New blog @ EvelynMak.posterous.com

Moved

2010-08-15T19:32:00.002-04:00

http://evelynmak.posterous.com

My Utmost for His Highest

2010-06-26T17:11:00.001-04:00

I've been using "My Utmost for His Highest" as a devotional since the beginning of 2010, and God's been using it to challenge and encourage me everyday. I remember when I first read it, I wanted to put it down because look what Oswald Chamber says on January 1:

"My Utmost for His Highest. 'My eager desire and hope being that I may never feel ashamed.' We shall all feel very much ashamed if we do not yield to Jesus on the point He has asked us to yield to Him."

In my heart, in the ugliest shame, I started thinking and holding tightly to all the things I didn't want to let go of, afraid of God asking them from me and hoping that I can still live without thinking about this idea that I have to actually sacrifice in this relationship with Christ...

"God's order has to work up to a crisis in our lives because we will not heed the gentler way. He brings us to the place where He asks us to be out utmost for Him, and we begin to debate; then He produces a providential crisis where we have to decide-for or against, and from that point the 'Great Divide' begins."

I was so wrapped up in fear and the holding on to selfishness, I missed the truth in this. Really, praise God for the crises he has put in my life this year. Somehow, in drawing me closer he has extended my capacity for receiving his grace to let go of the things he tells me to yield to him. At first, I thought that God would take everything good from my life if I said "yes" but that is not what he has done (we all think so wrongly of God, how much it must hurt him). What he has done is, when in my fear and reluctance to trust him became blind and deaf and hardened of heart, bring about a crisis that forces me to choose. But, up until that crisis, he has given me every single thing I needed in order to trust him in all he is (faith) and let go of self (humility) to say "yes" in that moment.

God really gives us everything we need to be his children and to follow him.
His ways are above our ways.

-

Goodness, I have too much to write! I wanted to write about an entirely different subject (grace)... oh well. I stopped writing for a while because I thought too much about what other people (i.e. the readers, whoever you are :P) would think - well, not about sounding good but being useful. (I have an ungodly desire for feeling useful/being needed AKA being God to other people, but there has been large improvements made by the Great Architect in this matter of heart.) But, if we look to Christ, he will use us every minute of our lives to glorify his name.

Hopefully I will have a chance to articulate more of what I am learning in my soul a little while later, as I have to prepare for my short term missions trip (to China! Wuhan and Shenzhen) by packing and making prototypes of the crafts we will be teaching the kids there.

Much love,
Evelyn.

P.s. How ironic, I am at home alone while my family is at my church's family camp. Thanks family, going to FAMILY CAMP without me >:(. Haha, I really hope they have a blessed bonding time though.

P.p.s. I have a hard time deciding whether to italicize quotes or not, because I have a tendency on the internet to skim over quotes that are italicized. I am not sure if this is true for all people.

P.p.p.s. It's already 5pm but it feels like my day has just started! What a beautiful afternoon, I enjoyed the fresh smell of summer rain, sat at the feet of Jesus and listened and talked with him about some stuff I've been struggling with, vacuumed and washed mirrors and moved more stuff out of my room (my brother's taking over it and remodeling it over the summer since I'm going off to U of Waterloo next year), talked on the phone a bit with A, and now here. I am here, how beautiful life is.

Don't Waste Your Life

2010-06-18T22:28:00.007-04:00

Everywhere I turn: "Don't waste your life."

To live is Christ and to die is gain.
What does that mean in my life?
What does that mean in your life?

Hope in the Wastelands

2010-06-17T23:08:00.002-04:00

"Behold, I am doing a new thing;
now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the desert."
(Isaiah 43:19, ESV)

Oh... do you see this vision? Isaiah 55.

"Thus says the Lord GOD to these bones: Behold, I will cause breath to enter you, and you shall live. And I will lay sinews upon you, and will cause flesh to come upon you, and cover you with skin, and put breath in you, and you shall live, and you shall know that I am the LORD."
(Ezekiel 37:5-6)

There is a hope for new life
He fills our empty frames with His Spirit!
But don't hope without action - live in this hope.
Live everyday knowing that you will never be put to shame (those who trust in the Lord)
And act on this hope: ask God for a heart for Him and His people, and then dig into the Word, into His heart, knowing that He is already doing His work in you.
Focus on the task of obeying every time He calls, and you will hear Him more and more.
Focus on the daily task of laying down self and taking up the cross and you will find life,
Life to the full.

There is always more to learn! Always more to drink!
Infinite and intimate is our God.

Pray

2010-06-17T18:09:00.000-04:00

Father,

I ask for a heart for your people,
And eyes that seek you alone.

I am so inconsistent: with prayer, with reading the bible, obeying you...
I am tired of being half-hearted about life.

I am hopeful for today, for tomorrow, for my whole life, because:
"I spread out my hands all the day to a rebellious people."
(Isaiah 65:2, ESV)

In Jesus' name, I ask for my own heart,
Amen.

Great Love

2010-05-17T22:35:00.001-04:00

God will never turn his back on you, do you know why?

Christ died for you while you were at your worst and gave you life. Read that again: But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8) Don't underestimate God's love: His love is greater than any sin we can commit... and it is by His grace (and not by works) that we are loved. God's love is greater than sin, than distance, than highs and lows; nothing can separate us from His love and He is always with us.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
       Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
       if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
       if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
       your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
       and the light become night around me
(Psalm 139:7-11)

Do you hear that? Where can we go where God will not be with us? When we are "good" He is with us, but listen, even when you think your darkness (sin, or whatever else) hides you, He still sees you: His light overcomes all darkness.

This was a lie I lived under for a very long time. I mean, I knew it wasn't true in my head, but I acted like it was truth: that God would desert us if we were bad, if we didn't spend enough time with him, but you know what? I actually... didn't have enough faith: I thought that my sin or not doing devos enough or (fill in blank) would push God away... or I felt that I had to "go to a certain place spiritually" in order to find Him, but NO he finds us AS WE ARE. And now I am free! Even as I sin, I don't have to hide in the guilt of the sin because I can go to Him right away and ask for help to change, ask to be changed. God knows, He knows! Don't hide because you can't. Be brave, allow light to reveal who you are and who God is.

I encourage you to read Psalm 139...
It changed my life.

Just Say Yes

2010-04-29T18:37:00.000-04:00

God is working everyday...
Ever since I started praying for my family...
Through prayer God changes us and works - reveals it to us.

Last night I was praying for brothers and sisters, writing it down, and then for my brother
But the words for those brothers and sisters outnumbered by far the words for Josh
I was so, so sorry because how much my heart has not been with my family even though I love them-
How is it I don't know what to pray for? That I don't know him? Don't see him?

At that moment I felt the need, an urge, to talk to my brother
I was in the middle of my devo, "Uh... should I go now, or later?"
I was wondering if that was just because I was feeling guilty for not knowing Josh well,
Or if it was really from God: I sat there wondering but really felt the push
It came into my head that I was praying to know Josh more-
And here was the call!

I stood to go, felt the need to get my Bible and picked it up,
Wondering what was going to happen- was I going to have a BS with him?
It's been something I've been praying about- to fellowship with my brother.

His door was closed, so I knocked and asked if I could go in:
"Why?" and I was completely blank I just expected him to say "Come in"
So I said, "Uh... I don't know... Uh... just to... uh... talk...?"
And he said... "No." I was shocked- and a little hurt. I turned to go, saying "I did my job" in my heart

But I felt very clearly God was like, "Turn around. Do it again. Let him know you are there:"
WHY I feel so embarrassed he already said no, I look so dumb, I feel so dumb...
But ah, whatever is it about me? I guess not:
I knocked again and told him that I was available if he wasn't going to sleep.
Immediately I felt peace, instead of "I did MY job"
It was: God will take this small offering and let it go somewhere...

I went downstairs to eat fruit with my parents
And since I was holding my Bible anyways (darn God I really wanted to do a BS with Josh...), I just brought it with me
When I sat down, I felt a need to read the Bible with them
So I just opened up the Bible, asked, "Can I read?" ("Sure")
And after reading Psalm 139, I shared about how this chapter changes my life everyday
Ended up sharing about my own walk and everyday spiritual struggles
For a long time... we were blessed and my parents shared a little as well.

Afterward (already, this was such a blessing!)
This led to a good talk with my dad about my brother,
And also about an important lesson that I've been encountering everywhere:
To believe in GOD and not our convictions about or from God...
(see Genesis 22 - Abraham Tested)

One thing I struggle with a lot is being legalistic about my devotions and my faith...
Some days, I can sit on the floor with my Bible and read and pray for hours,
But other days I kind of force myself onto that "level"...
And I realized, while talking to my dad, that instead of leading my towards God,
This legalism is something that (at times) makes me fear going to God
Some days it is good to have that, but other days is it good to just have silence,
Or to be light, or to just listen, or to sing- God says rejoice always but this legalism of mine
Has hindered me from joy, my forced passion- I always end up in tears trying to get over this block
I didn't KNOW what the block was until last night when God revealed that part of my heart as Pharisaic

Not only in devotions- but in my attitude towards God.
I have been listening to the devil's lies:
(This is from My Utmost For His Highest)
That God would ask a woman for her son because she loves him too much...
This is NOT God's nature-
(This is from a talk by Jon Acuff, Stuff Christians Like's author)
That we must always give things to him like it is a chore
Like at a retreat the pastor, on the Saturday night where everyone feels very spiritual,
Will ask the people: God is asking for something in your life tonight! What is it you will give him?!
And we ask ourselves, "Hm... what can I give God, what can I give God..." and we go through our list
And "Ah! My boyfriend!"
That sounds dumb :) but for me it's like that... in my heart,
I see him as a demanding God, a jealous (in the human sense) God

But... no, Psalm 139: God knows me.
And everywhere: God loves me.
I must hold on to these truths-
To have faith in God and not in our convictions, even if they are from him-
(Again, see Gen 22... Abraham acted out of faith in God,
and not faith in his convictions or else he would have followed through
We must act out of faith in God
Or else we will become religious fanatics
And God isn't a God of religious fanatics- he is a God of freedom)

A week ago, I would have never been able to do these things,
To persevere in letting my brother know I am here and I love him
To make myself so vulnerable to my parents (sharing about my restruggles is never easy)

It was grace through faith:
God teaches us lessons- and these lessons always have a life- in your heart or in your hands
He asks of us what he has equipped us to do but which will still stretch us:
Sometimes the smallest, most mundane, ordinary things
And sometimes the craziest, most explosive things-

Whatever it is, just say yes, and just see how far God can take you with the smallest ounce of faith

Habits of the Soul

2010-04-15T21:54:00.000-04:00

"After each failure, ask forgiveness, pick yourself up, and try again. Very often what God first helps us towards is not the virtue itself but just this power of always trying again. For however important [the virtue] may be, this process trains us in habits of the soul which are more important still. It cures our illusions about ourselves and teaches us to depend on God. We learn, on the one hand, that we cannot trust ourselves even in our best moments, and, on the other, that we need not despair even in our worst, for our failures are forgiven. The only fatal thing is to sit down content with anything less than perfection."
- C. S. Lewis

And, Psalm 139. Listen.

Remind yourself of His promises.

Come Awake!

2010-04-01T21:36:00.000-04:00

Matt Maher, Christ is Risen.
Please listen to the chorus. Do you know what this means?!
Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake! Come awake!

I am learning more about how God has formed me; He gives us everything we need! This is a constant theme in my life, that He gives at His perfect time (perhaps He is preparing me for a long waiting later, when I will have to turn back and remember how He has provided now). My entire life... He gives blessings at the exact time when I am ready to receive in order to give them back. For example, I am still very prideful, but He has taught me that all my gifts, my talents? They are from Him, and are for Him and through Him. When I realized this: I was set free! I used to be bound by pride and guilt: prideful about my talents, guilt at the pride, so I would try to be "modest" (different from being humble) and I didn't know how to deal with the gift so I would rather not use it. But now... I am learning to use them as ways to worship Him and love others! How amazing! I am set free because I can enjoy my own gifts and talents, just as I would enjoy anyone else's gifts and talents realizing they are from Him and not because of me, who I am or anything I did.

Come awake! Come awake!
Are you sleeping? Do you know that there is more, so much more?
Do you know that if you try to keep your life, you will lose it?

To someone who left a comment about "just walking" many times and not being picked up:
I need to say sorry, (I am so sorry! Please read that again) because when I wrote "He will not pick you up from the ground, no, He will help you up as you overcome, you must start walking (faith) and He will lift you (grace) and you will fly..." I don't think I wrote it correctly. I read it in My Utmost For His Highest and I thought it made sense and sounded good, but I think it is misleading. I think it's more like this: Luke 5:17-26.

Full

2010-03-30T01:48:00.000-04:00

Both my head and my heart are so full
I am feeling kind of unsettled right now
But at the same time... hopeful

So much I want to write,
So much I need to remember
And need to share

This week has been so... hectic
Every night up too late, every day too tired
I was going to say "I can't wait for this week to be over"
But that mind set is dumb: every day is a gift!

"His mercies begin afresh each morning"

That's My King

2010-03-10T18:35:00.002-05:00

I just sent this video (That's My King) to my best friend and her response is overwhelming! Her awe reminds me of my own awe, her joy of my own joy, her faith of my own faith. It's just what I needed to keep on going... so many things to say about my king- words that barely describe him already put me in silence.

