Just Say Yes

God is working everyday...
Ever since I started praying for my family...
Through prayer God changes us and works - reveals it to us.

Last night I was praying for brothers and sisters, writing it down, and then for my brother
But the words for those brothers and sisters outnumbered by far the words for Josh
I was so, so sorry because how much my heart has not been with my family even though I love them-
How is it I don't know what to pray for? That I don't know him? Don't see him?

At that moment I felt the need, an urge, to talk to my brother
I was in the middle of my devo, "Uh... should I go now, or later?"
I was wondering if that was just because I was feeling guilty for not knowing Josh well,
Or if it was really from God: I sat there wondering but really felt the push
It came into my head that I was praying to know Josh more-
And here was the call!

I stood to go, felt the need to get my Bible and picked it up,
Wondering what was going to happen- was I going to have a BS with him?
It's been something I've been praying about- to fellowship with my brother.

His door was closed, so I knocked and asked if I could go in:
"Why?" and I was completely blank I just expected him to say "Come in"
So I said, "Uh... I don't know... Uh... just to... uh... talk...?"
And he said... "No." I was shocked- and a little hurt. I turned to go, saying "I did my job" in my heart

But I felt very clearly God was like, "Turn around. Do it again. Let him know you are there:"
WHY I feel so embarrassed he already said no, I look so dumb, I feel so dumb...
But ah, whatever is it about me? I guess not:
I knocked again and told him that I was available if he wasn't going to sleep.
Immediately I felt peace, instead of "I did MY job"
It was: God will take this small offering and let it go somewhere...

I went downstairs to eat fruit with my parents
And since I was holding my Bible anyways (darn God I really wanted to do a BS with Josh...), I just brought it with me
When I sat down, I felt a need to read the Bible with them
So I just opened up the Bible, asked, "Can I read?" ("Sure")
And after reading Psalm 139, I shared about how this chapter changes my life everyday
Ended up sharing about my own walk and everyday spiritual struggles
For a long time... we were blessed and my parents shared a little as well.

Afterward (already, this was such a blessing!)
This led to a good talk with my dad about my brother,
And also about an important lesson that I've been encountering everywhere:
To believe in GOD and not our convictions about or from God...
(see Genesis 22 - Abraham Tested)

One thing I struggle with a lot is being legalistic about my devotions and my faith...
Some days, I can sit on the floor with my Bible and read and pray for hours,
But other days I kind of force myself onto that "level"...
And I realized, while talking to my dad, that instead of leading my towards God,
This legalism is something that (at times) makes me fear going to God
Some days it is good to have that, but other days is it good to just have silence,
Or to be light, or to just listen, or to sing- God says rejoice always but this legalism of mine
Has hindered me from joy, my forced passion- I always end up in tears trying to get over this block
I didn't KNOW what the block was until last night when God revealed that part of my heart as Pharisaic

Not only in devotions- but in my attitude towards God.
I have been listening to the devil's lies:
(This is from My Utmost For His Highest)
That God would ask a woman for her son because she loves him too much...
This is NOT God's nature-
(This is from a talk by Jon Acuff, Stuff Christians Like's author)
That we must always give things to him like it is a chore
Like at a retreat the pastor, on the Saturday night where everyone feels very spiritual,
Will ask the people: God is asking for something in your life tonight! What is it you will give him?!
And we ask ourselves, "Hm... what can I give God, what can I give God..." and we go through our list
And "Ah! My boyfriend!"
That sounds dumb :) but for me it's like that... in my heart,
I see him as a demanding God, a jealous (in the human sense) God

But... no, Psalm 139: God knows me.
And everywhere: God loves me.
I must hold on to these truths-
To have faith in God and not in our convictions, even if they are from him-
(Again, see Gen 22... Abraham acted out of faith in God,
and not faith in his convictions or else he would have followed through
We must act out of faith in God
Or else we will become religious fanatics
And God isn't a God of religious fanatics- he is a God of freedom)

A week ago, I would have never been able to do these things,
To persevere in letting my brother know I am here and I love him
To make myself so vulnerable to my parents (sharing about my restruggles is never easy)

It was grace through faith:
God teaches us lessons- and these lessons always have a life- in your heart or in your hands
He asks of us what he has equipped us to do but which will still stretch us:
Sometimes the smallest, most mundane, ordinary things
And sometimes the craziest, most explosive things-

Whatever it is, just say yes, and just see how far God can take you with the smallest ounce of faith