okay! or not

( a lot of things have happened that made me think ,

people - i - would tend to overlook ? i don't know . )

* sorry , today's post is chaotic as my thoughts are not articulated but i will learn

** first of , sorry rachel for making you wait to see this next post ,

i know you read mine like i read yours .. WRITE ANOTHER ONE .

i promise to make a promise (later) about how many times i write per week

so i am consistent .

so , this week :

mon : uhs people were supposed to go to wdl . they all flopped and i found out the morning of , it's not that bad , really . but .. it's just so many times high school a) makes people felt left out , i find it so sad when people are like "i'm not invited" but THEY are sad , you have better things to do with your time , love ; like finding out who you are and b) is very unreliable . so many people i am now scared of rejection , not because of my pride (for once) but because of our friendship . how dear of you to do without reason . and the sad thing is i love them all so i cannot be angry . i can only be angry for all of us foolish children .

tues : so i made a bad judgement and went to wdl instead of the beach with DE&P . but then again , sometimes i just do things to fill my life , instead of enriching it . i liked that wdl day , nat is easy to talk with (thank you) and evangel & kevhung yayaya . i suddenly realize that we might as well be strangers , for all we know about each other ; i don't even know your favourite colour ! how sad is that ?! I AM SO SAD !

wed : prereg day , saw so many high school friends .. kinda crazy now that i think about it . i LIVE with these people day to day and i care about them only a little . they have not endeared themselves to my heart . i actually enjoy spending time with them , i think because i don't need them . i depend too much on some people that let me down unintentionally (not talking to you , if you think it is) . they don't know that they are going away . don't leave ? or maybe it's best you do . banquet - i must say - sucked . dressing up with the girls was SO FUN , oh maaaan .

thurs : today .

i say this with love : some people need to grow , i  urge you . i need to grow , i urge myself . this year i will study harder not because i want good grades but because i want to GROW i want to LEARN i want to BE THE BEST i can be i want to REACH MY LIMITS i want to see the FACE of GOD in my friends i want to say things i MEAN i will NOT FLATTER , keep me to my promise , i will NOT waste more time and if i do then i will know and i will STOP and i will NOT WILL NOT stop seeking God . i'm sorry God , i barely know you . and you know all of me , i find my love for you is never enough , but any light will dissipate darkness .

how strange , i am laying my thoughts for the internet .

ps : maybe no one really wants to talk (to you)

i heard God last night in the crickets

OH MY GOODNESS I CAN'T BELIEVE I FORGOT THIS

last night after banquet my ears were ringing

and i was so scared and so so sad because

in this soundless voice my heart could easily shut God out

classic crime says : i've got the coldest heart

wow , and i thought i did . i have so much more to do !

i will try and try in vain and turn to God

to make me the "christian" on the out and not just the in

because i do not want to shame your name again and again .

i miss you even tho you are here

miracle man on the run

so much love

in such a small person

i see these kids and i just wish

i could entertain them , love them , be with them

always . kids are so beautiful - they make me happy

and i wonder how we can turn our hearts so cold

as to yell at them to shutup , stop asking

when we ourselves , haven't asked

enough .

why would a miracle man run ?

shortcomings ; failures ; fears .

miracle man - capital lights

- and i can't see anything

in a different world ; women have acid thrown on their faces

and reading the news i wanted to cry ; this woman , horridly disfigured

by her own HUSBAND can live and say that beauty is within

can stand up and show her face ; old and new

one moment we are beautiful , one moment we are not

how can that be ? it isn't right

one moment we are beautiful , the next moment we are still

and even more . moments come and moments go

that's what makes them kodaks so amazing ; they'll never come back !

see like them miracle men ; failures , fears .

i feel that when they are beside me they are safe

not true , as buildings fall and quicksand isn't real

sometimes there are dark shadows dining with us

we make room for them , we let them take our very lives

" very lives " - live like a miracle man ; fears .

i think time doesn't even exist or work anymore

i mean , the clock doesn't measure anything but minutes and hours

and those don't even EXIST don't even WORK . we made them up ; we did !

a week can zoom by but the four second drop can last at least you swear five minutes

time doesn't exist . we make our lives up . one more second ?

we are gone .

which reminds me :

" there is no rock " - vincent

paper, plastic, wonderwalls

(a lot of things don't make sense : but to my heart [the.mostdeceitfulthing]

this is what i need to say , and this is the only way to say it .)

take my words and let them be

if you are my wonderwall

then i expect for you

to catch my fall, if at all

you mean to be mine

please tell me ; or don't

i'll be scared

don't be scared , just because

nothing will ever by okay

because okay is normal

and only God is normal

and we are not God .

God is God and that is that .

we're weird , and i like it

i hate it i hate it ; "i hate that i love you"

what a song , what fake words

i love that i don't like anything - one

i love that i do

i love that i can love

i am nothing .

just dust on the side of the road

beside the puddles of gasoline and paper on fire

burning plastic away at the wake of the mourn

during the crying days when the earth is dry

save for my salt ; and for Your light

it seems we have been taken by blindness and disease

please stop and stop and stop and stop

i can't ; SHUT UP JUST SHUT UP "DAMN IT"

i don't have the right to damn , to judge , to say this

the notes play on and i can't see , ever

at all , nothing since the last autumn i was alive .

just pretty words and no eyes to look at

they look behind me : politician and businessman

lovers intertwine and i can't bear planted lips

my heart aches and i need a doctor

less i fall

and never get up

the job of the heart is to bleed

the job of the lungs is to breathe

my job is to do both

and do so until i can't

this is the

end