I've been avoiding the monologues-I've been sitting on the computer doing everything else. I've been eating grapes, talking on the phone, asking help for the monologues, getting ideas for the monologues, talking about the monologues but not actually doing them.

"I think I'm avoiding monologues... I guess I am scared God won't provide..." and do you know what she said? "GOD IS A PROVIDER, HE ALWAYS PROVIDE." What I need to do is: just believe. This is where I stop thinking abstractly about faith and live it out. Step one- just start. He will not pick you up from the ground, no, He will help you up as you overcome, you must start walking (faith) and He will lift you (grace) and you will fly...

P.s. God remembers us and who we are! He sends angels...

Uninspired

2010-03-09T19:21:00.000-05:00

I am to write four monologues but right now I am feeling tired and uninspired.
I am thinking more about how good they will be ("Oh Evelyn! You are so good at writing monologues!") and wanting them to make an emotional impact ("Oh that monologue really touched me! Look! I am crying! What a good monologue!") instead of doing it for God or doing it because I love it.

Right now I can't connect to the characters: the prodigal son as he leaves, as he comes back; a person dealing with who God is; a person dealing with social inequities.

My mom just came back and I told her about it and she said, "Yep pray to God that you stop thinking about yourself." I hate it! I wish I wouldn't and I could just fly into what I like to do... I mean, I like writing. Goodness.

I think I'm so good at it and when I don't think about being good, I actually am (all praises to God because obviously I don't have the actual skill by myself as you can see now), but as soon as I want it to be good it fails. IT IS FAILING. FAILING I SAY! FAILING! I could write a song. Or... a monologue! Too bad there is no monologue "about a girl who fails."

I need to take a breather from the monologues. I've been sitting here faithless for too long.

P.s. now this is a good monologue. I'm reading over other monologues and they are so professionally and well written- it makes it so much fun to act because of all the layers, realizations, you can see the thoughts that are unwritten... anyways I guess I will just be level one. I'm okay with level one. I just want to finish... but finish having loved doing it.
P.p.s. perhaps I should leave it for today... there is still tomorrow. Maybe I will watch a movie. Or do some research for these monologues... I don't know. What should I do, God? Okay, fine, research it is.

Just Believe

2010-03-07T22:12:00.000-05:00

"Don't be afraid; just believe"
Mark 5:36b

It is the most terrible thing: to just believe

That means we have to let go
Of everything; of our own ideas and plans,
Our own understanding of how the world works,
Of fear

That means we have to stop worrying,
That means we have to live in victory though we don't see it yet-
We know it already happened
And is happening every moment

That means we have to be ready to be moved-
To let God pull you out of wherever you are,
Not because you are not doing a good job,
But because you are starting to rely on yourself

That means we have to be ready to not be moved-
Sometimes we are without vision and without audience,
We don't know what to do, how to serve
And we have to get down to the unglorious task of the 'mundane'

But remember John 13, and remember how
After Jesus became flesh our bodies forever became temples
And after Jesus served
The least forever became blessed

Thoughts Right Now...

2010-03-01T21:51:00.000-05:00

I am so distracted by thoughts of retreat and also a recent testimony by my parents...
I am so amazed by God!

Over the mountains and the sea,
Your river runs with love for me
And I will open up my heart
And let the healer set me free...

I am actually enjoying homework right now-
I am too tired to give myself pressure and instead I am learning
Thank you God, my math test is postponed which relieves my burden
And reminds me that you are even in the smallest things

Life is so miraculous!
We fight chaos everyday, we take things for granted-
I never realized how much I accept what I know (language, my body) as all there is to know... but there is so much to learn, a vast expanse of more and more and more we will never be bored- but this works only if we actively seek it, seek joy...

I want to write about retreat SO badly because I want to remember everything
I want to cherish all these moments- mealtime conversations that warmed my heart and playing word games that really brought people together- God works everywhere. One of the biggest lessons I learned was this, "I am speaking to you, my child." Even his silence overflows...

BUT I must use my time wisely, and anything I need to write God will bring it to my mind
So, off to the wonderful world of biology.

I hate how in school, we get lost in the boredom of it and lose the fun...
I realize that I always want to reform the way we learn so we know why we need to know this and actually engage in learning instead of being so passive... I read about schools around GTA that are unconventional and my heart soars that this is real... I always think of jobs as for money, but I just ask that I have a job because I love it and know why I am doing it and that I am making a difference.

Today was so brilliant! My dinner was so, so delicious; the morning was calming...
I want to learn to love my school friends more and see them as God sees them. My love for them is so limited, many times I feel like I can't relate to them and everything is shallow-
But there is hope because God is alive.

I realized that I've been trying to reason that God exists and is good,
But really that is not my job: He will prove it himself as I follow Him...
I want my life to be used well! That is- my days to be used well.
Sometimes we forget- our lives are made up of our days...

What is "osteopathy"? GOOD QUESTION!
Now go do your homework, Evelyn, so you can find out...
God, I have so many things I want to do this week and weekend,
And all of them are for my own benefit/enjoyment...
So... yeah.

OKAY, BYE! Goodness gracious, Evelyn, leave now!

(...Okay).

Retreat

2010-02-28T19:10:00.001-05:00

Since when did I have "21 followers"? This is so strange... I don't know, I feel like this blog might only make sense to people who know me. But if you do read this (and do or don't know me personally), then I hope you guys are blessed!

-

I just came back from fellowship retreat, and of course, of course: we don't want to leave and we just want to stay there forever. But I guess what we need to work on is instead of waiting for retreat every year, we should bring retreat into our lives...

Every year is a fresh and amazing experience and I guess I regret not writing about them before because I miss out on hindsight that memory sometimes trips us up on... So, I would really like to write down what touched me and helped me grow this retreat, but I have a lot of homework, so I will write about this later! I am excited to go through it again (in my mind) and also to see what I might have missed while living it.

Responsibility calls!
Love, Ev.

Given

2010-02-23T23:16:00.000-05:00

We are given what we need

24 hours is enough for our work

There is a reason I have been allowed to wake up alive today

Everything else and just everything at all: God takes care

Silly Things

2010-02-22T22:10:00.001-05:00

Life is layers upon layers,
I wish I could have put this in my previous post but it was so incongruous:
I had a good weekend.

My friend told me if you fart upside down it hurts,
The strange thing is, when I tell people this, they tell me it doesn't...
Now, please enlighten me, how on earth would you know?!

I have a food-baby (as R calls them).

Fair's new album, Disappearing World, has eaten my heart!
So many details... every time I listen it is new again.

Fear/Love/Hurt

2010-02-22T21:59:00.000-05:00

FEAR/PERFECT LOVE
I've been concentrating on myself a lot lately,
Focusing on fear... fear that I am doing something that is offending God,
Fear- so that I concentrate on how I walk talk think-

Perfect love drives out all fear.

Drop your fear Evelyn,
Trust God, lay it at the cross,
And live in love.
I haven't done something just because I loved God
in a long, long time.

We have been called friends, sons and daughters,
And we do our work no longer out of duty (and fear) but out of love.
I need to stop thinking about it and go do it-
If we are in love with someone, we don't dream about them all day,
We call them, go out and eat lunch with them, do things for them.

I have been avoiding devotions out of fear.
Now that, my friends, is stupidity. My fear is holding back my love,
So I ask for help to build up my love higher than my fear...
And I refuse to stand by and not do anything waiting for my heart to magically change;
Instead I will do the job and- miracles!- I will be changed as I overcome.

HURT
There is a lot of hurt around me and I have not noticed,
What is there to say? I wish I could paint comfort, or sing it...
It is good to have a daily time to forget about myself.

Down

2010-02-09T22:33:00.000-05:00

Tired, a little down...

I think I'm moving too fast and not getting enough rest to appreciate what is beautiful (and what is God) in all these ordinary things around me.

God will take care.

Amazing Grace

2010-02-04T23:27:00.001-05:00

How many times have I sung "Amazing Grace" and not even realized in the slightest the gravity of the sweet word... How little I know and understand grace, but how overwhelming it is.

How many times do I wake up to my family, go to school, go to church and think only about myself... No wonder life is so frustrating, you reap nothing when you walk around thinking about your own expectations, instead of seeing through God's eyes and trusting in His hands. How empty, when you think about what you are going to get out of today, instead of what you can do to bless others.

How many times do I go through an entire day and not even remember once about Jesus' love on the Cross. I break my own heart- my forgetful mind, frightful tenacity.

How many times do I dwell on the past, worry about the future- allow Anxious Thought to cloud my mind in its sloth and vulgar murmur, that I forget to live in the present, the only place where I have Choice.

Choice. Today in English, we were talking about choice and how we have so much in our affluent industrialized western society that it in fact paralyzes us and decreases our welfare- not only that, it distracts us from the important choices in life: our attitude, our actions and words towards others, what we allow inside our heads. And the most important of all: dropping everything to follow God now.

And it all leads back to grace. We want to change ourselves so bad, to become patient with snail paced change, to learn to love in all circumstances, to learn to hope... but all we can do is choose to turn to God, choose to say Yes at that very moment, and everything else is up to grace: sweet, enduring, Amazing Grace.

What to say?

2010-01-30T17:12:00.001-05:00

What to say?
Things are read from books but learned from hands.

The greatest promise:
As they days, so shall they strength be.
Deut 33:25

The past few days, I couldn't stop singing:
"I've got a home in glory-land that outshines the sun (oh, Lordy)
I've got a home in glory-land that outshines the sun
I've got a home in glory-land that outshines the sun
Look away beyond the blue!

Do Lord, oh do Lord, oh do remember me (oh, Lordy)
Do Lord, oh do Lord, oh do remember me
Do Lord, oh do Lord, oh do remember me
Look away beyond the blue!"

And... I have nothing else to say.
God bless you!

Brother

2010-01-25T03:28:00.001-05:00

This almost doesn't make sense... why do I love you so much? (What will we do when I go? As you grow?)
This posture, minute gesticulations, these everyday expressions: they don't ever seem like much... But we understand more than we know, our hearts remember what gave it spring in the cold: caught in our fall.
You are my belly laugh, my deepest pain
May you love Christ!
Love, E.

P.s. "ohisee!"
P.p.s. But really I cannot believe I will not share the secrets of everyday with this little (big) ugly (beautiful) thing come 5 months, 5 years... He better name his children after me... He better call me everyday when I'm gone. Either or.

Studying...

2010-01-24T18:36:00.001-05:00

Day 1, Friday
Math - Ultra-productive and equally boring

Day 2, Saturday
Math - Partially productive
History - Less than sufficient, internet proved fatal, then interrupted by Simon and Edmund :(

Day 3, Sunday (Today)
History - I am far behind but it is because the more I study, the more interesting it is! (Strange, I hated studying yesterday.) Who knew that memorizing the different figures of the Scientific Revolution could prove so tantalizing: my heart is in rapture of history. History is beautiful - it is a song, only made boring by tone-deaf teachers and uninterested pupils... I wish to know everything! Ahh, if only I paid more attention, took time outside of class... school is for learning. Goodness, and we can only learn if we make a choice to. Instead of only going because we are obligated. Stupid system. Stupid students (myself included). It's about attitude, posture... I wish I would learn/remember. Anyway, back to history. HURRAY!

Your Love is a Song

2010-01-16T14:50:00.004-05:00

The past few days I've written half posts and then haven't published them.
I feel like I am learning so much- I am relearning what I 'know' in my head to be placed in my little heart, my small hands. How can I explain? Language is so limiting.

I wish to sing.

Switchfoot - Your Love is a Song

Reading

2010-01-04T16:27:00.001-05:00

A book must be the axe for the frozen sea within us.
- Kafka

Reading is powerful and painful in its property of the personal. When I read, I create my own esoteric world out of inner imaginings. This allows me to explore; allows me to freely learn, be embarrassed and ask questions because I am rarely shy around myself. Thus, reading gives much power in its potential; it frees us to look at ourselves and create without needing to be conscious of an outer other. However, in its property of personal-ness also lies pain. It reveals to us some true depth of loneliness in the consciousness of self and of our state of alienation from the anything other. In reading, sometimes the worlds created are so pregnant with poignancy and beauty that I wish to share with someone else where I have gone, but, alas!, how can I? How can anyone else experience what I experience without being me?

(An excerpt from my "Why I read, How I read, What I read" Essay: Rough Copy #3. I don't think I am going to use this paragraph in the end, but at the same time I didn't want to lose it. So here.)

Reading is truly something else. Whereas films or lullabies can stimulate the creative imaginings, it presents a world already formed to your outer senses. We all see the same screen, we hear the same notes. But in reading one is understanding- one is seeing or hearing in the mind! But in reading lies the secret: the deep, deep secret of a self created world.

"I Love Deadlines..."

2010-01-01T12:16:00.001-05:00

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
- Douglas Adams

Haha! I like this quote. That is not me, in fact I am straining to finish my ETS creative essay on "Why I read, How I read, and What I read" which is technically due Tuesday, but really can be handed in anytime before the semester ends... but for me it's due Tuesday... or Friday. We'll see.

Live fully today!
And don't forget nor neglect the sanctuary of your heart.
Love, Ev.

