okay! or not

( a lot of things have happened that made me think ,

people - i - would tend to overlook ? i don't know . )

* sorry , today's post is chaotic as my thoughts are not articulated but i will learn

** first of , sorry rachel for making you wait to see this next post ,

i know you read mine like i read yours .. WRITE ANOTHER ONE .

i promise to make a promise (later) about how many times i write per week

so i am consistent .

so , this week :

mon : uhs people were supposed to go to wdl . they all flopped and i found out the morning of , it's not that bad , really . but .. it's just so many times high school a) makes people felt left out , i find it so sad when people are like "i'm not invited" but THEY are sad , you have better things to do with your time , love ; like finding out who you are and b) is very unreliable . so many people i am now scared of rejection , not because of my pride (for once) but because of our friendship . how dear of you to do without reason . and the sad thing is i love them all so i cannot be angry . i can only be angry for all of us foolish children .

tues : so i made a bad judgement and went to wdl instead of the beach with DE&P . but then again , sometimes i just do things to fill my life , instead of enriching it . i liked that wdl day , nat is easy to talk with (thank you) and evangel & kevhung yayaya . i suddenly realize that we might as well be strangers , for all we know about each other ; i don't even know your favourite colour ! how sad is that ?! I AM SO SAD !

wed : prereg day , saw so many high school friends .. kinda crazy now that i think about it . i LIVE with these people day to day and i care about them only a little . they have not endeared themselves to my heart . i actually enjoy spending time with them , i think because i don't need them . i depend too much on some people that let me down unintentionally (not talking to you , if you think it is) . they don't know that they are going away . don't leave ? or maybe it's best you do . banquet - i must say - sucked . dressing up with the girls was SO FUN , oh maaaan .

thurs : today .

i say this with love : some people need to grow , i  urge you . i need to grow , i urge myself . this year i will study harder not because i want good grades but because i want to GROW i want to LEARN i want to BE THE BEST i can be i want to REACH MY LIMITS i want to see the FACE of GOD in my friends i want to say things i MEAN i will NOT FLATTER , keep me to my promise , i will NOT waste more time and if i do then i will know and i will STOP and i will NOT WILL NOT stop seeking God . i'm sorry God , i barely know you . and you know all of me , i find my love for you is never enough , but any light will dissipate darkness .

how strange , i am laying my thoughts for the internet .

ps : maybe no one really wants to talk (to you)

i heard God last night in the crickets

OH MY GOODNESS I CAN'T BELIEVE I FORGOT THIS

last night after banquet my ears were ringing

and i was so scared and so so sad because

in this soundless voice my heart could easily shut God out

classic crime says : i've got the coldest heart

wow , and i thought i did . i have so much more to do !

i will try and try in vain and turn to God

to make me the "christian" on the out and not just the in

because i do not want to shame your name again and again .

i miss you even tho you are here