(this is going to be hard to explain...)
this is about an exercise that happened today in drama. part one is emotion-ridden and will not make sense. part two is my actor mind processing the emotion. part three is what the exercise was really about. enjoy.
part 1
"always, the first person you find is your scene partner"
i navigated my body to find her with my eyes and then i did and we were looking into each other and just breathing. for some strange reason, she started to cry, and i saw her eyes and they were just raining rivers of salt down her face around her chin and dripping on the floor, i imagine making huge splashes of flood water on the dust-men down there. and i saw her eyes and i just wanted to comfort her, i didn't need to know what was wrong (or right), i just needed to be there and to share. and she was crying and crying and i wanted so badly to cry with her, but i wanted to be her confident and wonderwall, and i couldn't cry. and i needed - it was a part of me - to make her better (or to always be in the process of making her better), but i didn't want to (at the same time) because her sadness was beautiful and was such a celebration to the world. i touched her hand first or maybe she found me, but her clammy clasped hand was a dream in itself, with star-speckled banners pronouncing love. i found myself beseeching, on one knee, her head once my size now far and small in the tiny vast distance i covered on the way to feel the floor under my leg. i knew she would accept, but there's always apprehension and the afraid of the moment, but the next second she was down and we were both going back up. and i just needed to fall into her embrace and it was fulfilling and good. it crossed my mind to stab her, but i knew i couldn't and i would not wait for her to do it i would just enjoy the wonderful embrace in the moment. and i was crying now because she could be okay, and she was crying harder and i stopped crying first and i was just peaceful, relaxed, calm, not waiting, just being. after a long long time - eternity, perhaps, or four minutes - she raised her fist and stabbed my back and the spear of parting just shook my body with a spear through my heart. i turned my head and suddenly i was crying and crying and crying so hard my frame was shaking with anger and hatred but no, not hatred, never hatred, because i loved her so (in that moment) and so i began my sad dance. i flung my arms out to let go of my feeling, i grabbed my imaginary heart two centimeters away from my real heart and flung it away from myself away away, and i know what i wanted was to throw away my warm beating heart but i wanted to keep it at the same time because it was a gift she gave me. arms twisting, gnarled legs pulsing dancing crying crying for my lost love. tragic treacherous beautiful tearful Love.
part 2
so throughout the entire exercise, my actors awareness was fully there, and i kind of took in all the emotions and i really liked being able to feel these emotions but at same time know i can detach myself because it wasn't real. i felt nothing at first, then i felt a concern, a care, a love, a being loved, and then a heart-broken pain. layer after layer of emotion that if real would drive me insane, but in drama is good for the stage. and i think today was really successful in connecting and "feeling" because i really followed my impulses: no mind games of "oh are you doing this" or "i'm going to wait". and then after having these emotions haphazardly placed on me, i really did "shake it out". i let my body fly and move in abstract ways that would not make sense in a world not imaginary. i was blind to the classroom with my eyes open because i needed to let out my emotion through my body in a dramatic way. it felt good. real good. i was, of course, really tired and emotionally drained (DUH) and physically drained (equal DUH) but after i was just... peaceful, and while knowing i might not be able to make another good connection i could still try. and i did. yay.
part 3
so, the whole purpose of this exercise is to help develop our body movement, and connect our emotions to the body and just let our brains turn off for a little while as we dance our emotions out.
so the exercise is that first, we warm our bodies up (biiig workout my thighs are burning) and open ourselves to be emotionally available to other people and put aside all things that are not drama related (i.e. judgement). then we walk around the room not focusing on anything but filling spaces. then we come into eye contact with someone and stand there. from then on, we let our impulses make our decisions; no mind games. the order of the exercise is this: eye contact - touch - beseech - embrace - stab - walk away. so, after we come into eye contact, i can choose to a) walk closer b) move father back or c) leave the eye contact and walk away. if our impulse is to walk closer do so. after two or three minutes look must lead to touch, which might be hand holding hand, hands on waist, whatever. then - if impulse allows - someone must do a beseeching, which is like asking someone to marry you: going down on one knee, always in eye contact. if they accept you you'll maneuver into the most beautiful embrace where you just melt into the other person, where you are vulnerable, and where you can rest your head. this embrace can go on forever and for a moment... but once you need to end it, you must raise your hand and stab the other person in the back with a fist. after that, no more eye contact and no more connection with each other. this is so heartbreaking, to kill the one you love, or to be stabbed or left by the one you accepted or pleaded with, that you have to, have to, shake it out of your body (this is so shakespeare). this is the most important part: because we have a very big amount of emotional energy, we must get it out... but not by collapsing (as many do when they cry, collapsing on the bed, collapsing into yourself) but by moving. dancing. we dance our bodies into shapes, that don't make sense in reality, but we dance and dance our bodies out until we are spent and the emotion of the moment leaves us. because that is all acting is, being in the moment - feeling each emotion as they come, touching the emotion, and remembering the emotion (for later use in the dramatic world - what worked, and what didn't work... what was interesting and engaging and what was boring). embracing the love, embracing the fear, embracing the pain that comes with separation. in the real world, we have things that last longer than just a moment. but this is imagery. this is not reality. this is acting and it is fun and i LOVE it.