P.s. Let me tell you a story. So, I invited a few school friends to witness my baptism two years ago. One of them, D, is very caring and bought me a lovely 31-day devotional called "In Quietness and Confidence... a daily devotional for the making of a Godly Man." Thanks, D, thanks. He didn't realize this, of course, until I told him a few days later. And then, he didn't even offer a receipt. Actually, I was curious as to what it was about and used it this morning and learned quite a bit from it. Today was Psalm 131: the stillness of the soul. He reminded me that, when I invited God into the home of my heart, he had carved out a soundproof room that I may enter anytime and be with Christ. Something I needed.

New Year

2009-12-31T21:19:00.000-05:00

Last post before 2010!

I used to love New Years, or Mondays
And hailed them as new beginnings...
But it shouldn't be like that;
Really (for me) it was just an excuse to bleed excess the Sunday before, or in December...
It's hard to break out of that mindset of "Oh, I'll do that later"
But it should always be Now.
Love now.
Say sorry now.
Learn now.

This year is different,
I don't really have 'resolutions'
I have resolutions every morning.

I have one question:
How do we live like we will die the next day?

Happy new year!
What a fragmented post to end a year.

Love, Ev.

P.s. every year is insane. Change always catches me by surprise.

He is here

2009-12-22T18:28:00.000-05:00

SCL #634. Having "This is weird, but..." moments.

I forgot that God is great.
I forgot that He is good. That he is now. That he is here.
That He is funny. That He is kind.

Thank you God. You turn my living room into a sanctuary,
A quiet moment into one of beauty, and meaning.

Hillsong United, "Desert Song"
I will bring praise, I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice, I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

Fair Days

2009-12-21T21:54:00.000-05:00

fair, "cut down sideways"
oh, my love, don't push it like the way we used to do
even if you get far, don't go far without me; i'll never make it

The days have been good. I'm finding many beautiful moments,
It breaks my heart, the beauty of this world-
the grace of the next.

(!)

2009-12-11T01:39:00.002-05:00

Each day, every single day, "Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning" (Lam2:23).

I have been afraid to blog about it, afraid that if I wrote what I felt at that moment, I would not be consistent because the next would bring about a different joy, pain. I was afraid if I wrote that "I love God" or "I feel so distant from God" I would contradict myself, be... wrong. But, who am I kidding? Even the Psalmists, in distress from death or in joy of beauty they praised God, stood in his presence, and then wrote a poem about exactly how they felt. They were not afraid of holding back, they lashed out at God, begged God, almost bribed God, sang beautiful songs to God, praised God. Oh God, to be close to you I have to open up myself, see myself, know myself. I have been holding in every moment for so long, afraid to 'look' as something... but whatever! What. Ever! Your hand is holding me, so I will not be afraid of being open and vulnerable, anything to grow, anything to be closer, be more like You.

I am learning so much more about myself everyday, seeing my inner psyche, my inner world, seeing my flaws and beautiful spots, seeing how I am me and what I have been given is what my will will (have to) work with. I am not afraid to face myself, because God already knows... and he still loves me.

And all this is because of God's hand in my life. Everything, everything, the moments I think that are mine alone, the things I have no control over, everything God is using it to shape me, mold me, help me understand myself, my world, the world, God himself. The reason I was 'accidentally' put into Becoming Fully Human, the reason I did not drop out of Studies in Literature, the reason I was put into TC Media, the reason I am not doing WTF, the reason I am ashamed, the reason I am alive, the reason I am surrounded by the people I love and dislike; everything is leading up to the pinnacle moment of eternity: "in Him...we have our being" (Acts17:28) and from Him only can I draw eternal meaning. But should we sin to increase grace? Should I be sloth to increase meaning? No! I want to actively run, grow, change. I want my will so bad to be strong, to be brave, but in God is all good and perfect things (James1:17).

I will not be afraid to say what I mean, what I feel, what I think, what I have done right now. To show all of God's work. I hide the bad things? I don't hide them, per se, but... oh that I might show my wounds in order to show how God has worked in my life! No pain, no gain: the theology of the cross until heaven meets earth.

Down with fear! "Damn the devil" (qtd. T's 'vulgar' friend). How many times I excuse sin... I am so sorry! To God, to myself, to people I know, that I have not always been an ambassador of my Father and Saviour. That my emotional passion may weaken and still: that my inner passion of will never die. Ah, but right now I am emotional, not a spiritual high, but a realization that I was blind and now I can see: and yet I live the life of a blind man! How to help! How to do! How to be! How to love! Oh! It is hopeless, Christianity is hopeless, it is impossible it is illogical it is love and Christ is the only hope.

I want to read, I want to take a walk.
I want to pray and really listen. Really just be honest with God without being afraid I am not being correct, or good, so that I can be at peace I have shown my heart to Him (though He already knows)... this is a problem I have, I am pathetically afraid I am not being CORRECT. Childhood influences, social subconsciousness, tools of the Liar, whatever it IS I want it out of my head...

When I was reading a commentary on the Psalms, I felt so sudden a heavy hopelessness: the Psalmists experience hope and despair, in cycles over and over, and despair tenfold more than hope. How can I survive such despair? Loneliness? Abandonment? Rejection? How can I fully taste the sweetness of joy when I know there it is, despair. But there is so much hope, there is hope in Christ.

I want to be available. Now. Now is the key, I cannot decide to be available for later, I can only decide to be available for now. God, I am available now. I want to be completely honest with you, I want to spend more time with you, more than now. It's pathetic, thirty minutes a day. Or less. It is NOT enough. So many times, you touch my on my shoulder, elbow, knuckles and I miss communion/communicating with you. God, I am sorry! Please help me. I cry for help, but do not stretch out to hold your hand. I am silly. Teach me. Be firm. Be who you are. I want to give it up. I can't right now, you are not asking me, but when you say "give it up" I will willingly go. I say this with confidence because you will give me strength when I need it, just enough to make it my will and all in You. I want to live with joy. Let me not succumb to the world, remind me of who you are and what I am every morning when I pray and listen and you tell me the stories of your people, the story of me, the story of You and Your Son. I want to write and write and not look back to check. Here you go. Check for me. After I am done, then I will check, yes. I need to learn this.

How I am so tired, my eyes are weary but I cannot leave because I am afraid. I am afraid as soon as I leave this computer, You will again be distant and I will again know not what to do and then do nothing or leave. Don't let me leave. DRAW ME. Give me a taste so I will hunger for me. Lord, I pray to hunger. I pray to want. I pray for thirst and want. I want to always want more of You.

What is it like to be free? I am not completely, but I should know.

I have forgotten so many things. I am an empirical child, impossible. But you're so great and good. I am amazed. I want to sing! Play the guitar! Shovel the snow! Feed the homeless. Clothe the poor. To give up one thing is to give up your entire life... you cannot stop giving. Where do I begin? Pride? Money? Clothes? Selfishness? Acceptance? I know you do speak to me, just help me be attentive to your voice.

I love you and want to love you with my entire life!
I want to "come before you in heaven with a good report card" (qtd. 10 year old Anson who is getting baptized this Christmas). I want you to smile.

So many words, now it is time for rest.
For integrity and continuity.
Don't just stop here. Keep on going.
God, one more thing. Always one more thing. Please help me know you love me.
Oh forgive me, how easily I forget your Son! KKKKKaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeewwwwrrr.
How easy I cannot 'feel' it and therefore don't know it.
Help.

Always, help.

Thank you for listening and reading if you've gotten this far.
Please pray for me and know I am praying for you, and for specifics please tell me!

Thank You.

Thank You, God, that I can Read

2009-12-08T16:31:00.000-05:00

"A book must be the axe for the frozen sea inside us."
- Kafka

Thank You, God, that I can read,
Taste! On which I cannot feed,
Look: back, in and out of here
Not alone in love and fear
That I can see another hand
And know that I can understand
Smell the blood of other backs
And see my own and what I lack

A feast, a mirror, a thing to know
(thank you God that I can read)
And most of all that I can grow.

I did not mean for it to rhyme, but it just happened that way. I didn't even want to write a 'poem'. Ah. Oh. Ee. Ah. Ooh- I had been stressing about my "Why I read, How I read, What I read" essay for ETS4U1 (Studies in Literature) and I was starting to wish I did not take the course, that I dropped out as two other people did, that I was eternally more insightful that I am now- and self-reflective too, while I am asking for miracles. I was worrying and unhappy and unable to trust God with my course- I was anxious about my marks and it hindered my freedom to do my best.

Today, I thank God because I feel I am free. It is not only an issue of marks, but of control and trust. I guess my own back is tired of shouldering my own (small) burden, so it gave way and now I don't have a burden. I am just doing to do my best, and truly not worrying about it because oh, what will worry do but lock up my cage and throw away the key (thankfully God's hand-eye coordination is amazing and manages to catch the key before it hits the bottom of the bin-of-no-return).

Anyways, I feel like there is hope! And in hindsight every obstacle has prepared me for bigger things and perhaps this small act of letting go of that which I really cannot hold and taking are of my own part to which I am assigned is preparing me to let go of bigger and more worry-some things.

Back to work, which I am now excited to do.
Much love,
E.

ghost

2009-12-01T18:47:00.009-05:00

A song to listen to when you discover this photograph: "Love Affair", by Copeland.

This didn't turn out the way I wanted- or expected- but I like it nonetheless, and it says something. What do you think?

Thinking Of Grad

2009-11-19T16:17:00.006-05:00

Prom dresses, anyone? This is mostly C's fault, she called me while I was working and we couldn't stop looking! These are from Dalia, spring/summer09 collection. Speaking of the end of the year, grad photos turned out so well... for everyone! Thank God I was last of the day, the photographer was a bit rough when the hands holding the roses and diploma weren't exactly right where they should be, but because I was last he wasn't rushed. I think I ended up taking 20 minutes, but everyone else's slots are 10 minutes.

Ah, back to school work.

Fair (8)

2009-11-17T20:41:00.006-05:00

I have a goal to trek through indie record label, Tooth and Nail's 40 currently signed artists by the end of next week. Came across this band, Fair, yesterday and I am quite, quite in love. It came out three years ago (6/6/06 - gasp!) and is still so sweet to the ear; it settles in unobtrusively, but nevertheless with a fresh breath of autumn air and a feeling of awake-ness. Aaron Sprinkle (lead vocals) I've heard about here and there, being the notable producer for some of my favourite bands, but I've never actually heard his own music. My favourites from this album are "Carelessness" (their single), "Attic" and "Unglued." Lyrics are meaningful and intelligent, vocals are clean and with perfect harmonies, and a good mix of soothing ambient and indie rock.

Please, if you have time and an ear or two free, click on the album art for streaming at purevolume.com/fair.

P.s. This reads kind of formally and like a very badly done review. Main point is, they are good. And I like them. You know when you like music and words just don't do it justice, only listening to it can? Yeah. Listen to it.

An Ode To Thermos

2009-11-15T18:28:00.012-05:00

No, I am not obsessed with my thermos.
This is for the lovely Donna, for a school project.

But, I would like to take this time to appreciate all that Thermos has done for me:
1. It has quenched my thirst during the long hot days of examination week. Of course, it had also caused constant breaks in my study in order to relieve myself... but anyway.
2. It has kept me hydrated during the long two weeks of crazy cold (cold as in the illness, but also a bit of cold, as in, well, 'brr' cold) last month. All I could do was sit around, mope and drink the hot orange-peel-herbal-Chinese-drink. Mmm. I love herbal orange drinks.
3. It has accompanied me during bus rides to church, crazy fun worship practices/parties and comfy cellgroup discussions. Apparently, thermoses are 'hip' so it has also helped me improve my 'look'.

Alright, back to attacking the 'History Essay Outline'.
I am not afraid, because my Thermos and I, we can conquer much of the world.

Thank You For Answering (With No)

2009-11-14T14:48:00.007-05:00

Sometimes I pray for something that I know is selfish, but I ask for it anyway...
But I am glad that, though God listens, he doesn't always give us what we want,
Instead he gives us what is best.

If I had gotten what I wanted,
All the things I thank God for
Before I sleep
When I rise
I would not have been able to say.

Thank You.

P.s. One of the things I am thankful for: my cell group, Team Fly! The name is so lame, and not my idea :).

Handtrap

2009-11-10T19:30:00.008-05:00

I am being trapped by my own weak willpower; my hand holds me down.
Going to take a breather.
Be back in a week.

... But Pulling Through (pt2)

2009-11-05T19:45:00.007-05:00

I feel much more at peace now, after just having the phrase enter and expand and wave across my mind, "There is none like You." There is no one else to turn to, no other thing can do justice, no other song or picture or word can satisfy, no other is like You, "I could search for all eternity long and find, and find, and find, and find, and find...
There is none like You."

I have let a funk settle in me, and though it happens: that motivations sometimes lose sway, meaning sometimes leaves me without foothold, I still have a Will within me, I can still make a choice. Though we have nothing to call our own; we are born with our bodies and our personalities are shaped without our permission (many times), and everything else has been everything else, but we still have our Will. And our Will is what changes, that little thing that moves and grows every time you make a choice, and it is that Will that allows God to flow over and allows you to release. And it is that Will that will choose to take Hold and pull through, Pull Out.

Edit: And the weight is lifting more and more, how good You are to me!

