unhappy before dinner

i am not that happy.

i should be happy, and sometimes i was.

but i am not happy.

i am sad. i don't like this.

i will escape my head and fall into

something else.

i have two bracelets on my wrist.

i am not that happy.

i hope everyone else is because being unhappy is so heartbreaking.

too heady today

the in between lines

are only for me

i love you, i do!

i think i am just thinking too much again

i get really heady some days and caught up

within my little foolish world under the grey

but yet, it helps me to think that this small part

is out in the world, so i can look it in the eye and say

"VAMOOS!" and it will fly away

i was just going to write something about God, but

God, what are you thinking? do you think? or are you just.

just there. my eyes grow tired because i have hardly cried

i really wanted to cry today after sunday school but i couldn't

because i was angry, and my angry wasn't a beautiful one,

it was one of hurtful intent and prideful walls

(i was thinking something as i read over this line and now i am jealous,

but we are all jealous so i guess i am not alone in this sin, this is how we-)

again, i am too heady but i need to be to finish this project

i hate this, i hate it when i have time because i have a PROBLEM

with procrastination. HELP ME GOD GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

thanks, i love you.

all you can do is try to know who your friends are

as you head off to the war

a problem: mine

a jealousy problem

an anger problem (the angry winner the need to scrape)

a sloth problem

a bored problem (here they are!)

a don't-touch-me-until-you-leave problem

a push-you-away-then-kick-and-scream-for-you-to-stay problem

a fear problem

a breathing problem

a seeing problem

a me problem

i'm a selfish convict, standing here in blame

can't move for fear of breaking the hush hush of the courtroom

and i can't even let them know, because i can't

and that is probably the biggest problem of all.

well, at least i said it.

first step to healing, right? hah. hah. ha.

i think i'm on the part of the rollercoaster

where the little bumps seem to stretch on for a hold

except to my weak eyes, the bumps are mountains

and for all i know, the up and downs won't stop

i just need to let it out breathe

i don't know how i feel so i guess that is a good start for my project

sometimes i wish i could write straight

but it is another thing to hide behind

a mask to take off.

i am a little problem right now, but as i straighten my back

my chest upturns and there is the sun, above all my drip drops

and i can just sit criss cross, apple sauce and think about the mourn

consequences of having God

okay so in my devos they said

DON'T COMPLAIN, or if you do

speak of a blessing also to counter it.

anyways, so yesterday i didn't blog

so i will tell of it now;

it was the most amazing morning of my life

i woke up and i just lay in bed,

feeling beautiful and ugly, so i took a shower

and with the water running down,

a slight peace came over me, a sense of wellness

a sense of God, and it was so amazing because

nothing happened, i just was aware

i was aware of my breathing and aware that God was so BIG

and he was so HOLY and i needed to BOW but at the same time

he was my friend and i needed a HUG and a slight ear

what a beautiful morning!

i caught a glimpse of peace

and i will forever try to gain it back in vain,

save for the Hand striking me with his Love

i don't know how to describe this feeling

this deepness,

it's like the first time you realize

that you are a part of infinity

i think i can say, i tasted a pint of peace and joy

how do i obtain this feast of magnificence, my Lord? My Lord.

the worst sunday

today has been the suckiest sunday

in the entire world of today sundays

self conscious people fill the pews

compared to others i feel quiet

racial names fly from my mind

and hit my intuition, calling

stand up! won't you, foolish men

won't you, red-stained womyn

calling yourselves the Face

and living your time in a lie-induced trance

ss sucked a little bit, i learned slightly nothing

though it is no one's 'fault', it is everyone's fault

literally, everyone, and honestly sometimes it's hard to live

with people who come in late, on purpose, for fun, with smiles.

and people who come in early, on purpose, for people, with smiles.

and myself for being in between, my name being called among all the girls,

GEEZ WHY ME.

and then i yelled at my brother because he gave me all this attitude

sometimes i just can't stand it and i have to think violent thoughts

before calming down and saying sorry - to everyone; God and the him

i want to sing praises and hymns, it's easier in koinonia

than ever in service.

