do

to do

so i am having problems stopping downloading

and i know since i am such a music freak

i really have to depend on God and not myself

because no matter how small a thing is,

it's still compromising my relationship with God.

i am sorry i made you sad, God.

so now i will just listen to music

on MySpace and iMeem and whatever

and i won't get an iPod anymore because

in the world there are so many other things

to do and listen to

i wish the birds were here,

i wish we could see the stars,

it would be a good two hour drive

but the shooting glowing rock is worth the while

they aren't doing their jobs

my msn and my windows works aren't working

(haha oxymoron haha okay no) and i find it hard

to just... not have it fixed. but i guess it's just

another way to remind me that i am more than a screen

i mean, i am having a panic attack

because my anti-virus stopped working

but... but... but... wow. i spend too much time here.

i am going to go outside for a jog or play piano

or something.

drama

i realize the things i am learning in drama

are so amazing. and they are only exercises

that if done if real life, would create wars

but drama is a place where you can put on a mask

and be whoever and be YOURSELF (but no one has to know)

because it is ACTING...

i need to document these things.

growing and God go hand in heart

i want to grow, and i think BFH is a VERY

good push, and all these controversial ideas

make me research and ask questions

another inspiration is zoe, God sends good people

and yay. real devo time. i realize i zone out when

i am praying at night, because i am too laden with other thoughts

that the entire day has given me, and i know that the world we live in

we can't see God neon lighting everywhere, we have to look

because actually, he is there. funny.

maybe i'll go and take pictures of things

i've never seen before.

God is so beautiful, you know?

my stomach warms at the thought of Him.

and the things he sends, obstacles that are ladders

snakes that are friends... not a player, not a pawn,

just a child, a child of GOD, and that's all

i want to be remembered as when i die.

because other things go away when forever comes

and forever is here, and forever happened when i was five.

advice & flattery

some people give the dumbest advice

they don't think before they give it

i just want to laugh, you haven't

even thought it through, and

you are trying to help me?

some people give advice because it makes

them feel important, it makes them

above and beyond! a level four

in a system that is just

a vicious cycle

some people can't take advice, because they

always need to be right, always need

to be "strong" which is the big

-gest weakness of all

i've definately been all of some people

and i realize now, taking advice is the best

and biggest thing sometimes of all evers!

a person is giving a part of themselves,

and you can tell if they are genuine or not

and you can discern within yourself,

which one you should listen to and not

but this only happens when you don't care

about your pride anymore, and in humility

realize you are no better than any of those

give me advice!

just be honest!

it will hurt, it will heal,

but in the end,

hey, it's better.

i HATE flattering lies:

i WANT to know if i am this or that,

flattery helps NO ONE but the devil...

truth & Truth is everything,

almost and twice over.

i want the TRUTH:

is my sinigng good or not?

this is important to me.

+ but give advice only out of love,

and best when asked, because then

the other person is ready to take it.

there are exceptions everywhere.

listen and know and pray before after during,

judging is the worst advice.

k-worship & koinonia

k-worship

hallelujah, praise the Lord

sing out (this is how it isn't supposed to be)

but it is, and here we are

and it is a time for Change

and it is a time to stay still and wait

Forgive Me

i only fear that i am not doing enough

valley of the shadow, i ~ not

and we are blinded by love

our eyes are OPENED with Love

words overlapping

words are just a sentance

strung together from the depths of our heart

because our hearts can't cry so our tongues do

our deceitful lips licking; we're sorry

we praise You hallelujah

we say our own words

and we sing with the group

a mistake? a slip of song?

a wrong chord, a missed note?

there are none!

where our sins are forgiven

and our hearts burn with passion

and zeal for our Jesus

where

koinonia

wow koinonia has grown so much

and now i am thrown off my feet because

there is not enough time and we are trapped by it

i want to reach out to every single one of them

i want to hold everyone's hand at least once

(the cultural difference is killing me - there's good and bad)

and tell them i love them, though i know them not

and i love Them because They are a Part of this Christ-body

and i love them because they are not a part of this freedom

and i wonder: how many people are really f r e e?

they say they are but they can't even face it

Lord i can't face this not-facing, so i turn to You

who should i speak to? i reach out to the new and lonely

and my old friends draw away, but it doesn't matter

because You hold everything that is me and not me

i try to give so much, and making myself vulnerable is hard

when people are chatting and not giving back, and it's NOT okay

but we'll have to do... pray pray pray pray pray pray Pray

wow i am bad at leading worship right now

and my team isn't musically the most amazing

and sometimes we get caught up and forget

but now we know, but God will take

this matter of self and make it the un-self, the congregation

and i just want people in koinonia to understand!

worship is not about how we look

it's about how we are praising thanking telling-of asking-for

a Consuming Fire our God

how can people see Christians have something going on

when we can't even sing out loud? it's not about us - it's not

it took me a long time to look outside myself

and realize hey, worship isn't about ME.

worship isn't Worship right now and it's killing me

put in a "leadership" position, which is more servant than anything

and i just want to shake people and say HEY WAKE UP

because there is so much more! and i am not doing enough

i will do my best, and leave everything else

but ya, God, work in us.