Sinking ... (pt1)

2009-11-05T17:33:00.006-05:00

My mom called a few moments ago, and I started crying because I feel like today has been so empty of meaning and motivation, and I am in turmoil over control verses trust, but is this trust I am facing the real and releasing Trust, or is it tired trust, or is it vain trust. I have not felt like doing or being anything today, I just am and that is a barely happening. I am kind of angry at - because he frustrates me, challenges me, and sometimes I think he is better than I (in a good way) and sometimes I think he is blind. I am not really angry at him, just angry that I have not said everything I need (want). I agree, but here is some more. I will say that soon. So many things and so many un-things are drowning me, and I do not even gasp for breath. I just sit and sink.

After I stopped talking to Mom, I realized that I had held the phone to my ear minutes after we had already hung up.

Edit: I am going to cut my brother's hair in three minutes, and I am excited because it gives me something to do and not only to occupy my hands and mind, but also is a chance to just clear my head. Sometimes, we fill our own heads with fog, and sometimes the things around us do, but there is always a line, a red ribbon, to draw us out and up.

24 is Enough

2009-10-28T16:04:00.009-04:00

"We need more time in the day!"
We joke about that a lot, but really
We need to use the time we have wisely.
I mean, if we were given more time, we would just do the same things, but for longer...

Lately, my entire day has been homework or projects.
And that means I get less sleep,
And that means I don't spend consistent time in the morning with God,
Which leads to more worrying, more stress, more control
And when I say more control, I mean I want more control,
And I try to control, but really it is not in my control,
And I am allowing control to control me,
And worrying leads to even less sleep, which leads to less time
For myself, for my family, for my fellowship; in silence,
Which leads to guilt, which leads to less prayer,
Which leads to less trust, which leads to where I am now.

Oh, it's good to put things into perspective.

I cannot help but look at every day, every class and think about my marks,
Especially in Studies in Literature where you are never sure,
But really what I need to do is enjoy my classes, do my best and leave the rest up to God. It's hard to do that when I have slipped into the state I am in. Gotta get out, gotta get up.

It's so hard! I want to explode.
Instead, I will go to the Y. Eat dinner.
Pray. Sleep.

Listening - The Most Serene Republic, "Emergency Performance Art Piece"
Reading - George Orwell, "Animal Farm"

Sideline Face

2009-10-20T16:29:00.005-04:00

It is the toughest to stand and watch the ones you love / move to something you can't follow
I am just a sideline face / watching their race
And the weather changes constantly

Trust In You

2009-10-09T21:08:00.004-04:00

Psalm 56:3 | Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You.

Sometimes, it's just so strange how many things we hold on to and forget to give up to God. Homework has been pressing on my mind; it's taking up a larger space than it needs to and I wasn't even aware until today. I am afraid for every assignment; it's good I am actually trying my best but honestly I am just going to do my best and not forget that, though I am a student, I am also a sister, a daughter, a cell-group leader, a Christian, a human being who really needs to exercise.

Dinner and Desert | Went to Moxie's with my two only-ones and then went to Demetri's for a FAT, FAT waffle (wow just typing that gave my stomach a little flip of pain). It was just so relaxing, so good to be true, so warm and comfy. So immature and real. There's a certain posture we have with each other that is honest. We talk about nonsense, but we are communicating love.

FamJam | My entire family is so tired; my parents have Sunday School, Retreat Workshop, and Night School (teaching all three) and I have homework, homework, homework... (my brother is young and still care-ish-free) I am anticipating FAMILY RETREAT this Sunday-Monday. Setting time for something very important... (prepare for an inspirational blabber!:) is very important.

Listening - Coeur de Pirate, "Pour un Infidèle"
Reading - You Shall Know Our Velocity!

The Clowns (P19)

2009-10-01T20:39:00.004-04:00

Ah, the staring of the clowns
Eyes move up
Travel down
They don't notice that they drown;

Ee, the talking of the clowns
Lips so big they are renown
Kissing ruse, through and through
Crowds of many, two by two;

I, observer of the clowns
Smell their sweet
Hidden deciet
Empty calories drag you down;

Oh, the crying of the clowns
Rushed mascara dripping down
Yearly trends will daily bind
Silly things of silly kind;

You, the clown, the clown, the clown
Hear me shout
Turn around
Deafly stand until you drown.

Parents at School What What What

2009-10-01T20:36:00.001-04:00

Hey, today my parents came to school to talk with my guidance counselor and I. It was so great, we prayed out loud in Chinese in front of the main office before going in, and we passed a lot of staring visual arts students...

Encouragement Notes

2009-09-24T18:24:00.002-04:00

Dear Evelyn-after-dinner,
Please remember to write those encouragement notes!
Love, Evelyn-before-dinner.

P.s. But seriously. Write them now.

Blessings/Growing

2009-09-19T16:06:00.006-04:00

Blessing
You have no idea what a blessing you are to others:

Last week, I wrote an encouragement note to someone (who is probably going to read this) because I felt really prompted to after reading their blog and seeing them around fellowship. I was honest and just kind of put myself out there, and didn't worry about if the person who got the encouragement note would read it or take it seriously or anything.
This week, I got an encouragement note back from them that quite encouraged me and brought a huge smile to my face and made me say, "THANK YOU, GOD!" in my room out loud when I was by myself after fellowship at home (I am not a loser).
I blessed someone by such a small act of kindness, and that someone will bless another whole bunch of people who will bless others who will bless others. I did something small, and they will do something small... but if you add (1 + 1)^x and keeping on adding and exponentially exploding until your fingers hurt and you see years have gone by... okay, blessings multiply.

We're part of something really, really big...

-----

Growing
This is someone my dad models and something I am striving to specifically do. Maybe I will blog about every time I level up. I don't know. Anyhow, here is something:

Just a while ago, someone gave someone else credit for something good that I had done that positively affected them. It was nothing really big, but it feels good to be recognized, yes? After the initial indignation... the feeling just kind of slipped away. Instead of being annoyed that I didn't get the credit, I am very thankful that something good happened in their life regardless of whodunit. And in fact, the ultimate credit (and specific credit) should go up to God because the something I said was definitely not intentional on my part as I was just trying to get people to not notice some, er, technical, uhm, difficulties.

There are other examples of these small things regarding me getting credit that happened recently (and it is in the small things we see character and character change) that I am consciously aware of. God has changed another part of me through molding and humility and my soul is one step (out of a humongous finite or infinite number I am not sure) closer to being a little Christ.

HALLELU-JAH AY-MEN FRUIT BEARIN' BROTHAHS AND SISTAHS.

Simple Life

2009-08-29T18:33:00.002-04:00

What a good day today was.
Simple, but you could see beauty and God everywhere!

I woke up at 12 (the second time I've done this in my life, other than being sick) pm, cooked lunch with Daddy, read the newspaper (what do you do when you read the newspaper? These are real people and they are locked up, beat up, raped up, shaken up. All I do is talk to God about it), prayed, did 1/4 of a sudoku (which I am failing at epicly... haven't done it for too long!).
Then, I went driving with Poppa (as in, I drove and he held on with fear in his eyes and a will in his mind... just kidding I am actually good) to church, then to McCowan and Highway 7, bought two scarved for FOUR DOLLARS (it was such a good find and my dad), found the most ridiculous thong in the world (I showed my dad and we were laughing for so long), wished someone a good day.
We went to No Frills and I realized I actually love grocery shopping, especially because I don't have to pay for anything and it's food! We bought so much food, my dad has been sighing ever since and telling me he will never bring me along ever again, his wallet is empty, lalala music to my ears he loves me and I love him.

Today, the sky was brilliant and the wind was perfect, and I enjoyed my Father and my father's presences very much... I find that whenever I think about praying later something inside me seizes up, but then I actually start to pray it is better, best, good. And now, I am enjoying Jon Foreman's soothing croon.

I am glad I am spending more time at home now... the past two months I've been out and running, for softball, for VBC, for friends, for birthdays, for farewells, for Resound, for Koinonia... but now I am more rested and home more and I can relieve dad of washing vegetables, and just be with him.

Father Time, steal our time, like a thief...
Come on and resurrect me!

VBC

2009-08-21T22:42:00.003-04:00

VBC just ended tonight, still processing this entire world.
It's a big small place, these kids and friends and food and play... and heat and cold and illness and work and lost voices... and love and growth and patience and love and love and love.

Perhaps next post.

3rd Floor Till 3am

2009-08-05T12:29:00.005-04:00

3rd floor till 3, these talks always leave me for the better.
Moma! Popa!

God is with me, wherever I go
He watches even while I rest from the run
And pushes me along when comes the wolf
Chastising me for my careless sleep

Arts Cafe

2009-07-31T23:29:00.005-04:00

I spent the entire day with Erika, which was entirely wonderful, and when we got to church there were so many people for her to meet, and for me to meet, and to make welcome and to introduce and to tell stories to: it was busy and crazy and actually I enjoyed myself immensely (many times, these things make me feel lonely but I did not! This is happening the more I am myself, which is happening a little at a time - a growing and embarrassing process).

Usually when we are at these type of Coffeehouses or Art Cafes, I am constantly (worrying and) thinking about what other people are thinking about. And I'm looking at people's faces and guessing at what they are thinking, who is sleeping, why are they sleeping, why are they not being touched, why do they not completely and utterly relate to that sharing that reflects their life, blah blah blah.

Tonight, I went in and made sure to keep focused my self. Because, the only soul I have control of is my own (and even that is subject to the pulls and pushes of the impossible to resist and terribly beautiful God). So, I calmed my heart with the help of the thought of God, and was able to focus.

When I narrowed my mind to the voice of God, this is what I heard, "Why are you striving these days? Why are you trying to earn grace? Why are you crying, let me lift up your face, just don't turn away. Why are you looking for love? Why are you searching, as if I'm not enough? To where will you run child, tell me, where will you run? To where will you run. I'll be by your side, wherever you fall. In the dead of night, whenever you call. And please don't fight these hands that are holding you, my hands are holding you." Isn't that the most amazing thing: God spoke directly to me. He knew I needed this song when I did not know I needed this song, when I was hoping each song would reach someone this song turned to me and kissed me on the forehead and said, "Dear child."

Lately, I've been trying to earn grace and then realizing I've been trying and then trying to not try and then trying too hard and then finally, losing sight of the One I was first trying for. I realize I have an irrational and dishonest fear of not having enough time. I am trying too hard to be a good Christian, to walk in God's ways when I do not even know enough about him to fall in constant - constant! - love with him. I am afraid I do not have enough time to know him, so I am skipping all the steps of a real and tangible relationship for the end without the mean: and what is the end of the race without all the steps behind?

God has cleared up so many of my doubts and invisible fears tonight, and I am excited to begin again, and again, and again with Him. This is so amazing, just when I got stuck in a rut where I did not know where to turn He made me look up and pointed to me a road I know I must head.

All the past roads were necessary, as is this one: to get to know Him, to know Him and allow myself to realize how much He knows me. To relate to Him and learn to love him.

YES! Another reason to pick up from 1st Samuel where I left disheartened last week. Look out, King David. Evelyn is revived! RAWR!

A Hershey Holiday

2009-07-17T11:19:00.004-04:00

The quality of this thoroughly sucks.
But here's to Hershey, PA & Virginia Beach, VA.

Here's to looking at battleships and old villages; beautiful and boring movies and winning an intense game of Chinese Checkers (haha beat one of my mom's best friends :) she was so sore); shopping and boating and catching nine fish, two of which were named Mrs. and Mr. Voldemart; beaches and wave catching and burning brothers; Indian caverns and fireflies; beautiful free four start hotel for a week; hours of basketball and disney channel (wizards, hannah montana, zach & cody...); gazing at Hersheypark's most feared ride: the thunderbolt! everyday while we passed with longing; chocolate, late night Bible readings (every night), sharings, best of all, family.

Here's to simplicity, growth, family and our Heavenly Father!

PS) And I almost forgot: here's to my dad's horrid singing that woke me up about a bajillion times on our 12 hour drive there.

ethernights (P18)

2009-06-19T11:26:00.003-04:00

touch my skin
touch my skin
oh, the moon! touch my skin
lightly drape yourself around me
like the memory i am in

just my neck
just my chin
a light web to take me in
entangle me all unawares
in ether-breeze of know and whim

oh it's heavy
but it's sweet
the salty taste of nectarines
rolling down my deep valley-face
a new road for traveling

All My Friends Are Eating A Lot Nowadays

2009-06-17T19:26:00.002-04:00

I feel like I am in a time of suspension.

Exams are still here...
Summer is waiting...

Enjoying life now, but won't miss it too much.

Rain, rain, I love it when you're here,
And I love it when you're gone!
All weather is all weather.

My stomach is getting flatter while my friends get fatter!
(I can hear the fans just singing along...)
Okay, that's not true. My friends are not getting fatter.
However much they eat, they seem to stay the same. Huh.

"Harshband"

2009-06-16T21:39:00.005-04:00

Dad comes in, "Oh my Son! Sun-Sun-Sun!"
| "Josh, why does dad love you so much more than me?"
Dad goes out and comes in again, "Oh my Son! SUN-SUN-SUN!"
| "He even sings about you."
...
| "Dad, why are you so mean to me but so nice to Josh?"
"It's my job. I am a harshband."

I really love my family;
Let us grow! Let us flourish!
Every time something bad happens we always grow, learn, apologize, forgive, love: praise God.
Without him, we would be nothing.