GEEZ.

but now, onto a new afternoon(!)

ps) i missed yesterday's post, i suck

pps) simon bought me: the orphaned anything's HE IS LOVELY! thank you SIMON!

ppps) i don't know where to begin my bfh project.

goals

it is my new goal in Blog

to blog everyday about the day

or about the whatevers, so i can

read back and say, hey,

i was like this before!

so today was an okay day

i am waking up at 6:30 now,

and sleeping at like. God, forbid 10:30?!

i slept at 10 before. i felt so good.

today i went to a place for us

with justin & evangel to write some stuff for wtf, and it was pretty cool just like summer where we'd just sit and chill. they are so mean to me i don't even know why i am their friend. but then again, they paid for my bubble tea so i should give them some lovin'. we accomplished a lot and i think we're all growing in some aspect (minus justin he'll be young forever and never know how a shaving razor feels like) and i can't wait till wtf v2.0.

so often i don't talk to God

like i know he is there, but i am not aware.

like, if i am aware of my breathing, i am connected and in tune with it, and being in my breathing and breathing. and if i just know it is there, contemplate about it, reflect on it...then i lose my awareness of my breath and then i am disconnected and my thoughts free flow and just go into trivial thoughts.

so help me God, to let this go, to let this go (8)

i have some amazing friends, they think and do

anyways, i am excited for paday - thurs & fri i feel so popular!

i must LOL because i am kidding. i am popular in myself

and in God and in my friends! i hope i can learn to care about my friends

more than i care about people who don't care about me.

care = take time to think about, be with, pray for.

people inspire me all the time & i am amazed at the diversity God put on this earth. like, wow.

tonight is fellowship - PHOBIA NIGHT! rachel (and someone...evangel?) is planning it and usually her programs are exciting.

good day, e.

sometimes, poems

are things to hide behind,

when you want people to know

but you don't want to say it straight

you want to show them, you want to speak

but at the same time,

offering this silent paper

is louder than talking

for 2 hours, here i go, i do not hide(:)

and now i will write a poem.

peter pen

i wish blogs were slips of notes

doodle pens and pieces and posts-its

so i don't have to leave with dreary eyes

so i can go outside and write while dancing

or something like that

i hate (verb) writing in small hilroy notebooks;

they are so limiting! unless it is beautiful paper

- like the esteemed notebook -

or big paper. unless it is like those,

then it is just mirroring a dragging anchor

that weighs a ship down from flying

and reaching its fullest potential

peter pan come make me beautiful!

pen and paper be my countless breaths!

peter pen please,

before the ten, take me back;

this is not just before-care

(pretend?)

ps) they say i am beautiful;

oh! i would like a sip of tea now.

with you. yes.

("take a breath and let the rest come easy")

ipod: a story

 

Evelyn, Evelyn, Evelyn Mak.

How unhappy was this Ms. Mak!

Her face was a frown,

She always was down,

A pout on the face of Evelyn Mak.

Evelyn, Evelyn, Evelyn Mak.

She heard the sound of an attack!

Oh faint that noise,

Scared but poised,

Was she, this unhappy Evelyn Mak.

Evelyn's mouth opened wider and wider,

She saw a FedEx box right beside her.

It was from her mom,

Her Mom? Yes, her mom.

Sight of this box shocked her and tied her.

Evelyn wondered what this was about,

She bit it a bit...

Jingled a jingle...

She even sniffed a great sniff...

So confused was she,

She went through a drought!

Evelyn Mak tried to cut the box open,

With a pair of scissors she pried it quite...open...

...but in the process, she cut her thumb,

Evelyn, Evelyn you are quite dumb!

She opened the box as wide as could be,

And found fun-paper, pop pop pee!

"IT'S NOT AN iPOD," Evelyn cried,

She didn't want to get her hopes up,

then down, or she really would've cried,

Blah Blah Blah ... Blup.

Too scared to look, Evelyn pulled

Out a thin paper that did not scold,

or yell for that matter, though it was quite silly

and made her laugh, looking quite giddy.

