cfhouse is fast approaching and we are fast procrastinating

how much more can we not do until we have to do?

my computer isn't working I HATE YOU COMPUTER! KICK!

5 score & 7 years ago - relient k

- the entire album

listened to it while driving to my health card place and back. the WHOLE THING.

that's how LONG the drive was. the gas down there was less expensive.

this post is booooring

i'll write something more interesting tomorrow or something

father, for you (letter of love)

dad, this is for you, a spur of the moment thing

i love my dad to no end

and i know if he had to lay down his life

for anyone of us in this family

he'd do it without hesitating.

he's gone thru so many hurts in his life

and i wish i could take them away, so he could

smile without so many burdens

and he wouldn't be so tired so much of the time

the time that he doesn't have he still gives me

when he dies, i think i will cry for a year

but then laugh for the rest of my life, because he's finally free of this world

and he has no more cares to cause bruises on his chest,

then he can fly! i know he really can, if we could all let go

you know how you marry your family?

like, i know i will want my husband to be like my dad

strong enough to cry, brave enough to love with no inhibitions

loving enough to let go, scared enough to hold on

humble enough to say sorry, and beautiful enough to see God

it's going to be hard, but i will wait for that guy,

and not take the second-best, like my dad has taught

thank you daddy, for everything

i'm always growing

and i'll grow up and i'm sorry i will

but i'll leave behind a four foot shadow for you.

deciphering me - brooke fraser

- Oh can you feel the gravity falling, calling us home?
Oh, did you see the stars colliding, shining just to show we belong?

- it's love that hold us; in His light

anywhere, say, anywhere (8)

today is a good day

today, i remembered to listen to God

and not only yabber in his ear. did i hear anything?

as everyday passes by,

i see more, and i realize the less i know

the more i learn, the less i comprehend

the vast love of our God.

these atoms connect to these atoms to make molecules

and these molecules combine you are the same be different

and these cells, you are the eyes, and these cells, you are the hands

open them! use them! God has made us perfect

for being who we are, and yet why do you wish to photoshop

ourselves to perfection... when we already are, all along?

for being who we are and doing what He wants us to do.

i used to be so proud to say I'VE BEEN A CHRISTIAN ALL MY LIFE!

and yet... that's a lie. i realize, i have actually held Christ's hand

until this year and barely the last. i haven't cried out in faith. before this.

where am i standing?

uncanny - anberlin

- anywhere, say anywhere; as long as i'm with you

anything, ask anything; we'll watch the world go by

- oh we love them american boys

i am waiting for that boy

i don't know him yet

but i'm already in love. i think i'll like him to a million pieces

and hopefully won't drive him into a tree of something of the like

and we'll stumble into love with perfect, awkward grace

i pray i PRAY i will wait for him

and not take the secondbest, as many do

hope i will not inherit the fool

the first day of my life - bright eyes

- i'm glad i didn't die before i met you

drop the girl (8)

so today i am home alone, and i'm tired but i can't sleep

because of script writing with justin for coffeehouse wow left so late

i'm slightly at a loss of words due to my imperfections

- e's being really stupid right now :( hope he feels better, and sees reason in this chaos

i really want to do something, but i am at home

and i doubt i can go out because of late nights the past two

and not even going out just script writing, tho it was ab-building by laughs

i miss my friends we're all so far away from each other

if only i can drive, i wish i could

and i want to do project tdot but i have piano exam (AHH!) two days after

and i want to do rachel's volunteer (60$!) thing but i'm not 16 yet

life is slightly a mess but coping is okay, and only God is good

drop the girl - hit the lights (8)

and yeah i'm going to go practice piano now

but piano actually brings calm to this hurricane

i think i miss work, because it's something to strive for

that kind of illustrates freedom in God's so-called rules

like people go "ooh, it's so restricting" but you open your eyes and you dance

because you're free to do what God wants and don't have to decide what is right. wrong?

it is right, and it is wrong

i want my ipod back, danny :(

your ipod*

why - secondhand serenade (8)

- why do you do this to me? why do you do this so easily?

- because these days aren't easy like the ones before, these days aren't easy anymore.

mine (7 letters of love)

i called you guys and you guys are mine

i don't know, zoe wrote something and it inspired me

to thank all the beautiful and ugly (but still the first) people in my life

and to say things i would not really say, i think, on a regular basis.

in no particular order, except alphabetical but not really.

r.hon&c.tso - where do i begin? wow i typed so many things and i just backspaced them all. NOTHING i say can.. tell you and let you see the depth of my love for you two. you guys are the ugliest men i have ever known, EVER. and we're actually so gross. like.. nobrushingteethmarathon (i hope no one can decipher that hmm), farting x 10.. in bed.. while watching movies.. while talking.. while walking.. everywhere in general, TOUCHING MY BODY AT NIGHT GEEZ GUYS O_O SIGH!, and eating like piggies always somehow at 4 am in the morning, just like that gwen stefani song. i honestly let go of my inhibitions around you guys and just be myself. i have nothing to live up to, and nothing to prove, and everything to be. i laugh so much with you guys. we tell each other the truth (the usually ugly truth). you are the decor on my walls and in my heart; i trust you guys with my life. and sometimes, things i can't ever tell other people i can say out loud for you. i can cry like a baby (a HIDEOUS baby) with you guys, laugh like idiots at nothing in general.. the list could go on. i want to thank you for being your gorgeous and sometimes not so gorgeous selves. more love will be in the notebook :) je t'aime and you.

