New Year

Last post before 2010!

I used to love New Years, or Mondays
And hailed them as new beginnings...
But it shouldn't be like that;
Really (for me) it was just an excuse to bleed excess the Sunday before, or in December...
It's hard to break out of that mindset of "Oh, I'll do that later"
But it should always be Now.
Love now.
Say sorry now.
Learn now.

This year is different,
I don't really have 'resolutions'
I have resolutions every morning.

I have one question:
How do we live like we will die the next day?

Happy new year!
What a fragmented post to end a year.

Love, Ev.

P.s. every year is insane. Change always catches me by surprise.

He is here

SCL #634. Having "This is weird, but..." moments.

I forgot that God is great.
I forgot that He is good. That he is now. That he is here.
That He is funny. That He is kind.

Thank you God. You turn my living room into a sanctuary,
A quiet moment into one of beauty, and meaning.

Hillsong United, "Desert Song"
I will bring praise, I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice, I will declare
God is my victory and He is here 

Fair Days

fair, "cut down sideways"
oh, my love, don't push it like the way we used to do
even if you get far, don't go far without me; i'll never make it

The days have been good. I'm finding many beautiful moments,
It breaks my heart, the beauty of this world-
the grace of the next.

(!)

Each day, every single day, "Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning" (Lam2:23).

I have been afraid to blog about it, afraid that if I wrote what I felt at that moment, I would not be consistent because the next would bring about a different joy, pain. I was afraid if I wrote that "I love God" or "I feel so distant from God" I would contradict myself, be... wrong. But, who am I kidding? Even the Psalmists, in distress from death or in joy of beauty they praised God, stood in his presence, and then wrote a poem about exactly how they felt. They were not afraid of holding back, they lashed out at God, begged God, almost bribed God, sang beautiful songs to God, praised God. Oh God, to be close to you I have to open up myself, see myself, know myself. I have been holding in every moment for so long, afraid to 'look' as something... but whatever! What. Ever! Your hand is holding me, so I will not be afraid of being open and vulnerable, anything to grow, anything to be closer, be more like You.

I am learning so much more about myself everyday, seeing my inner psyche, my inner world, seeing my flaws and beautiful spots, seeing how I am me and what I have been given is what my will will (have to) work with. I am not afraid to face myself, because God already knows... and he still loves me.

And all this is because of God's hand in my life. Everything, everything, the moments I think that are mine alone, the things I have no control over, everything God is using it to shape me, mold me, help me understand myself, my world, the world, God himself. The reason I was 'accidentally' put into Becoming Fully Human, the reason I did not drop out of Studies in Literature, the reason I was put into TC Media, the reason I am not doing WTF, the reason I am ashamed, the reason I am alive, the reason I am surrounded by the people I love and dislike; everything is leading up to the pinnacle moment of eternity: "in Him...we have our being" (Acts17:28) and from Him only can I draw eternal meaning. But should we sin to increase grace? Should I be sloth to increase meaning? No! I want to actively run, grow, change. I want my will so bad to be strong, to be brave, but in God is all good and perfect things (James1:17).

I will not be afraid to say what I mean, what I feel, what I think, what I have done right now. To show all of God's work. I hide the bad things? I don't hide them, per se, but... oh that I might show my wounds in order to show how God has worked in my life! No pain, no gain: the theology of the cross until heaven meets earth.

Down with fear! "Damn the devil" (qtd. T's 'vulgar' friend). How many times I excuse sin... I am so sorry! To God, to myself, to people I know, that I have not always been an ambassador of my Father and Saviour. That my emotional passion may weaken and still: that my inner passion of will never die. Ah, but right now I am emotional, not a spiritual high, but a realization that I was blind and now I can see: and yet I live the life of a blind man! How to help! How to do! How to be! How to love! Oh! It is hopeless, Christianity is hopeless, it is impossible it is illogical it is love and Christ is the only hope.

I want to read, I want to take a walk.
I want to pray and really listen. Really just be honest with God without being afraid I am not being correct, or good, so that I can be at peace I have shown my heart to Him (though He already knows)... this is a problem I have, I am pathetically afraid I am not being CORRECT. Childhood influences, social subconsciousness, tools of the Liar, whatever it IS I want it out of my head...

