... But Pulling Through

I feel much more at peace now, after just having the phrase enter and expand and wave across my mind, "There is none like You." There is no one else to turn to, no other thing can do justice, no other song or picture or word can satisfy, no other is like You, "I could search for all eternity long and find, and find, and find, and find, and find...
There is none like You."

I have let a funk settle in me, and though it happens: that motivations sometimes lose sway, meaning sometimes leaves me without foothold, I still have a Will within me, I can still make a choice. Though we have nothing to call our own; we are born with our bodies and our personalities are shaped without our permission (many times), and everything else has been everything else, but we still have our Will. And our Will is what changes, that little thing that moves and grows every time you make a choice, and it is that Will that allows God to flow over and allows you to release. And it is that Will that will choose to take Hold and pull through, Pull Out.

Edit: And the weight is lifting more and more, how good You are to me!

Sinking ...

My mom called a few moments ago, and I started crying because I feel like today has been so empty of meaning and motivation, and I am in turmoil over control verses trust, but is this trust I am facing the real and releasing Trust, or is it tired trust, or is it vain trust. I have not felt like doing or being anything today, I just am and that is a barely happening. I am kind of angry at - because he frustrates me, challenges me, and sometimes I think he is better than I (in a good way) and sometimes I think he is blind. I am not really angry at him, just angry that I have not said everything I need (want). I agree, but here is some more. I will say that soon. So many things and so many un-things are drowning me, and I do not even gasp for breath. I just sit and sink.

After I stopped talking to Mom, I realized that I had held the phone to my ear minutes after we had already hung up.

Edit: I am going to cut my brother's hair in three minutes, and I am excited because it gives me something to do and not only to occupy my hands and mind, but also is a chance to just clear my head. Sometimes, we fill our own heads with fog, and sometimes the things around us do, but there is always a line, a red ribbon, to draw us out and up.

24 is Enough

"We need more time in the day!"
We joke about that a lot, but really
We need to use the time we have wisely.
I mean, if we were given more time, we would just do the same things, but for longer...

Lately, my entire day has been homework or projects.
And that means I get less sleep,
And that means I don't spend consistent time in the morning with God,
Which leads to more worrying, more stress, more control
And when I say more control, I mean I want more control,
And I try to control, but really it is not in my control,
And I am allowing control to control me,
And worrying leads to even less sleep, which leads to less time
For myself, for my family, for my fellowship; in silence,
Which leads to guilt, which leads to less prayer,
Which leads to less trust, which leads to where I am now.

Oh, it's good to put things into perspective.

I cannot help but look at every day, every class and think about my marks,
Especially in Studies in Literature where you are never sure,
But really what I need to do is enjoy my classes, do my best and leave the rest up to God. It's hard to do that when I have slipped into the state I am in. Gotta get out, gotta get up.

It's so hard! I want to explode.
Instead, I will go to the Y. Eat dinner.
Pray. Sleep.

Listening - The Most Serene Republic, "Emergency Performance Art Piece"
Reading - George Orwell, "Animal Farm"

Sideline Face

It is the toughest to stand and watch the ones you love / move to something you can't follow
I am just a sideline face / watching their race
And the weather changes constantly