I finished Genesis and Exodus. I got into Leviticus and, like many others, failed after the first few chapters. But... as I was reading it, it was so eye opening to see how delicate approaching God was/is. We cannot flounce in boldly. They had pages and pages of (numbing) detail on how to honour God. It is strange to think that God does not change. The love he has he had and has. He is still just... and terrifying... reading about the 10 plagues made me shiver. And... I wish we had regular Bible Studies at church to really learn a little about each book. I remember back at NTCAC we did Genesis... and every week we had to say a "God is..." or else we weren't allowed to leave class...

Exams are wonderful! Studying is actually enjoyable... with my windows open and the sun rushing into my open arms, neck, toes. I have really, really cute toes. Today was a new day.

I forgot to do my one hour today. Going to do that now.

Hard Tuesdays, Clear Mind

2009-06-09T17:28:00.008-04:00

Working hard: studying for five hours everyday and enjoying it very much.

Playing hard: making the most of many moments spent with amazingly unique people; even walking home is a game. It seems to take longer and longer each day to walk because of the things we talk about/make fun of/laugh at/sing/make strange noises like (or not like, since it isn't anything I've ever heard before).

Exploring hard: so engrossed in the Universe and the sheer size and magnificence of it. Oh, these DK books. Have you seen those nebulae? How small I am. Doesn't it make you still to think that this is happening (or, technically, happened) while we are thinking about trivialities?

Disciplined: Exercise (jogging in the mornings, push ups and sit ups mixed in with weird yoga stuff every so often, a few times a day), an hour for God a day (a challenge from Crazy Love Sunday School this week). Balance: at least what I can do about it.

Exploring hard: so engrossed in the Bible and the sheer size and magnificence of it. Starting to understand the love for this book. I want to know God more. I want to love more. Be equipped. Be ready to speak. Be still.

Building hard: Family. Working hard at building my own part of the bridge. When I make Wor Teep with Crystal, we were just complimenting each other so much on the food and just saying how good it was in general. When I made it for Josh, he didn't even say thank you. I see so much of myself in my brother, it makes me sad. Learning to tell my parents everything. Trusting them and having them pray for me. Having them keep me accountable. Must spend more time with Josh though.

Things have never been better. I can think, my eyes aren't muddled, my head not clogged. I can breathe, I can run, I can spell words wrong at the top of my voice, I can kick doors open and be a ninja leaving the school, I can be ugly and be loved, I can do things now, I can let go of pride of stupid things. I am missing some of my favourite people, I am spending more time with others, I am thirsty but I got a thermos now, even though it leaks like mad, I forgot my agenda but it's okay, I don't care, I care so much; I am myself and comfortable and learning and stumbling in the best way.

Clap your hands, all ye children.

Good Thursdays and Bruised Elbows

2009-05-22T17:15:00.005-04:00

I bruised both my elbows when we went to wonderland on Thursday!
Wow, what a good day - good days make me tired.

Wonderland, we went on 14 rides... Behemoth twice in a row, five minute line ups; got wet while unbuckling our seat belts and trying to hide from the water in white water canyon; convincing the guys to go on the merry-go-round and naming my horse Starfire-Rose-Ruby-Red-Heart; trying to make conversation with a girl beside me on Drop Zone, but learning that she doesn't speak English (but she's white!); screaming on Thunder-Run; singing Oh Canada up the wooden rides; making friends with friends.

Coffeehouse, amazing. Honestly, God took all our pieces and fit them, tying them together in ways I never would have imagined for this coffeehouse. My monologue was about a party girl, a drinking girl, a girl who could not find herself under everything - and Evangel follows it up with a sharing about wanting to be a 'cool kid' as a child, giving up everything to be cool, like the girl in the monologue... but coming up empty, wanting more. The second worship set ended with 'By Your Side' (Tenth Avenue North) and then Zoe sharing about trusting God, about him being with her always. Then Graham spoke... and just. Oh! Everything was good. And I think everything was neccessary for someone... I thought the message was a bit too philosophical for some in a sense, but I know it was useful for a friend of mine ("IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE! FREEDOM MAKES SENSE!") and Zoe's sharing touched a friend and... Oh!

Then, back home, I studied for Biology, and honestly it was the best I've ever studied. Ever. I finally learned how to study! Growing is so surprising. Another surprise: I was reading 'Mere Christianity' by C. S. Lewis, and he was talking about how it is strange how we are always so surprised at the passing of time: 'My, just yesterday he was ten years old...' 'Time just flew by!' 'It felt like an eternity'. It is like a fish, every so often, going 'Hey look: it's wet!' He was talking about how we were made for more than time, that we are creatures that were designed for the ever of for.

I can't believe I have friends! No, but I mean... look at them. They like me!

I Have Never Walked So Slow

2009-05-17T18:23:00.002-04:00

WOLVERINE | I watched Wolverine with Candace - I love her - and I would love to blog about how embarrassing she is (let me give you an example: she walked around with a balloon parrot on her head in SilverCity. And then on her leg. Why. Why. WHY) and how much fun we had but, yes!, no, I won't.

WAITING | I called Simon to check bus times for me, and he said the 40 comes at 6:24 but after waiting for a long time, I went home and checked and it actually comes at 7:02. So, I walked out of the house with 15 minutes to spare. I have never walked so slow. The path from my house to the bus stop takes 3-5 minutes at most, and I had 15 minutes. At first, I was hurrying (why are we forever going somewhere in a rush?) but then I slowed down and turned around and saw the Sun. The moment I pivoted the rays pierced through the clouds. And like the parting of waves and hair, the floating dream of evaporated breath ran off to reveal a marvelous light. It was magnificent. I have never walked. So. Slow. Every day, I go to school in a rush, missing everything, you know? Every day, I walk to class in a hurry; everyone does. Yesterday was just a good chance to slow down, breathe, and realize how beautiful the world was. I sing out loud a lot when I travel now. I want to learn to bake cookies and give them to people I meet on buses, if they aren't scared of cookies from strangers. But, oh!

WHY | do so many people miss the beauty in grey days?
So much good and bad has happened since Friday; I wanted to blog about it, but instead I just talked to friends and family and, hey, things are better and light.

(Grand)mothers

2009-05-10T21:52:00.007-04:00

Mommy
I interrupted my mom's Sunday school (she was teaching) to give her a flower and the Aunties and Uncles did this: "AWWWWWW" collectively. It was amazing.

Ma-ma
My family sat in the dark after a Josh-Me-Dad-cooked dinner, surrounding an orange candle in our living room. Dad wanted to tell us about Grandma, because we didn't really know about her, other than that she loved us very much. He started off by telling us about her destructive relationship with my Grandpa, and how it caused hate and bitterness. It was so terribly sad so I cried at all the things that composed what was their family's tear-filled song. But I just praise God for changing my dad to become a man of Him, because my grandparents' lives were also changed. My Grandma liked to travel, and went to live with all eight of her children. I asked if they loved each other, and he said they did have some romantic love near the end; when my Grandma was away, my Grandpa would write love letters to her. After my Grandpa went heavenward, my Grandma got lung cancer. Before she died, she said she was afraid of three things: 1) losing sight in her other eye 2) not being able to see her entire family 3) pain. My dad always prayed with her and God gave my Grandma all three wishes before she went home.

Por-Por
I just got off the phone with my mom's mom. I haven't talked to her awhile; I kind of sense that she would rather talk to my mom, maybe our generational gap is too big. Anyway, it turns out she is learning English. No, you don't understand: she. Is. Learning. English. WHAT?! She is 92 years old and has never spoken an English word in her life (other than 'fank-you'). Apparently, the manager at her home is teaching her. The first word she told me was supposed to be "exercise" but apparently it's "lee-ser-lee". Then, she got intense! She knows "Beeef," "Chic-kun," "Mil(k)," and "Oranguce." I was running back and forth from my living room and kitchen yelling "GRANDMA YOU ARE SO GOOD!" and telling my mom what she was saying. It made me so, so happy and I'm glad I didn't say bye to her (I gave the phone to my mom) or else I would have burst into tears because I have so much love for her inside of me. Before, when she said bye to me, she would refuse to hang up the phone first, so I would have to and all I would hear is "Bye-bye, la! Bye-bye, la!" She really breaks my heart. I am making a new commitment to pray for her everyday.

Speaking of praying, right now I'm inconsistent again, so I will start small and build up. 15 minutes in the morning and 15 minutes before I sleep. Keep me accountable? Eek, it's already 10:30.

Miracles At TC

2009-05-07T00:59:00.004-04:00

It is so, so late, at least for me, and I am supposed to be studying biology for tomorrow's quiz, but I can't because I just feel so excited to write the poem for 4:24! I really didn't know what on thoughts and pencils and outsides to write about, but I asked God to give me something to share with other people and then boom a scene hit me. It was from TC jr, the last night. It was during altar call that Candace and I decided to step outside for some fresh air. I never blogged about this, but we had such a good conversation, one of those that makes you go, Yes, I understand. Oh, okay I was going to blog about how I am talking to Simon about his 4:24 poem and how amazing it is (All Of My Reason To Dream) but now I want to blog about something that happened during TC that amazed the doubts out of me.

The night before TC, during the Concert of Prayer, my brilliant and God-given TC coaches lead our team into a reflection in our own room, where it was quiet and still. First, we were just asked to reflect upon our past six months with each other, and to pray. I don't remember the exact details, but I remember that people started crying, humble apologies came out, honesty peeked out a little. And in the midst of it, I felt God's presence with me very strongly. And I had no doubt that it was God, and I felt that everything I was praying was perfect, pleasing and would be answered.
We were to wash one another's hands; when you were ready you would go up and have your hands washed, and after you would take the place of the person before you and await someone elses dirty fingers. During my prayer, I knew that I had to wash Candace's hands for some reason. I wanted to comfort her so badly, to be the one who would say the right words for her, but somehow I knew it wouldn't be me. I asked God to let me wash her hands, and so I went up and immediately afterwards Candace came up.
Afterwards, we were presented with our media sweaters. Before we could put them on, our counsellors gave us words that God had impressed into their hearts. Michelle just sent me the list: vessel, willing, adopted, beautiful, and on. It was so amazing, because somehow I knew who would get what words, I thought of the words before the counsellors said it.

It wasn't a gigantic miracle or anything, but it was to me because it just felt so amazing to be connected with God through something as personal as my thoughts.

"Safety"

2009-05-03T18:14:00.002-04:00

Yesterday, I went to Crystal's house for 12 hours to work on our Biology Video Project, our topic being "The Advantages... Blah Blah... Steroids." It was so epic! We wrote the script and all that, but when we actually did it we came up with so many good ideas right on the spot, and it was so funny because Crystal had to pretend to be a nerd dying from asthma (wearing a neon green UHS shirt with a dress shirt underneath) and it came so naturally for her! And then we got her older brother to help us, and he thought we were insane. Like for one scene, we were Dr. Seuss characters, and we were singing a song. I couldn't stop laughing so we asked him to help us and he's like, "Okay, YOU can sing about proteins all you want, but don't drag me in there with you." It was really fun, we were insaaane; there are so many things I want to write but no one would laugh because it was good only then and to us. I was so comfortable at her house (as always), we were sitting so cho-lo and everything: plus we were ultra-ugly. Like, seriously, so ugly. So we decided to camwhore a little and I wanted to gag looking at our pictures, haha! Yes, I love her a lot.

And oh, I taught her what "Safety" means, and farted at least once every fifteen minutes. Even during dinner with her family (HAHAHA) but I didn't say safety then, because... that's just... no. But yes, thinking about yesterday makes this bad morning much better.

Safety.

How Good It Is To Have (P17)

2009-04-28T18:29:00.004-04:00

God uses me to make a difference!
I am more than nothing in Him.

Please help me with the 4:24 poem, I don't know what to write but it's all good because it's for You!

-

Up and down and all the time:
This flux and fleeting world of woe,
So much farther - roads of hunger,
Blur colours faster - farther to go.

But, how great is it to have a hand,
To hold and touch and feel the hand,
Upon your back - bones of flesh and hearts of strength -
To allow for you to stand;

How good it is to have a fire,
A warm and zealous, raving fire,
Upon your core - the heart of strength and soul consumed -
To allow for words inspired;

How awesome is this Hand of strength,
Fire commanded, frown and fine
Calming seas and hearts and mine
Gentle now - and there and here and forever and then.

Seek And Ye Shall Find!

2009-04-22T22:46:00.005-04:00

Amazing: seek and ye shall find! Knock and the door shall be open unto you!

My parents attended this prayer conference,
And now we are all trying to pray everyday for half an hour.
After YMCA tonight, I sat on the couch from 10:00-10:30,
And I didn't even intend to pray for that long, but it happened,
like a natural conversation, I prayed and actually heard.

I was praying about how I really didn't know what to do when my friends are gossiping/mean-girl talking about other people at lunch. Should I say something? What can I even say? (Many times before, I'd pray about something that I planned to pray about, but now I pray about what is in front of me, to get it out of the way. The real problems are the daily trials, because God has the future and it is now that we always forget about; now that we have to change, not tomorrow; now that we have to stop doing this, start doing that - we are such procrastinators! Of everything! One more minute... next month... next year... when I am 17... in the summer...) So I just prayed that I didn't know what to do! And my Bible was right in front of me, and I thought "Wow, Evelyn." So I started to read Romans because I just felt drawn to it, and what I read was what I needed.

