conjoyment

i'm reading a book called
"the geography of bliss"

and basically it's about 'one grumps search for the happiest places in the world'
he went to switzerland (he being eric weiner) and said that in general, the swiss had a kind of happiness that was like contentment and joy... but not as still as contentment and less outrageous than joy. he labeled it 'conjoyment'.

i am feeling very conjoyful.

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tc's over and school's back
i think for the first time, i am growing steadily and following after God
as in before, i'd usually have spiritual 'bursts', or 'highs' or even highs that would last for a month or so, but would die out because of exhaustion, or not living up to standards that i set on myself (more on that later)
but now... i feel a sense of solidness, like i am surprised that i am actually growing slowly and steadily because i've never felt like this before.
of course, i've felt immense peace but it only lasted a short while... but this is like i'm on a firm foundation.
i guess it has a lot to do with my life being more disciplined, and everything to do with God.

i mean, before i used to care so much about this game we play called 'social-life'
i'd stay after school to chat and chat about the dumbest things
or i'd stay up late at night talking on msn about the dumbest things
social life served it's purpose for a while, but honestly it has not contributed to anything
you could say that you get to know and be more comfortable with people
but we never get very far and relationships become stagnant and i do too
anyways, off from my anecdote

i used to be very... how do i say this.
i used to set these impossible standards for myself,
like i didn't give myself enough room to grow,
and as i failed those tests, everyday i'd beat myself and shut down
like for example, i'd pretend i was such a strong Christian
but i'd do everything but not actually do it in Christ,
i'd just... do it.

i'm trying to be as honest as i can now, to myself
it's a struggle i'm always facing, because as a child i've set impossible standards for myself
maybe it has to do with wanting to deserve love.
the thing is, i've never deserved it but i've always gotten it.

i feel very... free. like the weight of self-imposed guilt has vanished
i am fearing everything less and trying to love more

i am still scared sometimes to 'show' God at school,
and it's very sub-concious and unintential in a way,
i'd be going to the library with my bible and i'd hold it so no one could see it
but then i stop myself and go... what am i doing.
i wasn't even thinking of hiding it, but there i was hiding it and it's just all these small things i've done to stop God from entering my life at school.

today in the library, i was sitting at a carrier close to the window
and a non-christian acquaintance from drama was there and asked me for help
his name means "friend of God" but he's openly declared that he's the farthest from that...
so he asked me for help in physics, and i helped in...
well, what i am saying is, i didn't really care what he thought.
i mean, i was praying and reading the bible and whereas before i would be scared of other people seeing it... didn't matter to me anymore.

i know, it's something very stupid to be scared of... but it was always there.

what i am realizing is everything little thing i DO, God can be in it.
someone praises me at school for a talent or whatever, i don't give credit to God, i just say 'thanks' bashfully and change the topic.

i think i got into too many anecdotes there,
but the point is i am conjoyed that i am slowly growing
but i really need prayer that i don't stop and can really begin being a light in this darkness

i am such a fool for being stuck in my own little storm,
but now God's shown me a little bit of what it's like above the storm

today i wrote out all that love was "love is patient, love is kind" and i just saw how much sin i've really been committing, you know?

sin of ommission, sin of commission

lately, i've also learned to take things less personally,
i get hurt sometimes over very minor things still,
but it's gotten better.

the more i grow in God, the more i... am.

of course, i have so much more growing to do
SO MUCH MORE to DO!
but for now, i just wanted to share my conjoyment.

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blog later:
- tc & miracles & hurts
- masks: easy to see, hard to penetrate
- serving

but this is for now.