The box that cost a fiver,

Sherene had said,

Opened like a hive-r,

And did NOT cause her finger the-present-tense-of-bled.

"OMG IT'S AN iPOD

OMG iLOVE THEM

OMG IT'S AN iPOD

OMG iLOVE THEM"

Even a 'song' declared her joy,

This iPod would not be a mere toy.

It was even engraved, bought online

It almost caused tears, but my eyes were fine...ish.

When it was turned sideways,

Album covers would show,

And even under covers in the dark,

this iPod would glow!

She kept it with her day and night,

Fob or not really, it was quite a sight.

She never lost it, and never will

She kept it on her head and not the windowsill.

She loved it so much, she kissed it a bit

Love-struck; Star-eyes! It was quite the hit.

She even got a card that said "congrats"

I'm glad you didn't instead give me a hat.

Evelyn was so happy, she bit the card

She bit and bit, and it was quite hard.

The card made her laugh,

The card made her smile,

I'll keep you all close

Forever-awhile.

Pee esS

what i meant to say was,

this present was amazing;

thank you guys.

(i don't want to say 'thank you' too much,

it will lose it's meaning,

but if it didn't i won't ever stop,

like a broken music box)

sometimes, the thought can count,

but this was more than a million thoughts,

jumbled into a little yellow bundle of sound;

i am just so so in love with this thought of you five

i hope you know

you are loved,

i know i am.

discipline

God knows i need it more than ever

now that i am one day older

please grant me this one request

among my millions of others,

"God willing."

one word

or one picture,

is more powerful than you saying

"i miss you" a hundred times.

dusk (my love)

"dusk is just an illusion,

because the sun is either above the horizon or below it.

and that means that day and night are linked in a way that few things are;

there cannot be one without the other,

yet they cannot exist at the same time.

how would it feel to be always together,

yet forever apart?"

i love the peeling of oranges!

i love hard work and tall grasses!

i want to take my kids out of this technological age

(don't be silly evelyn, that's impossible & you don't have children)

but i do, and i imagine him (i dare say henry) with my beautiful

black haired daughter, in those grasses

eating oranges, neither knowing what an ipod is;

or if they do, they don't care, because they have each other

and God is overlooking this couple gently singing

about the sunrise.

and i am forever watching them,

"why is it i cannot go where he is?"

-

unknown & the time traveler's wife - a must must read

nostalgia (my lost)

deep inside the corner of my mind

i'm attached to you

i've waited all my life

to cross this line,

to the only thing that's true

when i listen, i am

nostalgic

i remember far away, so long ago

in beautiful british columbia, the small room of 1816

i am lying on my parents' gigantic king-size bed,

made for maybe 20 people to sleep on, snuggle

to love and to make babies, to fight over, to cry in

made for my family, made for me.

i am lying on it, and it is the almost-end of summer

it is the morning, and the sun is shining on the

golden-dappled walls of my white hiding-place

and i am lying there and the blinds are all the way down

but they are peeking open, so the golden liquid

that is the sun's rays are caressing my equally golden face

and i am melting into this warmth, this lazy-smile, this awake-sleep

i don't ever want to leave, because this is when guitar-serenades

are made, this is when slow dancing couples in tall grasses

are uncaring in the whisper of violins and sopranos

this is when the height of my youth reaches the mist in the morning

this is when i am a child

this is when i feel like i am being touched by something great,

this is when i am small but it's okay because everything else is

big and beautiful.

i feel like crying, i want this back

but having the memory is enough

having a song on my lips and hands on my back

having a past in this beautiful place,

having a future in the big big world,

knowing i was a child,

and knowing i will still be one.

i think it is enough, this nostalgic picture

to fill me for tonight. i will think of you.

anthropology review of literature

- dear anthro. review of lit (4:06pm) -

hi, my name is evelyn.

we are going to know each other very well by the end of this day, maybe even continuing onto tomorrow. we'll probably have kids called eyebags, so i hope you are prepared to raise and deal with them.

i don't really love you,

but i need to do you;

in a nonsexually homework-y way,

sigh, e.

ps) after you, comes the bfh part1 & part2, and english journals, but i'll save you three for tomorrow.

