no more excuses

why do we do the things we do?

succumbing to the stupidities of our generation,

we don't seem very different;

we think there is a middle ground of Christianity,

but there isn't, and calling yourself one and not living like one

is even worse than saying 'screw Christianity' and living that

because at least they aren't lying to everyone, God, themselves

there is no middle ground, but that is what the other side is disguised as

lukewarmness, disgusts God, this skin that drapes over us

for so long i have lived like this, actually lying to myself

trying to convince myself i am okay, i am doing right, i am good

and when i got close to acknowledging the full-fledged utter crap that was myself

i would shut it down, shun it as obscene, where, in reality

my lies were obscene; atrocious, lascivious, vile;

they did not seem like lies, rather, like omissions of thought and feeling

which were boring, sloth-like, and apathetic: making them what they were: disgusting;

God's timing is ALWAYS the best, and his opinions(?) matter the MOST

what value is there is how others look at us,

what small rewards we gain from someone else's jealous eyes,

small trinkets, childhood toys, marred by the temporal pulls of finite life;

we have been conditioned, told, pressured to care

about these vile, vain, valueless things like clothes and hair

these things all go away with a flurry of movement and wisp of smoke

these things DO NOT MATTER,

we need to start living like we are infinite because our life has BEGUN!

oh boys and girls, why do we look upon vulgarities?

last night when we were watching youtube videos, and we were laughing at this one where a black man is killing a praying-mantis/spider, and swearing insanely: why are we taking joy in something that is embarrassing in front of the Lord? we would never show this in church and we would never show this to God. i felt stupid, God was asking why didn't you stop it and do something constructive, loving, beautiful and not waste TIME and ENERGY and laughter - which is beautiful and created by one who loves to laugh, smile, enjoy, delight in, etcetera - on this? sometimes, i ask too many questions, "why, how, what?" and should just do it when i am urged to. sorry, sorry i am helpless and yet you have given me so many things to use, i have no tools; i say this when i am well equipped for every good work;

i thank God for rescuing me from the clutches of myself,

or of what this world has instilled in me and what i call my 'identity'

i was lost but now am found, and need to be found daily

he said Follow Me and now he says Everyday

and i want to take up this burden which is freedom

and be with him always,

public prayer sometimes bothers me

because it seems, sometimes, we aren't even talking to God;

thank you God for rescuing me from my smart words

and humbling me, making me small, stupid, weak when i was proud:

pride is a huge problem for me,

God has given me so much to take pride in,

but rather than giving it up to the skies which are his hands, his work, his art

i take them in, greedily, for myself and take them as my own chains

and thus they hold me;

only this YhWy that we can even call

(WE CAN TALK TO GOD, WHAT?! WE CAN TALK TO HIM?!)

can make our weaknesses something to show

the worst, most disgusting parts of our body

we give special honor;

only today have i accepted

that i will love my baby of the future

love the people that i do not want to associate with

because to be crippled is to be crowned

and the lame are to be given a higher standing;

i just want to praise GOD

because in this broken world

he is still GOD,

he is alive!

and oh i am living with him,

i praise you,

Lord thank you for my brother who just showed me a hilarious picture of nickelback

i praise you,

Lord give me the strength to praise you in weariness and weakness

and trouble and toil and dirt and quicksand(?) and darkness

let me praise you with my life

take my heart it is yours

forever, because you hold that

and this and everything

please take these people i love so much

and keep them alive to fulfill their work, reason, Will,

i am afraid they will not fully be alive;

You are perfect where we are not,

TAKE IT ALL! PLEASE! JUST TAKE ME!

Amen.