i went on a date

i went on a date

with myself.

yesterday, i promised that i wouldn't turn on the computer

and i broke my own promise because i needed to find a bus route.

so,

i went to ymca by myself by viva.

i was having a bad time connecting to myself/God that morning,

so i just said, hey, i'll just go and calm myself down.

on the way there, i saw an asian lemonade juice box,

and i was going to walk by it, and then i was like HEY!

i will not stand for this! and i picked it up (cold, ouch!)

and walked through a gargantuan pile of snow to the garbage can,

and walked through a different gargantuan pile of snow back.

i looked like i peed on my pants while they were down,

but it's okay because they were my black jeans (yes, i wear them everyday).

after ymca, i used the same bus ticket

(wow, i didn't spend so long there... but it felt good nonetheless!)

to go and find some black duct tape for my bootsies.

it was very cold outside, and walking to home depot was hard.

but the parking lot was empty-

(except for a white van... ooh let me label it with the stereotype 'sketchy')

-and i wanted to dance!

but my ears were falling off so i did not,

next time i will.

i did not find my duct tape, but i found other things.

but they are a secret, for secret reasons and secretive purposes.

it was good to spend this time for myself,

because the next few days are going to be people-fied.

aloneness never felt so good.

anyways, i hope you get to be alone everyday!

it's great! but real aloneness, none of that nonsense loneliness.

love, Ev.

ps) my post was kind of 'boring' but i haven't really

blogged about my life in a long time, so i am learning again.

you can do it, cherie!

my dear cherie,

i want to say:

YOU CAN DO IT, BABY!

yes, i know, piano is just so stressful

it is so hard to practice those hours everyday

and it is harder and fingers are getting more tired

as the day approaches (TWO DAYS!)

and even though it's going to be a bit nerve racking,

it's going to be a bit pulse-racing,

i want to say:

YOU CAN DO IT, MON AMI(E)!

^with your hairy chest, i'm not sure if i should put in the E.

but, please know, piano is also a blessing from God,

it is something that you can do, something others

have never touched, something people 50 years old

wished they learned. piano is fun sometimes, no?

and though exams isn't fun,

i want to say:

YOU CAN DO IT, LUU GWOR SHIN!

and, know that, i've been praying for you a lot,

at first, i prayed that you would get a good mark,

but afterwards (don't hate me) i prayed that you would

just enjoy it, get an understanding examiner,

play it for something bigger than you, be able to be disciplined.

and that you would be happy with EVERYTHING,

not just that it's over, but that you gave your best

(everything that is past is your best now)

and you'll be satisfied even if the actual exam day

doesn't work our that well.

anyways, one more time:

YOU. CAN. SO. FREAKIN'. DO. IT!

plus, afterwards you get to hang out with me

and we get to watch hours of your favourite show,

and bake some MILK CALENDAR products that WON'T TURN OUT LIKE CRAP.

but for now,

cheers to life after piano!

look to God.

phil4:13 i can do all things in Christ who gives me strength.

i used this verse to keep me going when i was the weakest

i gave this verse to zoe when she was SO nervous for skating,

and now it's for you! take it!

I CAN DO ALL THINGS IN CHRIST WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH.

until later,

always, Big Bright Horse with the AWESOME GLASSES

ps) i only do embarassing things at school when you're around...

- falling in the three-ended hallway

- falling on the stairs because i was blind

- WHOA BUDDY!

pps) i miss you! our date better work. what date? we didn't plan it (:D) so it better work.

today was a bit rocky

GOOD MORNING,

SNOWY BANKS & STUDY BOOKS

this morning, i was in touch with reality.

i was grounded, and i was light,

like i could be lifted by a breathe.

i get this feeling what i am disciplined

and when my elbows don't ache.

LAST NIGHT,

BROWN CUSHIONS & GREY'S ANATOMY

yesterday,

i was talking to a close friend.

her life is very, very broken.

she was back with someone who hinders her growth,

she talked about clothes like it was a part of her identity,

she talked about music as a saviour from the silence.

i was in such pain watching this,

and everytime i wanted to say something,

i didn't

because it was not for me to say anything,

but just listen.

i cried to God, please save my dear friend!

i do not know what to do! i was aching:

i want her to have life to the full;

in touch with reality,

in touch with her identity,

in touch with God.

but, God's timing is perfect,

he really knows who we are and what we need.

this morning, my devotion was

"The LORD shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace."

yes, i may cry. yes, i shall pray!

but it is HE who will fight, not i,

and i shall hold my peace.