- revised (at 9:48pm) -

pps) i love you now! i don't like working on you, but i learned so many interesting sad good things about old people, the health care system and the pension plan. boring? NOT EVEN.

there for tomorrow (8)

their music is in my head

no more room to breathe - mv

"say we'll make them say

that we've been down and out all day
if your education brings you home 
why are you still away?

see we'll make them see
that we've got no more room to breathe
if your education brings you home
why are you still away?"

deadlines

"when your deadlines become my days and nights"

remember when

"remember when, we never have to remember when times were better

when times were better than this"

go listen :)

ps) they are so cuuute in real life, but their pictures are so gross

and now no one believes me... they ARE BEAUTIFUL. but human.

brother

so i had a 'good' week (yes, i did but no i didn't.. more so no than yes)

i went to see anberlin and tft

i got to dress up as a gingerbread man

i met up again with tc media beauties..

but i was just so tired and drained and out of it

i was so unhappy, and i missed like three devos

i was lazy and i was bored, i was like a sack of dead computers

lying covered up in black black and brown on the floor

useless and using everything, taking and taking

sucking up everything in the vacuum that was me

i finished my room; all the pictures are up

(except for rhon & ctso .. doing those two crazies later)

and i happened upon a picture of joe, who is currently hibernating

and then i missed boobert, who melted and i was so sad

and i wanted to cry very much, but i was too tired to cry

so i didn't, and my parents had to go to a meeting

and i was too much of nothing to do my review of lit.

or study for the bfh in class test, and i just wanted to take a bath

in some of God's love and joy, but i was too lazy to get up and get out

and i just so much of the asdf; and asdf? asdf?!? asdf.. asdf!

i guess my heart prayed the prayer my mind was too tired to think

i was on youtube just stalking tft who disappointed me a bit in one video

but were mostly still okay none-the-less, and then i was listening to

pain by this beautiful republic .. which was beautiful, as the band suggests

and i just sang along and along and along, and i just wanted to drown in this

but i took myself out and just started to study, because i wanted discipline

and i knew i needed to start somewhere..

and also because i could only help my brother to get away from the computer

if i helped myself, so i did.. and i actually loved studying.. taking notes..

i love learning and making myself think, i love reading and writing and i think

somewhere this week month over the summer, i lost that

and now i've somewhat touched the iceberg again, but it's a long way from the tip

to the bottom that is the deepest ocean

so i did make my brother get off his bum and rest his eyes

and he washed the dishes.. which actually, i washed but he

felt bad and washed his own, and then he played a bit of piano

and i was like get off the computer more.. so i started talking to him

and then suddenly we were playing this game on my dining room table

where we spin the bottle-lid and see how far we'd go, and the rules

were there just not spoken, though everything he cheated a gabajillion times

and then cap turned into a quarter which hurt my fingernail and it hurt

and i owned him less than he owned me (boys..) and then we went upstairs

to see his beautiful bridge of popsicle sticks that by theory could hold me

(it's like.. 5 inches tall.. yay) but really honestly can it hold me?

so after a long time of throwing pens at each other and running away

and laughing and just feeling good (I LOVE YOU JOSHY WOSHY MUWAHS)

.. i wonder what my brother would do if i did that in front of his 'cool' friends

who are in grade seven and are facebook addicts for which i cry;

go outside little ones! enjoy! enjoy, evelyn! enjoy!

and now i laughed a lot for real, and my brain is slowly letting me

un-detach myself, because so often i find myself looking in from the outside

at myself.. i don't think that's good all the time.. i need to enjoy

i need to wake up

can it hold me?

yes, no, maybe;

i don't know, but i do so i take that back.

i need a definite;

Hold Me.

God is good, all the time,

a lifeline in itself - this IS GOOD NEWS!

enjoy, evelyn, enjoy!

(i love how no one can mark my

never-ending run-on sentences

that have too many 'and's;

what do you see?)