When I was reading a commentary on the Psalms, I felt so sudden a heavy hopelessness: the Psalmists experience hope and despair, in cycles over and over, and despair tenfold more than hope. How can I survive such despair? Loneliness? Abandonment? Rejection? How can I fully taste the sweetness of joy when I know there it is, despair. But there is so much hope, there is hope in Christ.

I want to be available. Now. Now is the key, I cannot decide to be available for later, I can only decide to be available for now. God, I am available now. I want to be completely honest with you, I want to spend more time with you, more than now. It's pathetic, thirty minutes a day. Or less. It is NOT enough. So many times, you touch my on my shoulder, elbow, knuckles and I miss communion/communicating with you. God, I am sorry! Please help me. I cry for help, but do not stretch out to hold your hand. I am silly. Teach me. Be firm. Be who you are. I want to give it up. I can't right now, you are not asking me, but when you say "give it up" I will willingly go. I say this with confidence because you will give me strength when I need it, just enough to make it my will and all in You. I want to live with joy. Let me not succumb to the world, remind me of who you are and what I am every morning when I pray and listen and you tell me the stories of your people, the story of me, the story of You and Your Son. I want to write and write and not look back to check. Here you go. Check for me. After I am done, then I will check, yes. I need to learn this.

How I am so tired, my eyes are weary but I cannot leave because I am afraid. I am afraid as soon as I leave this computer, You will again be distant and I will again know not what to do and then do nothing or leave. Don't let me leave. DRAW ME. Give me a taste so I will hunger for me. Lord, I pray to hunger. I pray to want. I pray for thirst and want. I want to always want more of You.

What is it like to be free? I am not completely, but I should know.

I have forgotten so many things. I am an empirical child, impossible. But you're so great and good. I am amazed. I want to sing! Play the guitar! Shovel the snow! Feed the homeless. Clothe the poor. To give up one thing is to give up your entire life... you cannot stop giving. Where do I begin? Pride? Money? Clothes? Selfishness? Acceptance? I know you do speak to me, just help me be attentive to your voice.

I love you and want to love you with my entire life!
I want to "come before you in heaven with a good report card" (qtd. 10 year old Anson who is getting baptized this Christmas). I want you to smile.

So many words, now it is time for rest.
For integrity and continuity.
Don't just stop here. Keep on going.
God, one more thing. Always one more thing. Please help me know you love me.
Oh forgive me, how easily I forget your Son! KKKKKaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeewwwwrrr.
How easy I cannot 'feel' it and therefore don't know it.
Help.

Always, help.

Thank you for listening and reading if you've gotten this far.
Please pray for me and know I am praying for you, and for specifics please tell me!

Thank You.

Thank You, God, that I can Read

"A book must be the axe for the frozen sea inside us."
- Kafka

Thank You, God, that I can read,
Taste! On which I cannot feed,
Look: back, in and out of here
Not alone in love and fear
That I can see another hand
And know that I can understand
Smell the blood of other backs
And see my own and what I lack

A feast, a mirror, a thing to know
(thank you God that I can read)
And most of all that I can grow.

I did not mean for it to rhyme, but it just happened that way. I didn't even want to write a 'poem'. Ah. Oh. Ee. Ah. Ooh- I had been stressing about my "Why I read, How I read, What I read" essay for ETS4U1 (Studies in Literature) and I was starting to wish I did not take the course, that I dropped out as two other people did, that I was eternally more insightful that I am now- and self-reflective too, while I am asking for miracles. I was worrying and unhappy and unable to trust God with my course- I was anxious about my marks and it hindered my freedom to do my best.

Today, I thank God because I feel I am free. It is not only an issue of marks, but of control and trust. I guess my own back is tired of shouldering my own (small) burden, so it gave way and now I don't have a burden. I am just doing to do my best, and truly not worrying about it because oh, what will worry do but lock up my cage and throw away the key (thankfully God's hand-eye coordination is amazing and manages to catch the key before it hits the bottom of the bin-of-no-return).

Anyways, I feel like there is hope! And in hindsight every obstacle has prepared me for bigger things and perhaps this small act of letting go of that which I really cannot hold and taking are of my own part to which I am assigned is preparing me to let go of bigger and more worry-some things.

Back to work, which I am now excited to do.
Much love,
E.

ghost

A song to listen to when you discover this photograph: "Love Affair", by Copeland.

This didn't turn out the way I wanted- or expected- but I like it nonetheless, and it says something. What do you think?