questions need not (1/2)

i have been so long

a content blob of nothing

wondering nothing, concieving nothing

being everything i thought, but

no.

i have QUESTIONS

but who to ask? God for sure,

but where is the God-face on earth?

pastors, parents, friends, internet

sometimes, i wonder if i am too tired

too drained.

yesterday, going from party to fellowship was TIRING

(but playing rock band for like 2 hours was amazing)

overload. i wonder if people i care about care for me

maybe, but i guess we both don't care as much as books

and movies. i keep on thinking "oh, i didn't get that many birthday presents

from people that i thought cared about me" but i don't care

i just want people TO care. who cares about wrapped pretty things?

Canada has spoiled me.

care care cares caress away

i've stopped downloading

but i want to and it's so dumb

the world is, but the world is wrong

and i want so many things

and those things won't bring anything

i think sometimes people give advice

when it's not needed. we just need ears,

for advice, we'd ask. but then again,

it's humbling to recieve advice

to make yourself vulnerable,

God please make our fellowship a You-alike.

i have no friends on earth

and i have all the best friends in the world

i don't get it

what i think

is not what

i feel. but feelings

are from the heart and the heart is crazy mad

about all things conformism. i won't wait for the world

i'll change

i read too many love stories

that make me lust for relationship

but i will just be till then. i want my mommy.

i want my mommy to hold me together while i cry

about things that are stupid things that matter to me

i want my mom with the hands of God to just be here but

she is at a seminar

and i am typing away