AFTERNOON,

THEY HATIN' ON THE 80s

i had such a great anthropology exam;

studying was fun! i learned a lot of things,

i was just reading and wikipedia-ing everything,

and coming up with random things like:

THE DEVIL'S SWIMMING POOL (search it up, i want to go)

i found glasses in the basement,

and i wore them, but no one really liked them.

i didn't really care, because i liked them.

how wonderful life is, to find glasses like these.

i hope you see this evangel.

TONIGHT,

I CAME UP IN ASHES AND BLOOMED.

tonight was very bad for me,

i could not help but judge,

but i am not better, and if i point fingers,

then i point fingers at God who sent him.

i am much less than him if we count works and years,

much, much less.

i prayed that my pride would not take a hold of me,

that it wouldn't become a foothold for the devil,

so God took me down so i could look up to him.

all my conversations were useless

and a little fake, and i just wanted to be alone.

so i did go off by myself, but people came

and i didn't really mind. it's just,

hopefully people understand my being alone,

doesn't mean i'm lonely.

and sometimes, there's no need to come.

and sometimes, there is.

it's up for discernment or guesses.

having a reltaionship with God is so good!

you can touch base with the Light of the World

at anytime! all the time! i am still a baby,

and am not able to do that.

growing is touch, the process if hard, but so, so beautiful.

then i was afraid of satan,

that he would attack God through me through the ones i love.

but God told me, three hundred and 65 times:

Do Not Be Afraid. and oh, fear of the Lord

is so great! we can face anything in the world.

HOME,

THE RISING SUN

coming home,

something bad happened,

so then i cried.

i webcammed with my parents,

who are down in panama,

and i told them i just wanted a hug,

and a kiss, and look!

i understand why messengers do what they do,

i don't feel angry, i just want these games to end.

HOME,

MAYBE, SHAME NOT

i meant my 'sorry', but that's okay.

guess i need to mean my words to gain

more trust around the world.

someone encouraged me all through exams

and becoming fully human... he is an angel

i guess he knows how to be a 'gentleman'

and we won't connect on a deeper level,

(mentality & thinking process is so different)

but that's good: i don't think, i know.

what a lovely friend!

GOODBYE,

I HOPE YOU SEE THIS EVANGEL, YOU HATER

beautiful & burned

we are made like this for a reason;

your eyelashes, your kneecaps, your liver.

you are as beautiful as you are ever beautiful.

(saira liaqat; just like us.)

victoria (P12)

(what i felt before. now, it is just a chilly wind.

for all those people i left behind: i saw your pictures.)

Sun shades the dock end, rocking seagull-skies
Reflection of the blooming, Killers call goodbye
Breathe in the salt air, and hum, hum a sigh
This is the where-who, this is my—

Molten dappled sun, stripes and rings on my wall
Half winking windows, cry but naught fall
Breathe in the gold air, and lazily call
This is the where-so, this is my—

Stand on the hill-top, glancing red fallings
Fence white, now not, perch the grey Kings
Breathe in the crisp air, and wing-softly sing
This is the where-why, this is my—

Naked brown branches, stand proudly high
Lungs of the white, as hard as you try,
Cannot hold back, in the icy air cry
Sweet, sweet home; you forever are mine.

please

be all i need

remind me everyday:

i am free; you are everything.

war is now

we can't downplay things:

every decision is for God or for sin

what are you doing? why are you sleeping? why are you walking away?

these are the invisible battles

the cannons have roared

the guns have rang out

the stones are marching

the Infinite is here; your choice is now

young galaxy (8)

two favourite songs so far:

1 come and see, fall to your knees

2 dailed your number, you blocked my call, your back is my wailing wall.

gorgeous mellow sound, very simple but profound;

indie pop/dream pop group from montreal (began in vancouver but moved);

easy to sing to, emotion ridden, you can sing this in the shower,

dance to it in flashing lights, lie on stars.

good find from s.iun.

softball

let's all move.

NOTW

it's hard to stay connected

the culture of school is overwhelming

complaints, gossip, clothes, marks, complaints

must be: NOTW.