It reminded me that God knows me, truly, and sees me everywhere I am. That he has made me clean through his grace and that I need not feel guilty because his blood speaks for me. I have tried to use works as a way to deal with my own wrongdoings... I felt that God's grace was not sufficient but here it says it is! It is enough to free me.

Romans 8:6-8 "The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so. Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God." I've been struggling with downloading music, and honestly so many people I talk to about it say "it's okay" and "everyone does it" but really, it is still stealing and is unholy in God's sight. I have been thinking so long to give it up, but I haven't been able to! I've been taking it out of my mind, convincing myself it is so small, it is nothing, but sin cannot be where God is. Anyway, it says those who are controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God. And God commands us to love him with all our heart, souls, mind and strength... and I am not. I am being controlled by my own wants (as we all are born) but now that I read that verse, is it so reassuring that these things don't matter in the long run. Anyway, for now I am going to fast music/downloading/iPod/iTunes for May, because sometimes when I do devotions/pray music distracts me; also I spend a lot of time doing Album Art, looking for new music, etc.

After reading the first part of Romans 8, I came across a section titled "More Than Conquerors". This blew my mind away, because Simon sent me a song titled that, and I knew it was from the Bible but I never knew where it was from... I just started sighing, laughing, shaking my head and tearing up because it was a verse I highlighted a long time ago to help myself remember it/get through hard times and God just reminded me of his grace.

I am praying more and more... so many times, I forget to pray at school and that's when I screw up and I am impatient, unkind... but I am on an upward slope. Praying for many, many people right now, and somehow when I pray for them, a verse comes up that I can use, or I know what to pray for.

I said "I love You!" to God, and I just really pray and hope that I will do so through my actions daily. Pray for me!

Blessings to everyone,
Evelyn.

what is in front of me

2009-04-21T17:56:00.003-04:00

i've been writing a lot lately
in notebooks, in emails, in my head,
so i am not sure what to blog about except what is immediately in front of me:

friendship bracelets
so many of them. they are getting better and better. i have made 20 and more already! at first, the ones i made for tcmedia were 4 stringed, but i realized that 6 or 8 strings are more fun to make and, i think, a little prettier. i don't know, it depends if they want it subtle or not. i have not asked rachel hon yet, i just realized. what colour would you like? i have all the colours and more. at least three shades of blue. electric, lapis, pale.

gross things
my dad just showed me an uncooked ox-tongue, it is so gross! speaking of gross things, i saw a pooh this long (at least a foot, maybe even more!) at school! i tried to flush it, but it was perpendicular to the toilet hole , so it wouldn't go down when i tried! so gross, but i couldn't stop laughing. another gross thing, the ground was littered with hundreds of earthworms! i think earthworms are actually beautiful in their own way, but it was so gross, having them spilling onto the sidewalk, drying up, dying, moving for moist environment to allow them to diffuse oxygen into their bodies (i like biology, yes. i am going pretty well in school, ptL. but most importantly i am enjoying school and finally learning how to study and how i learn).

my dad
he just sang "poor little gal, pooh-ar little gal! poor little fathah!" i don't know what he is singing about, but it's wonderful. i like the gloomy weather a little bit, i feel very cosy in it. and now, i will go help dad make some yummy vegetables for dinner and do a lot of work.

The Sky Is Blue Today!

2009-04-15T17:13:00.006-04:00

Wow! Did you see that?
I looked up and the sky was blue!
It was such a pleasure walking home.

Yesterday, I was slightly put out walking home. I wanted to leave early, but a friend stopped me
in the name of being nice, saying 'don't go, don't go!' I ended up on the road home alone anyway, leaving the useless, bloating noise of the after-school conversation. I walked quickly and, irritated, I wished that my walk was shorter, my legs were longer, my steps swifter.

Today, I left without a goodbye. Walking quickly down the road, I looked forward; then left, right, left, no cars, and on my own way. I was suddenly reminded to look up. I did, and behold! It was blue! How magnificent, the sky is blue! I take it for granted, but it was cloudless and beautiful so I started singing. Seeing how the walk home was in the cool of shadows, I took a longer path through the park, and started skipping. I love twirling and I did it. There are so many words to describe unhappy things, misery, despair, anguish, bleakness, but only a few to describe good things. I don't know, it just felt good to take my time in the sun walking home. I even said hello to the people blowing leaves from my backyard.

-

Reading (done): Screwtape Letters.

bragging and being

2009-04-06T21:33:00.003-04:00

I think everyone is more beautiful the less they brag and the more they be.

It's funny how the two
should teach me lessons
in ways such as so.

-

I am struggling.

the like of you (P16)

2009-04-01T17:55:00.007-04:00

i must say,
i have quite not the like of you
as rocks eat up the how of soon
as we ululate to the sleepless moon
as the sun burns to the tune, to the tune
so i've not quite the like of you

i must say,
i have quitenot the likeof you
as flowering rocks turn july to june
as we remember the shadows of noon
as sunburns plastic and papers spoon
so i've notquite the likeof you

i must say,
i have quitnote the lifoke you
as rocks pregnated swell and swoon
as we are killed by that of goon
as sunward turning burned balloons
so i've notquite the lifoke you

slave

2009-04-01T17:34:00.001-04:00

what do you think about most?

whose slave are you?

treasure

2009-03-26T20:25:00.002-04:00

our life here on earth determines our entire eternity
if i have ever thought that, i thought it as a thought
and not thought it as a belief, and not believed it enough to do

if i believe in heaven,
how come i have not stored up treasure?

both today's program at charis
and paul washer's sermon
really put things into perspective

and to think...
does it even matter?
come on.

come on, evelyn, come on!

--

and God really listens

conjoyment

2009-03-25T17:59:00.003-04:00

i'm reading a book called
"the geography of bliss"

and basically it's about 'one grumps search for the happiest places in the world'
he went to switzerland (he being eric weiner) and said that in general, the swiss had a kind of happiness that was like contentment and joy... but not as still as contentment and less outrageous than joy. he labeled it 'conjoyment'.

i am feeling very conjoyful.

-

tc's over and school's back
i think for the first time, i am growing steadily and following after God
as in before, i'd usually have spiritual 'bursts', or 'highs' or even highs that would last for a month or so, but would die out because of exhaustion, or not living up to standards that i set on myself (more on that later)
but now... i feel a sense of solidness, like i am surprised that i am actually growing slowly and steadily because i've never felt like this before.
of course, i've felt immense peace but it only lasted a short while... but this is like i'm on a firm foundation.
i guess it has a lot to do with my life being more disciplined, and everything to do with God.

i mean, before i used to care so much about this game we play called 'social-life'
i'd stay after school to chat and chat about the dumbest things
or i'd stay up late at night talking on msn about the dumbest things
social life served it's purpose for a while, but honestly it has not contributed to anything
you could say that you get to know and be more comfortable with people
but we never get very far and relationships become stagnant and i do too
anyways, off from my anecdote

i used to be very... how do i say this.
i used to set these impossible standards for myself,
like i didn't give myself enough room to grow,
and as i failed those tests, everyday i'd beat myself and shut down
like for example, i'd pretend i was such a strong Christian
but i'd do everything but not actually do it in Christ,
i'd just... do it.

i'm trying to be as honest as i can now, to myself
it's a struggle i'm always facing, because as a child i've set impossible standards for myself
maybe it has to do with wanting to deserve love.
the thing is, i've never deserved it but i've always gotten it.

i feel very... free. like the weight of self-imposed guilt has vanished
i am fearing everything less and trying to love more

i am still scared sometimes to 'show' God at school,
and it's very sub-concious and unintential in a way,
i'd be going to the library with my bible and i'd hold it so no one could see it
but then i stop myself and go... what am i doing.
i wasn't even thinking of hiding it, but there i was hiding it and it's just all these small things i've done to stop God from entering my life at school.

today in the library, i was sitting at a carrier close to the window
and a non-christian acquaintance from drama was there and asked me for help
his name means "friend of God" but he's openly declared that he's the farthest from that...
so he asked me for help in physics, and i helped in...
well, what i am saying is, i didn't really care what he thought.
i mean, i was praying and reading the bible and whereas before i would be scared of other people seeing it... didn't matter to me anymore.

i know, it's something very stupid to be scared of... but it was always there.

what i am realizing is everything little thing i DO, God can be in it.
someone praises me at school for a talent or whatever, i don't give credit to God, i just say 'thanks' bashfully and change the topic.

i think i got into too many anecdotes there,
but the point is i am conjoyed that i am slowly growing
but i really need prayer that i don't stop and can really begin being a light in this darkness

i am such a fool for being stuck in my own little storm,
but now God's shown me a little bit of what it's like above the storm

today i wrote out all that love was "love is patient, love is kind" and i just saw how much sin i've really been committing, you know?

sin of ommission, sin of commission

lately, i've also learned to take things less personally,
i get hurt sometimes over very minor things still,
but it's gotten better.

the more i grow in God, the more i... am.

of course, i have so much more growing to do
SO MUCH MORE to DO!
but for now, i just wanted to share my conjoyment.

--

blog later:
- tc & miracles & hurts
- masks: easy to see, hard to penetrate
- serving

but this is for now.

strangely dim

2009-03-07T22:08:00.004-05:00

'and the things of earth will grow strangely dim
in the light of his glory and grace'

isn't it such a miracle that when we see one thing,
we our eyes physically focus on only one object,
everything else on the peripheral, everything else surrouding
becomes strangely blurry, strangely dim?

life is a wonder.

too often, i miss these things
and am flooded by complaints, worries
drowned by petty pains... unhappiness... unrest...
too often, i miss out.

today i was having a gigantic stomach-ache,
and i was just thinking of that war that was going on inside my body
how everything was hurting and fighting,
and i was amazed i was still alive after how i don't treat my body well,
and i was able to appreciate how strong my body is,
i really understood what God meant by my body being a temple...
and not only my body, but my mind... my interactions...
everything is a temple
and i have been vandalizing it.

the past few days,
i have procrastinated and procrastinated talking to God
and every night i would look back and say,
i was busy, i filled my day, but what for?
and i would promise to live tomorrow,
but it is seize the day, today.

i think i will be made very small in the next few days,
i am not sure, but i am sure i will be made into something.

i am excited for tomorrow practice at ETCBC,
we are dancing! we are creating a dance,

i really hope tcmedia gets it together,
for our own sakes too, because when we know it well, well, well,
we can worship even when we are on stage.

i guess all i can do is my own part,
and turn my own eyes upon Jesus.

i am a little scared of going to him,
but i know he loves me. and he's beside me,
and outside me and here. now.
and... yes. i am going to go and pray now.

i feel like a baby again.

crouching monsters, hidden shirts

2009-03-05T22:11:00.002-05:00

an ode to an old love's lost love,
this is to be seriously taken un-seriously and seriously.

a creeping and a licking,
a sticky tongue sticks out
a growling and a crawling,
the monster spins and shouts

on the bosom of the one
who loves it dearly as the sun
which shines and radiates the light
the monster creeping in the night!

a licking of a growling thing
a crawling of a creeping thing
the spinning and the shouting
of the monster on it's outing

it is running, it is hiding
oh the monster, it's abiding
on the bosom, some shirt of white
i hope the monster's found alright.

2Chr20:12

2009-02-28T09:45:00.002-05:00

"we do not know what to do, but we are looking to you for help"

the next two weeks will be scary
but i am already at peace because we have won
and all we have to do is fight for our predestined victory

what else is there to live for?

hermetic

2009-02-21T10:36:00.008-05:00

periods tell of what and how;
i fell down the stairs yesterday,
in more ways than one.

my heart, my heart
a hermetic heart
sealed shut, airtight.
it does its part,

it runs, it runs
from truth. it tells
with fancy prose.
it swells; to hell

i run, i run.
You walk on water
clear to red,
and crown to slaughter.

an immature heart
bruised, battered, airtight
i walked on the left,
and you were quite right.

God is Good, As Always

2009-02-18T02:26:00.003-05:00

oh, i am longing for so much more.
thank you, this is the heart i want!

God is so good,
he knows me, every single part.
He gives me everything I need;
he gives me pain and he gives me joy.
And everything is "unto the Lamb, who sits on the throne."
And I really am afraid in the back somewhere,
I am always, always afraid. But the thing is...
God is good. All the time.

Wow.

God has given me so, so much.
I MUST give it back.
I am very, very weak and always, always afraid.
But this will to give it back is so much stronger,
and it's not a feeling it's a knowing in here AND in here.
And I will fall, so please be his hands,
as you already are.

I was kind of scared for TC Media, but:
I am not God!

And God, who is God, is good.

NTS: EQUIP YOURSELF.

