pantyhose & comfy clothes

VYBE PARTY

yesterday, i went to the vybe christmas party with a bunch of friends, talented in the dancing ways (and of course, those that lacked in body movement skill, of which i was in the latter group). it was pretty fun to dress up, even though we had to walk in the cold to jto's car (it was SO cold) and squish ourselves plus ten thousand bags (of which nine thousand were carrie's) and a dilemma between wearing heels or flats and another dilemma between whether to poof thy hair or not to poof thy hair and then figuring out we were very late and then really figuring out everyone else was even later.

when dilemmas consist of shoes and hair... you know what kind of night it is.

anyways, we got there and i went to the front with a bunch of brave and non-brave-old-timers to learn how to do some hip-hop to No Air. it was pretty fun, except that i can't dance and my flats wouldn't let me turn properly and it was at the front of the room and the camera was pointed right at us. and the instructor (danny?) was pretty funny, he used the words "ka-ka" a lot. Like, "the world, revolves around...KA-KA!"

i met some new people... okay i met one new person (josh, i think, cherie's friend). but it was pretty fun, even though i had to put up with jto & ev all night making fun of me, touching my poof (yes, i decided to poof the hair; and wear flats for dancing & heels for everything else), imitating eagles... you get the point.

the rest of the night was watching dances & playing 'embarrassing get to know each other games', of which i played... none. but it's okay, watching was really funny. anyways, the dances were SO GOOD! i am so proud of my dancing flashing radiant friends for being able to move their bodies so toughly & fluidly & beautifully. but yo, L.O.V.E (ladies of vybe entertainment) were very, very experienced. they did one to Black & Gold and it was very scandalous but also very captivating at the same time. and then the guys imitated them which was crazy hilarious.

AFTER VYBE

and then afterwards we loitered around for a long time just around the angus glen lobby; i sat on the ledge and it felt so peaceful after a kind of hectic night. we were watching this lone hockey player just messing around on the ice, and i felt kind of like i wanted some piece of that. to be able to do something at 10 at night or 5 in the morning because you love it so much and are dedicated to it. it's like writing songs, or books, or drawing or running. i wish i could play guitar; maybe i'll marry someone who can and we'll be a two-person team, kind of like the gypsy parade (which i highly recommend; www.myspace.com/gypsyparade i think it was). but anyways, a friend was being silly and yelling at the hockey player through the glass about how she loved him and of course she didn't mean it but she was kind of serious, asking us "do you think he hears me? i love him so much!" and i was kind of scared. i hope i don't come off like that, and i only hope that because sometimes i am not real. and i know this because what i am sometimes isn't what i look like. of course, everyone struggles with this, but i can pinpoint many small times. i have to watch what i say, especially to people like my friend, who i was scared of and scared for. this reminds me of this other friend who was wearing high healed boots but felt she was too formal so she asked her mom to bring her her normal boots. i was just so... i just thought it was such a small thing, it shouldn't matter so much! no one really notices (she didn't meet any new people as far as i know) and no one really cares (people were wearing heels). i just thought it was a kind of waste of gas and made me realize that i spend too much time on these kind of things too.

PANTYHOSE & COMFY CLOTHES

it was fun dressing up, but i find real beauty in quiet mornings and snow filtered sunlight. i was kind of feeling odd in my flashy clothes so in the middle of the night i changed into my sweats, cardigan & tank top and boots. i felt so much more natural. why did i dress up? it was pretty. why did i change? it was beautiful. no, it actually wasn't. well, it was in my own way but i only wrote that because it sounds like i can use it for some (cheesy if done badly) book.

i imagine sitting on a window ledge and playing music. since i can't play guitar, i imagine sitting on a window ledge and singing to someone else playing guitar. i need to find a house with a sit-able ledge.

i really like listening to simon & sam jam, they were made for each other, so it seems.

THOUGHTS ON THOUGHTS

i have rarely blogged so... bluntly. it reminds me of the diary days.

sometimes, sundays make me unhappy. but i am finding some beauty and joy in this, even if it's slowly. i think God is very beautiful, i am going to go outside and shuffle the snow because that is beautiful too.

*i am so dumb! i wrote "shuffle" and i definitely meant "shovel"

BREATHING

hi God, you are beautiful. please help me; i have many small troubles that are probably from bigger troubles that i care not to admit. also, please help me & evangel for writing the media thing because it's due tuesday. also, i am very, very afraid of beginning my bfh project, i am making it bigger in my mind than i ought, sorry God! and also, i'm very lazy please forgive me - as in i always try to change but my things don't work. and... yeah, please help me learn your voice because sometimes i'm not sure if i'm listening right but other times i hear so clearly! i am just a baby sometimes, sorry God.

you are the joy i find when i go to sunday services and see the apart-s so clear i don't know what to do. you are my only hope! also, my chest kind of hurts because i don't know how to breathe yet. also, my knuckles are calloused from the holes. my eyes are bloated, and i think about myself a lot. i am the worst. and today there was an empty seat and i was very happy and it was filled by green and i was even happier. he's very beautiful, God. please help me learn from his examples.

PARTING

heartbreak movie: doctor zhivago

i am so tearful for my mom & dad,

thank you so much they found each other. thank you with all i am, God.

*i just reread some of my august posts.

i am expressive most when i am sad.