e.tam&j.to - do you know what agnes said on sunday when you both weren't here? "evelyn, where's the rest of the 2/3 of you? and i was like.. wow do we really look like one? i don't know what to say. but yeah. i just want to apologize for all the times i was mean and emo to you guys because even when i complain and say i hate you all, i really don't and love just being stupid and doing nothing (yep! our specialty-doing nothing) with you guys. sometimes i wonder what i did with my life when i was bored before you guys. justin, thanks for driving us everywhere, if we counted up the mula$ spent on gas.. and paid you back.. you'd be a millionaire but even richer cause you have two AMAZING FRIENDS :) hurray hurray you guys make me alive sometimes. wow i look back and.. laugh. really. and it's usually a) at myself b) at evangel. yo i think we need to laugh at justin a bit more x_x why do i take this? evangel, if you got this fair without falling asleep and you understand what i'm saying I'M PROUD OF YOU. so yeah, chilling with you guys make my life. and i'll never admit this for a long time again. if you were girls i think my life would be easier but it wouldn't be the same.

c.luk - LOL sorry, i meant luu-gwor-shin. WOW i miss you so much already, i took seeing you everyday (minus sunday) for granted. you made my semester two bearable.. i even looked forward to math because of you. and painting nails.. and laughing.. "VIVIAN STOPT THA TALKTING".. and listening to my amazing christian music and sometimes not.. passing notes.. getting math questions (I GET IT! PUT UP YOUR HAND! OH MY THEY HAVE IT WRONG! I GET IT!). then there was chinese school :) even tho we weren't allowed to listen to music. i miss our teacher even. wow. i miss the weirdos in our class. i miss you. WHY CAN'T WE LIVE BESIDE EACH OTHER?! i'm going to call you every single day for your c-hour (haha get it?!) and then talk about life and the great sights we set our eyes upon, the dreams we can live, the breathes we can breathe. thank you for loving me and letting me love you, my YLL.

d.li - donna donna donna. hello, my love. i just want to say, thank you for being one of the most HONEST people i've ever met. like, you don't try to be something you're not, and really "say what you mean to say" (8), like that john mayor song. and i can't believe i actually really started talking to you because of that "oh my GOODNESS it's such a small thing, why is it so big" thing haha. you're such a cool person to be around, and i look up to you for just being genuine and so fun at the same time. you always have a good word to say, and if it's not good it's because it's truthful. it's summertime now, and i think you owe me some of your life. p.s. you're a great listener thanks for being there whenever.

p.li - what can i say. can we like.. chill? HONESTLY. WHY ARE YOU SO FAR?! and we can never make ends meet. lang lui come back to me and not your yellow-land. portia, portia, my beautiful portia. whenever i'm here or there or happy or down i can count on you to just ask me.. how my day was. how i am. how anything is. thank you so much. for just being so lovely. and talking about the most mo liu things with me. even tho YOU LET ME STEP ON THE PUDDLE. when i think back, we actually have so many "inside jokes" that we keep on referring to, except i don't even do it on purpose now, it just happens. and wow, we needed to take white mall pictures like 39487543 years ago and yet.. we still have NOT?! portia why are you so amazing and athletic and pretty at the same time? i love your hair (okay, not so much when it is rock hard haha!) and i love your smile and when you laugh you sound funny but it's alright. you make friends so easily and i look to you for that. i'm here for you thick and thin, and i know you're there even if you're halfway across the world for half this summer which will half suck because you're there. have fun, my love.

s.ng - HAHA your name looks so ugly there <-- okay anyways :) what can i say? thanks for putting up with me? like this entire year? i am going to miss you so much when you go to university honestly i've seen you everyday and it feels weird now that it's summer and i DON'T see you that often. don't worry, i'll serenade to you with my.. PIANO LOL! oh sherene, thanks for just being there and being weird with me (taking pictures with your.. blahblahblah), lending me your a) clothes b) movies c) time d) car e) the list goes on.., translating english songs into chinese (embarrassing), i could name these things forever! and NO thanks for always making fun of my boo >:( but i do the same so it's all good. please come back and visit me because if you don't i will have heartbreak and ache. i love you.. wait, i mean i LAAAAAAAAAVE YOU (and this time i haven't done something mean/wrong/etc.).

z.chang - haha i'm at your house right now. and you said you loved my writing and i was so happy and warm when i heard that, encouragement helps me a lot. not praise. it brings me down. but yeah. it's late what am i saying? wow i just wrote in your yrbk and yet i still have things to say. i still cannot believe i've only REALLY known/talked to you.. like the last part of this semester. you know i'm always here for you and i know whenever i need to do something and i don't really want to walk more than like 10 steps.. i can count on you haha. you owe me hair dye. YOU GOT ME ADDICTED TO DJ MAX PORTIABLE oh my. okay i think we should sleep :) goodnight. ilu. [lol i just reread what i wrote last night ^ this morning.. and yeah i was delusional last night.. haha.. i'm so awake. wow honestly thank you for taking me for who i am, a farting laughaholic that steals your clothes].

i am tired. before i regret. POST!