I want to say all theses specific examples,
But right now, I just want to share my JOY.
I am going to go pray, I wish everyone would have this JOY,
and that is why I must cast aside myself.
I have no idea how to really do that,
but I know, I KNOW,
Always, the moments, the pains and joys, the humility:

God is Good.

hurting back

2009-02-16T11:16:00.002-05:00

i am losing things i love to do.

life is good - painful and joyful,
i don't want to write about it and just be.

poems iv

2009-02-01T21:10:00.002-05:00

three more poems:
november, december...
february.

i grew each month, now that i look back.
staring at my feet, it seemed like i did not move at all.
but really, i was picked up and had flown.

please,
enjoy

hit so fast (P15)

2009-02-01T20:36:00.003-05:00

today.
i was hit very hard by a metaphor,
and then saved by God

hit so fast by anxious thoughts
of forward falls and autumn awnings
he swore in sign, the grey girl yawning
i moaned of pregnant clouds

hit so fast: my speech impaired-
take back last, 'tomorrow's hollow'
my breath borrowed, yest'day's swallow
i swore to mist-ate crowds

hit so fast: my bones dried red
blood-like fingers scripted murders
playing roles of great white herders
more oft' than most allowed

the people are crying, thinking, dreaming (P14)

2009-02-01T19:30:00.001-05:00

december 1, 2008:
it is cold outside, and i am thinking of a book.

how can backs bent straighten
untouched is his tear, it is open
bent and broken, right over unspilled
the coffee beans are dissolved and

how can cried creeds remain
against the cool of insecurity
of airplanes crashing in mid freeze
winter cold and the orange fray and

how can thoughts of thinking unravel
when mysteries within themselves
are confounding conundrums,
i dream, i think, of you.

the scientist (P13)

2009-02-01T19:00:00.001-05:00

november 25, 2008:
listening to coldplay.

sitting in shades of brilliant colours
reddrops are falling from mars
lying beside you, words circle the ice air
"you don't know how lovely you are"

trying on sweaters five sizes my difference
woven similarities, ours to claim
warming our backs on the back of your heater
"you don't know how lovely you are"

writing the letters across the piano
melodies from the five cent fingers
songs are sung, in the dark of street lanterns
"you don't know how lovely you are"

blue slumber calls you into the sun
equations make sense no more
sweet last kiss, yours are my honest wings
"you don't know how lovely you are"

i went on a date

2009-01-27T21:35:00.002-05:00

i went on a date

with myself.

yesterday, i promised that i wouldn't turn on the computer

and i broke my own promise because i needed to find a bus route.

so,

i went to ymca by myself by viva.

i was having a bad time connecting to myself/God that morning,

so i just said, hey, i'll just go and calm myself down.

on the way there, i saw an asian lemonade juice box,

and i was going to walk by it, and then i was like HEY!

i will not stand for this! and i picked it up (cold, ouch!)

and walked through a gargantuan pile of snow to the garbage can,

and walked through a different gargantuan pile of snow back.

i looked like i peed on my pants while they were down,

but it's okay because they were my black jeans (yes, i wear them everyday).

after ymca, i used the same bus ticket

(wow, i didn't spend so long there... but it felt good nonetheless!)

to go and find some black duct tape for my bootsies.

it was very cold outside, and walking to home depot was hard.

but the parking lot was empty-

(except for a white van... ooh let me label it with the stereotype 'sketchy')

-and i wanted to dance!

but my ears were falling off so i did not,

next time i will.

i did not find my duct tape, but i found other things.

but they are a secret, for secret reasons and secretive purposes.

it was good to spend this time for myself,

because the next few days are going to be people-fied.

aloneness never felt so good.

anyways, i hope you get to be alone everyday!

it's great! but real aloneness, none of that nonsense loneliness.

love, Ev.

ps) my post was kind of 'boring' but i haven't really

blogged about my life in a long time, so i am learning again.

you can do it, cherie!

2009-01-24T23:25:00.004-05:00

my dear cherie,

i want to say:

YOU CAN DO IT, BABY!

yes, i know, piano is just so stressful

it is so hard to practice those hours everyday

and it is harder and fingers are getting more tired

as the day approaches (TWO DAYS!)

and even though it's going to be a bit nerve racking,

it's going to be a bit pulse-racing,

i want to say:

YOU CAN DO IT, MON AMI(E)!

^with your hairy chest, i'm not sure if i should put in the E.

but, please know, piano is also a blessing from God,

it is something that you can do, something others

have never touched, something people 50 years old

wished they learned. piano is fun sometimes, no?

and though exams isn't fun,

i want to say:

YOU CAN DO IT, LUU GWOR SHIN!

and, know that, i've been praying for you a lot,

at first, i prayed that you would get a good mark,

but afterwards (don't hate me) i prayed that you would

just enjoy it, get an understanding examiner,

play it for something bigger than you, be able to be disciplined.

and that you would be happy with EVERYTHING,

not just that it's over, but that you gave your best

(everything that is past is your best now)

and you'll be satisfied even if the actual exam day

doesn't work our that well.

anyways, one more time:

YOU. CAN. SO. FREAKIN'. DO. IT!

plus, afterwards you get to hang out with me

and we get to watch hours of your favourite show,

and bake some MILK CALENDAR products that WON'T TURN OUT LIKE CRAP.

but for now,

cheers to life after piano!

look to God.

phil4:13 i can do all things in Christ who gives me strength.

i used this verse to keep me going when i was the weakest

i gave this verse to zoe when she was SO nervous for skating,

and now it's for you! take it!

I CAN DO ALL THINGS IN CHRIST WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH.

until later,

always, Big Bright Horse with the AWESOME GLASSES

ps) i only do embarassing things at school when you're around...

- falling in the three-ended hallway

- falling on the stairs because i was blind

- WHOA BUDDY!

pps) i miss you! our date better work. what date? we didn't plan it (:D) so it better work.

today was a bit rocky

2009-01-24T00:03:00.012-05:00

GOOD MORNING,

SNOWY BANKS & STUDY BOOKS

this morning, i was in touch with reality.

i was grounded, and i was light,

like i could be lifted by a breathe.

i get this feeling what i am disciplined

and when my elbows don't ache.

LAST NIGHT,

BROWN CUSHIONS & GREY'S ANATOMY

yesterday,

i was talking to a close friend.

her life is very, very broken.

she was back with someone who hinders her growth,

she talked about clothes like it was a part of her identity,

she talked about music as a saviour from the silence.

i was in such pain watching this,

and everytime i wanted to say something,

i didn't

because it was not for me to say anything,

but just listen.

i cried to God, please save my dear friend!

i do not know what to do! i was aching:

i want her to have life to the full;

in touch with reality,

in touch with her identity,

in touch with God.

but, God's timing is perfect,

he really knows who we are and what we need.

this morning, my devotion was

"The LORD shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace."

yes, i may cry. yes, i shall pray!

but it is HE who will fight, not i,

and i shall hold my peace.

AFTERNOON,

THEY HATIN' ON THE 80s

i had such a great anthropology exam;

studying was fun! i learned a lot of things,

i was just reading and wikipedia-ing everything,

and coming up with random things like:

THE DEVIL'S SWIMMING POOL (search it up, i want to go)

i found glasses in the basement,

and i wore them, but no one really liked them.

i didn't really care, because i liked them.

how wonderful life is, to find glasses like these.

i hope you see this evangel.

TONIGHT,

I CAME UP IN ASHES AND BLOOMED.

tonight was very bad for me,

i could not help but judge,

but i am not better, and if i point fingers,

then i point fingers at God who sent him.

i am much less than him if we count works and years,

much, much less.

i prayed that my pride would not take a hold of me,

that it wouldn't become a foothold for the devil,

so God took me down so i could look up to him.

all my conversations were useless

and a little fake, and i just wanted to be alone.

so i did go off by myself, but people came

and i didn't really mind. it's just,

hopefully people understand my being alone,

doesn't mean i'm lonely.

and sometimes, there's no need to come.

and sometimes, there is.

it's up for discernment or guesses.

having a reltaionship with God is so good!

you can touch base with the Light of the World

at anytime! all the time! i am still a baby,

and am not able to do that.

growing is touch, the process if hard, but so, so beautiful.

then i was afraid of satan,

that he would attack God through me through the ones i love.

but God told me, three hundred and 65 times:

Do Not Be Afraid. and oh, fear of the Lord

is so great! we can face anything in the world.

HOME,

THE RISING SUN

coming home,

something bad happened,

so then i cried.

i webcammed with my parents,

who are down in panama,

and i told them i just wanted a hug,

and a kiss, and look!

i understand why messengers do what they do,

i don't feel angry, i just want these games to end.

HOME,

MAYBE, SHAME NOT

i meant my 'sorry', but that's okay.

guess i need to mean my words to gain

more trust around the world.

someone encouraged me all through exams

and becoming fully human... he is an angel

i guess he knows how to be a 'gentleman'

and we won't connect on a deeper level,

(mentality & thinking process is so different)

but that's good: i don't think, i know.

what a lovely friend!

GOODBYE,

I HOPE YOU SEE THIS EVANGEL, YOU HATER

beautiful & burned

2009-01-21T22:19:00.005-05:00

we are made like this for a reason;

your eyelashes, your kneecaps, your liver.

you are as beautiful as you are ever beautiful.

(saira liaqat; just like us.)

victoria (P12)

2009-01-16T23:00:00.003-05:00

(what i felt before. now, it is just a chilly wind.

for all those people i left behind: i saw your pictures.)

Sun shades the dock end, rocking seagull-skies
Reflection of the blooming, Killers call goodbye
Breathe in the salt air, and hum, hum a sigh
This is the where-who, this is my—

Molten dappled sun, stripes and rings on my wall
Half winking windows, cry but naught fall
Breathe in the gold air, and lazily call
This is the where-so, this is my—

Stand on the hill-top, glancing red fallings
Fence white, now not, perch the grey Kings
Breathe in the crisp air, and wing-softly sing
This is the where-why, this is my—

Naked brown branches, stand proudly high
Lungs of the white, as hard as you try,
Cannot hold back, in the icy air cry
Sweet, sweet home; you forever are mine.

please

2009-01-14T00:59:00.002-05:00

be all i need

remind me everyday:

i am free; you are everything.

war is now

2009-01-11T22:02:00.007-05:00

we can't downplay things:

every decision is for God or for sin

what are you doing? why are you sleeping? why are you walking away?

these are the invisible battles

the cannons have roared

the guns have rang out

the stones are marching

the Infinite is here; your choice is now

young galaxy (8)

2009-01-07T19:25:00.005-05:00

two favourite songs so far:

1 come and see, fall to your knees

2 dailed your number, you blocked my call, your back is my wailing wall.

gorgeous mellow sound, very simple but profound;

indie pop/dream pop group from montreal (began in vancouver but moved);

easy to sing to, emotion ridden, you can sing this in the shower,

dance to it in flashing lights, lie on stars.

good find from s.iun.

softball

2009-01-07T19:01:00.004-05:00

let's all move.

NOTW

2009-01-07T18:50:00.004-05:00

it's hard to stay connected

the culture of school is overwhelming

complaints, gossip, clothes, marks, complaints

must be: NOTW.

kind of ironic, for bfh article

on anarchy & critical theory:

"remember: we are of this world."

and that is exactly how i do not want to live.

i mean, within the context of this society, anarchy makes sense...

but when you're an alien, stranger, foreign, peculiar:

things are much clearer within four, or six, walls.

really don't want to blog about this right now.

books: blindness & seeing

2009-01-03T16:15:00.004-05:00

these books are written with such sophistication and clarity of thought, depicting chaos and confusion, disasters both physical, psychological and political, that draws you into specific details and small nuances which paint an entire canvas of the wretched and beautiful species that is humanity. it shows both the cold hearted and warm blooded side of people, with gorgeous vocabulary sings the reasoning and logic and the illogic of choices people make when faced with desperation. these books show the physical and political (power?) decay that comes with blindness, with an inability to see your surroundings and thusly the ineptitude to properly enhance it, help it grow, make it better.

no more excuses

2009-01-02T14:45:00.002-05:00

why do we do the things we do?

succumbing to the stupidities of our generation,

we don't seem very different;

we think there is a middle ground of Christianity,

but there isn't, and calling yourself one and not living like one

is even worse than saying 'screw Christianity' and living that

because at least they aren't lying to everyone, God, themselves

there is no middle ground, but that is what the other side is disguised as

lukewarmness, disgusts God, this skin that drapes over us

for so long i have lived like this, actually lying to myself

trying to convince myself i am okay, i am doing right, i am good

and when i got close to acknowledging the full-fledged utter crap that was myself

i would shut it down, shun it as obscene, where, in reality

my lies were obscene; atrocious, lascivious, vile;

they did not seem like lies, rather, like omissions of thought and feeling

which were boring, sloth-like, and apathetic: making them what they were: disgusting;

God's timing is ALWAYS the best, and his opinions(?) matter the MOST

what value is there is how others look at us,

what small rewards we gain from someone else's jealous eyes,

small trinkets, childhood toys, marred by the temporal pulls of finite life;

we have been conditioned, told, pressured to care

about these vile, vain, valueless things like clothes and hair

these things all go away with a flurry of movement and wisp of smoke

these things DO NOT MATTER,

we need to start living like we are infinite because our life has BEGUN!

oh boys and girls, why do we look upon vulgarities?

last night when we were watching youtube videos, and we were laughing at this one where a black man is killing a praying-mantis/spider, and swearing insanely: why are we taking joy in something that is embarrassing in front of the Lord? we would never show this in church and we would never show this to God. i felt stupid, God was asking why didn't you stop it and do something constructive, loving, beautiful and not waste TIME and ENERGY and laughter - which is beautiful and created by one who loves to laugh, smile, enjoy, delight in, etcetera - on this? sometimes, i ask too many questions, "why, how, what?" and should just do it when i am urged to. sorry, sorry i am helpless and yet you have given me so many things to use, i have no tools; i say this when i am well equipped for every good work;

i thank God for rescuing me from the clutches of myself,

or of what this world has instilled in me and what i call my 'identity'

i was lost but now am found, and need to be found daily

he said Follow Me and now he says Everyday

and i want to take up this burden which is freedom

and be with him always,

public prayer sometimes bothers me

because it seems, sometimes, we aren't even talking to God;

thank you God for rescuing me from my smart words

and humbling me, making me small, stupid, weak when i was proud:

pride is a huge problem for me,

God has given me so much to take pride in,

but rather than giving it up to the skies which are his hands, his work, his art

i take them in, greedily, for myself and take them as my own chains

and thus they hold me;

only this YhWy that we can even call

(WE CAN TALK TO GOD, WHAT?! WE CAN TALK TO HIM?!)

can make our weaknesses something to show

the worst, most disgusting parts of our body

we give special honor;

only today have i accepted

that i will love my baby of the future

love the people that i do not want to associate with

because to be crippled is to be crowned

and the lame are to be given a higher standing;

i just want to praise GOD

because in this broken world

he is still GOD,

he is alive!

and oh i am living with him,

i praise you,

Lord thank you for my brother who just showed me a hilarious picture of nickelback

i praise you,

Lord give me the strength to praise you in weariness and weakness

and trouble and toil and dirt and quicksand(?) and darkness

let me praise you with my life

take my heart it is yours

forever, because you hold that

and this and everything

please take these people i love so much

and keep them alive to fulfill their work, reason, Will,

i am afraid they will not fully be alive;

You are perfect where we are not,

TAKE IT ALL! PLEASE! JUST TAKE ME!

