Arts Cafe

I spent the entire day with Erika, which was entirely wonderful, and when we got to church there were so many people for her to meet, and for me to meet, and to make welcome and to introduce and to tell stories to: it was busy and crazy and actually I enjoyed myself immensely (many times, these things make me feel lonely but I did not! This is happening the more I am myself, which is happening a little at a time - a growing and embarrassing process).

Usually when we are at these type of Coffeehouses or Art Cafes, I am constantly (worrying and) thinking about what other people are thinking about. And I'm looking at people's faces and guessing at what they are thinking, who is sleeping, why are they sleeping, why are they not being touched, why do they not completely and utterly relate to that sharing that reflects their life, blah blah blah.

Tonight, I went in and made sure to keep focused my self. Because, the only soul I have control of is my own (and even that is subject to the pulls and pushes of the impossible to resist and terribly beautiful God). So, I calmed my heart with the help of the thought of God, and was able to focus.

When I narrowed my mind to the voice of God, this is what I heard, "Why are you striving these days? Why are you trying to earn grace? Why are you crying, let me lift up your face, just don't turn away. Why are you looking for love? Why are you searching, as if I'm not enough? To where will you run child, tell me, where will you run? To where will you run. I'll be by your side, wherever you fall. In the dead of night, whenever you call. And please don't fight these hands that are holding you, my hands are holding you." Isn't that the most amazing thing: God spoke directly to me. He knew I needed this song when I did not know I needed this song, when I was hoping each song would reach someone this song turned to me and kissed me on the forehead and said, "Dear child."

Lately, I've been trying to earn grace and then realizing I've been trying and then trying to not try and then trying too hard and then finally, losing sight of the One I was first trying for. I realize I have an irrational and dishonest fear of not having enough time. I am trying too hard to be a good Christian, to walk in God's ways when I do not even know enough about him to fall in constant - constant! - love with him. I am afraid I do not have enough time to know him, so I am skipping all the steps of a real and tangible relationship for the end without the mean: and what is the end of the race without all the steps behind?

God has cleared up so many of my doubts and invisible fears tonight, and I am excited to begin again, and again, and again with Him. This is so amazing, just when I got stuck in a rut where I did not know where to turn He made me look up and pointed to me a road I know I must head.

All the past roads were necessary, as is this one: to get to know Him, to know Him and allow myself to realize how much He knows me. To relate to Him and learn to love him.

YES! Another reason to pick up from 1st Samuel where I left disheartened last week. Look out, King David. Evelyn is revived! RAWR!