a lonesome lunch (but not)

(i wrote this during what i am describing - outside the civic center, sitting facing the pond... the italic part is something you wouldn't understand but i need it here)

(i'm not even sure if i want anyone to read this. i don't know but i do.)

i am profoundly and stupidly touched because Johnston told whoever was presenting that i had a question or comment. it is so silly, because i am always voicing my opinions but i guess i just sit back for BFH. some people are always saying what they want and some people are always scared to stand up. both might be a kind of fear and unfear. i don't know what i am in the aspect, i am always growing, changing. lately, my thoughts don't articulate themselves, but i think that is a part of growing up... and not out.

and anyways, i was just so... something... after class that i thought you know what? i need time for myself and my thoughts (one and the same?) and God (didn't do devos this morning @#$!). my lunch is second and i usually eat with eight of my friends but sometimes i feel it is a waste! i look forward to lunch... but why? all we talk about is... nothing. sometimes, we touch upon important things that have meaning but... it is dismissed as not a part of the here and now and real life, but only somewhere we go when we feel like it.

so i am eating alone, and i don't mind, it feels good to just be here in the sun, shadow of pen highlighting the bottom of this page, hair blowing and then not, sound of everything seagulls and geese and the water, wind and grass. it is a cloudless day, with room for stretching and being.

i love human connection, i love understanding someone, but i need to be here right now, at this time. like in drama; follow my intuition (not always, but this is right). it's kind of cold and a black man is talking on the phone ten meters away, his voice is a part of this. the warmth of the sun reaches my bones better than the hot hot shower i had this morning.

i think... i thought something but i don't want to say it. when i read back, i will not remember and it will be a mystery for myself. how quickly we can't recall.

so today was the importance of education... or whatever the article was called. oh. function of education. it's so crazy: we are talking and talking about it... but we don't come up with ways to act. camus would hate us :). but seriously: okay we can change how we view things... instead of 1 + 1 = 2... we can do: oh my goodness... one plus one... is TWO. there are TWO now, where there was only one and one! be amazed a bit more.

there is a duck two meters in front of me. it is just aimlessly floating... it is beautiful.

but teachers have to be taught that students may have answers they never knew existed.

the sun of this autumn day is so warm, thank You, God.

THE DUCK JUST SCRATCHED IT'S BEAK! 

wow i haven't used the word 'beak' in a long time. this is what we are missing. SCREW GAMEBOY.

... to turn society, to scratch the system. but surely, in my here and now, if i learn to break free, and live, then re-enter the system... lives would be changed. it's the attitude, it's the responsibility, it's the freedom, it is our God. revolting against ourselves, trying new things. raising your hand.

i do not feel alienated because i am not alone. i was alienated from the world before. i am an alien.

i am nostalgic for daisy-chains. i remember those things... how could i forget?

a lot of the time when i ask myself 'what would they think?' i imagine myself just going to poor Africa where the need for life is more important than others judging us (WHO IS THEY?! everyone not me? or maybe everyone who is an 'us' that matters... or probably doesn't matter).

our bodies take pictures. the golden sun-flow is honestly imprinting itself onto the fabric of my skin.

my friends just came and were surprised (ALONE?! when you... don't HAVE to be?!)

their reactions amuse me and don't touch my heart in the same way they used to.

i threw a piece of meat to a seagull and now they are all surrounding me... CRAP.