--

kind of ironic, for bfh article

on anarchy & critical theory:

"remember: we are of this world."

and that is exactly how i do not want to live.

i mean, within the context of this society, anarchy makes sense...

but when you're an alien, stranger, foreign, peculiar:

things are much clearer within four, or six, walls.

--

really don't want to blog about this right now.

books: blindness & seeing

these books are written with such sophistication and clarity of thought, depicting chaos and confusion, disasters both physical, psychological and political, that draws you into specific details and small nuances which paint an entire canvas of the wretched and beautiful species that is humanity. it shows both the cold hearted and warm blooded side of people, with gorgeous vocabulary sings the reasoning and logic and the illogic of choices people make when faced with desperation. these books show the physical and political (power?) decay that comes with blindness, with an inability to see your surroundings and thusly the ineptitude to properly enhance it, help it grow, make it better.

no more excuses

why do we do the things we do?

succumbing to the stupidities of our generation,

we don't seem very different;

we think there is a middle ground of Christianity,

but there isn't, and calling yourself one and not living like one

is even worse than saying 'screw Christianity' and living that

because at least they aren't lying to everyone, God, themselves

there is no middle ground, but that is what the other side is disguised as

lukewarmness, disgusts God, this skin that drapes over us

for so long i have lived like this, actually lying to myself

trying to convince myself i am okay, i am doing right, i am good

and when i got close to acknowledging the full-fledged utter crap that was myself

i would shut it down, shun it as obscene, where, in reality

my lies were obscene; atrocious, lascivious, vile;

they did not seem like lies, rather, like omissions of thought and feeling

which were boring, sloth-like, and apathetic: making them what they were: disgusting;

God's timing is ALWAYS the best, and his opinions(?) matter the MOST

what value is there is how others look at us,

what small rewards we gain from someone else's jealous eyes,

small trinkets, childhood toys, marred by the temporal pulls of finite life;

we have been conditioned, told, pressured to care

about these vile, vain, valueless things like clothes and hair

these things all go away with a flurry of movement and wisp of smoke

these things DO NOT MATTER,

we need to start living like we are infinite because our life has BEGUN!

oh boys and girls, why do we look upon vulgarities?

last night when we were watching youtube videos, and we were laughing at this one where a black man is killing a praying-mantis/spider, and swearing insanely: why are we taking joy in something that is embarrassing in front of the Lord? we would never show this in church and we would never show this to God. i felt stupid, God was asking why didn't you stop it and do something constructive, loving, beautiful and not waste TIME and ENERGY and laughter - which is beautiful and created by one who loves to laugh, smile, enjoy, delight in, etcetera - on this? sometimes, i ask too many questions, "why, how, what?" and should just do it when i am urged to. sorry, sorry i am helpless and yet you have given me so many things to use, i have no tools; i say this when i am well equipped for every good work;

i thank God for rescuing me from the clutches of myself,

or of what this world has instilled in me and what i call my 'identity'

i was lost but now am found, and need to be found daily

he said Follow Me and now he says Everyday

and i want to take up this burden which is freedom

and be with him always,

public prayer sometimes bothers me

because it seems, sometimes, we aren't even talking to God;

thank you God for rescuing me from my smart words

and humbling me, making me small, stupid, weak when i was proud:

pride is a huge problem for me,

God has given me so much to take pride in,

but rather than giving it up to the skies which are his hands, his work, his art

i take them in, greedily, for myself and take them as my own chains

and thus they hold me;

only this YhWy that we can even call

(WE CAN TALK TO GOD, WHAT?! WE CAN TALK TO HIM?!)

can make our weaknesses something to show

the worst, most disgusting parts of our body

we give special honor;

only today have i accepted

that i will love my baby of the future

love the people that i do not want to associate with

because to be crippled is to be crowned

and the lame are to be given a higher standing;

i just want to praise GOD

because in this broken world

he is still GOD,

he is alive!

and oh i am living with him,

i praise you,

Lord thank you for my brother who just showed me a hilarious picture of nickelback

i praise you,

Lord give me the strength to praise you in weariness and weakness

and trouble and toil and dirt and quicksand(?) and darkness

let me praise you with my life

take my heart it is yours

forever, because you hold that

and this and everything

please take these people i love so much

and keep them alive to fulfill their work, reason, Will,

i am afraid they will not fully be alive;

You are perfect where we are not,

TAKE IT ALL! PLEASE! JUST TAKE ME!

Amen.