Amen.

six word memoir

2008-12-31T16:00:00.003-05:00

aching elbows, naked eyes, straight teeth.

new years (P11)

2008-12-31T14:17:00.005-05:00

new years (i)//

it is another year,

another three, six, five of do not fears

a reset button pressed by one

resolutions: pointless unless done

what is this counting down?

shouting, singing, counting down!

cold and drunk we're dounting cown (?)

sad and stricken, i feel no different

if everyday were a new years

fervor burns with zeal and fire

people gather with desire

three, six, five, begone, my fears!

that i would sleep and rest my head

more perfect than that of morn

that i yawned long and drowsy

sun in face and out of bed

then how alive would we all be?

one two seven four five six three

another year of no more fears

sober tears and unclogged ears

hallelujah everyday,

in my quiet i rest and pray

today would be for work and play

growing, changing, in this way-

-becoming fully what we are

for this our Father in Heaven art

earnest working for our home

take me! hold me! i am your own.

clarity//

love those that they don't, and those that won't do.

devotion//

i have been the rocky ground

i have been the choked-by-thorns

i have been on the fence

i have been in the dark masqueraded as middle ground

i have been lying

i have been dirty

i have been wrong

was blind, but now i see.

fashion blogs//

i read a lot of fashion blogs lately

or, skimmed through them

it is so interesting to see these creative people

piece such ordinary picks into an extravagant work

and then i got really excited and wanted to do that too;

DIY shirts, buttons, high heels; hair; make-up; accessorize; belts, buckles, charms, silver, glitter; glasses, sun-glasses, ray-bans; purse, bag, leather, snakeskin; wool, cotton, cloth, sewing, thread, needle, buttons; stockings, socks, bare feet, panty-hose, fish-net; painted toes, french manicured fingers, nail polish, bottom coat, top coat, clear coat, sparkles coat, filing, trimming, cutting, smoothing, shining, stars; bracelets, chunky, thin, chain, buttons, necklaces, chunky, thin, chain, buttons; earrings, dangly, hoop, expensive, cheap, studs; thrifted, guess, diy, armani, value village; puffy sleeves, tight sleeves, loose sleeves, no sleeves, shrug, shoulders, knees, toes, my fair lady, buttons, buttons, buttons: RAH RAH RAH!

but: in the end it is all in vain,

these things blow away, and who is looking?

cunning is the whisperer, he entices and dresses as white.

new years (ii)//

it's new years every day

there is a difference

between saying it, and moving;

and there is a difference

between today and tomorrow's today.

story: 'Good Mourning'

2008-12-24T16:59:00.012-05:00

(this was originally written for my bfh culminating project,

but i like it, so here it is)

The boom of far off thunder that still shakes the cages of the mourners' bodies is the bass for this song named Mourning. The deep roar is harmonized by rain that comes down in separate drops, like a million little worlds, or a big one broken into pieces; rain the falling of a quiet snare. And above all else, the plucking of heartstrings enunciated by silent tears that mixes with the million worldlettes: the melody of melancholy. It would be appropriate to have tall men with black hats and small women with black skirts, satin and silk lightly brushing the muddied floor, adding to the Mourning, but in this gloom of an afternoon, the umbrellas are red and yellow and aqua, vigilantly fighting the sky and adding a sun to the fray of black clothes with black faces.

A voice begins and the hush, hush descends on the crowd, blank faces downcast black and black clothes wet. A girl has died today; a girl has died a week ago, today. She was far too young; she had an entire life to live. God has a reason or maybe it wasn't reason. Maybe it was an accident; I'm sure it was. Murmurs that one hums are exact replicas of the murmurs beside it, all as one humming the same, blank faces, black shoes, umbrellas coloured for the wrong day.

She was a good girl, she was my beautiful daughter, she listened to me and looked me in the eyes, she kissed me goodnight, she said sorry. She rebuked the singing crowd, she wrote poems and stories, she got an A in every course; she was a good girl. Voices murmur the same humming tune, the same Mourning. On different faces the same sigh, the same: she was too young. And as the distant thunder ended its last boom, boom of the hour, the rain began to lighten so that you could count the colours in each drop; the umbrellas needed not to fight the sky anymore. The song was done as was the day, but on each person's tongue, oh, oh, this girl was too young.

2Cor12.9

2008-12-21T18:13:00.003-05:00

my grace is sufficient for you,
for my power is made perfect in weakness

pantyhose & comfy clothes

2008-12-21T16:40:00.007-05:00

VYBE PARTY

yesterday, i went to the vybe christmas party with a bunch of friends, talented in the dancing ways (and of course, those that lacked in body movement skill, of which i was in the latter group). it was pretty fun to dress up, even though we had to walk in the cold to jto's car (it was SO cold) and squish ourselves plus ten thousand bags (of which nine thousand were carrie's) and a dilemma between wearing heels or flats and another dilemma between whether to poof thy hair or not to poof thy hair and then figuring out we were very late and then really figuring out everyone else was even later.

when dilemmas consist of shoes and hair... you know what kind of night it is.

anyways, we got there and i went to the front with a bunch of brave and non-brave-old-timers to learn how to do some hip-hop to No Air. it was pretty fun, except that i can't dance and my flats wouldn't let me turn properly and it was at the front of the room and the camera was pointed right at us. and the instructor (danny?) was pretty funny, he used the words "ka-ka" a lot. Like, "the world, revolves around...KA-KA!"

i met some new people... okay i met one new person (josh, i think, cherie's friend). but it was pretty fun, even though i had to put up with jto & ev all night making fun of me, touching my poof (yes, i decided to poof the hair; and wear flats for dancing & heels for everything else), imitating eagles... you get the point.

the rest of the night was watching dances & playing 'embarrassing get to know each other games', of which i played... none. but it's okay, watching was really funny. anyways, the dances were SO GOOD! i am so proud of my dancing flashing radiant friends for being able to move their bodies so toughly & fluidly & beautifully. but yo, L.O.V.E (ladies of vybe entertainment) were very, very experienced. they did one to Black & Gold and it was very scandalous but also very captivating at the same time. and then the guys imitated them which was crazy hilarious.

AFTER VYBE

and then afterwards we loitered around for a long time just around the angus glen lobby; i sat on the ledge and it felt so peaceful after a kind of hectic night. we were watching this lone hockey player just messing around on the ice, and i felt kind of like i wanted some piece of that. to be able to do something at 10 at night or 5 in the morning because you love it so much and are dedicated to it. it's like writing songs, or books, or drawing or running. i wish i could play guitar; maybe i'll marry someone who can and we'll be a two-person team, kind of like the gypsy parade (which i highly recommend; www.myspace.com/gypsyparade i think it was). but anyways, a friend was being silly and yelling at the hockey player through the glass about how she loved him and of course she didn't mean it but she was kind of serious, asking us "do you think he hears me? i love him so much!" and i was kind of scared. i hope i don't come off like that, and i only hope that because sometimes i am not real. and i know this because what i am sometimes isn't what i look like. of course, everyone struggles with this, but i can pinpoint many small times. i have to watch what i say, especially to people like my friend, who i was scared of and scared for. this reminds me of this other friend who was wearing high healed boots but felt she was too formal so she asked her mom to bring her her normal boots. i was just so... i just thought it was such a small thing, it shouldn't matter so much! no one really notices (she didn't meet any new people as far as i know) and no one really cares (people were wearing heels). i just thought it was a kind of waste of gas and made me realize that i spend too much time on these kind of things too.

PANTYHOSE & COMFY CLOTHES

it was fun dressing up, but i find real beauty in quiet mornings and snow filtered sunlight. i was kind of feeling odd in my flashy clothes so in the middle of the night i changed into my sweats, cardigan & tank top and boots. i felt so much more natural. why did i dress up? it was pretty. why did i change? it was beautiful. no, it actually wasn't. well, it was in my own way but i only wrote that because it sounds like i can use it for some (cheesy if done badly) book.

i imagine sitting on a window ledge and playing music. since i can't play guitar, i imagine sitting on a window ledge and singing to someone else playing guitar. i need to find a house with a sit-able ledge.

i really like listening to simon & sam jam, they were made for each other, so it seems.

THOUGHTS ON THOUGHTS

i have rarely blogged so... bluntly. it reminds me of the diary days.

sometimes, sundays make me unhappy. but i am finding some beauty and joy in this, even if it's slowly. i think God is very beautiful, i am going to go outside and shuffle the snow because that is beautiful too.

*i am so dumb! i wrote "shuffle" and i definitely meant "shovel"

BREATHING

hi God, you are beautiful. please help me; i have many small troubles that are probably from bigger troubles that i care not to admit. also, please help me & evangel for writing the media thing because it's due tuesday. also, i am very, very afraid of beginning my bfh project, i am making it bigger in my mind than i ought, sorry God! and also, i'm very lazy please forgive me - as in i always try to change but my things don't work. and... yeah, please help me learn your voice because sometimes i'm not sure if i'm listening right but other times i hear so clearly! i am just a baby sometimes, sorry God.

you are the joy i find when i go to sunday services and see the apart-s so clear i don't know what to do. you are my only hope! also, my chest kind of hurts because i don't know how to breathe yet. also, my knuckles are calloused from the holes. my eyes are bloated, and i think about myself a lot. i am the worst. and today there was an empty seat and i was very happy and it was filled by green and i was even happier. he's very beautiful, God. please help me learn from his examples.

PARTING

heartbreak movie: doctor zhivago

i am so tearful for my mom & dad,

thank you so much they found each other. thank you with all i am, God.

*i just reread some of my august posts.

i am expressive most when i am sad.

beauty is the wisps of snow

2008-12-19T18:00:00.000-05:00

OUTSIDE

it so, so beautiful

the wisps of snow

blowing fast and ferociously through the wild

over the pond that is a jar of ice

across the field that is frozen

and it is like magic and it is science and it is God

it is the flying away of a thin layer of snow

across the ice water, creating crystals and wings

it was so fun! running through the snow

as idiotically as we could, i even fell

and feeling as if we were saving polar bears

and just being free in our zipped up coats

like eskimos, like a grade three child

who didn't WANT to zip up, but we did.

back home,

i shovelled snow for the walk

and even a bit for my neighbours,

but i was scared they would come out

and peer upon me with new strangeness

i wanted to be unknown, and it felt good.
it feels good to do good, to make good

to be good, and not be recognized.

INSIDE

when i got in, i went upstairs and realized

that my legs were entirely frozen

but my tingle toes and feet were hot

and touching my foot to my thigh crossed leg

when i was washing my feet in the sink (i like to do that a lot now)

it felt like i was connecting something incomprehensible

hot blooded toes and numbed thighs, two enemies or lovers;

i felt very beautiful.

LOVERS

today at civics, it felt very good to just

relax and sit and laugh and talk about nothing

and realizing this nothing talk was not to fill the silence

not just a conversation, but a comfort.

i said that i wanted a guy who could sing and play guitar

and evangel said that it was twilight brainwashing me,

but it isn't. what i meant was, i want a boy, a man

who appreciates the beauty of simplicity,

someone who would sing even if they suck a lot,

some smiling person who would grow with me,

some person who would let me try and understand,

some running through grass boy,

someone stroking my hair.

i don't know, these are all things that aren't really what i am looking for

but just something to add to the heart,

i know! but i can't voice it!

i don't really want to talk about guys right now,

though it's always a subject that's easy to get into.

BREAK

so this break, i don't want to stress myself about bfh

but i don't know how i can do it without stress

God, help me. this isn't about the marks, after all.

what can i do for you today?

dedicated: sing

2008-12-19T16:41:00.007-05:00

instead of making pizza pops

i will blog about a friend,

because i said i would.

SING

hi my name is SiNg

i used to have hard sharp hair./

i play the guitar and drums

and sing pretty freakin' well/

i have pretty cool music

and like to give it to cool people//

hi my name is SiNg

i now have soft long hair/

i am as tall as a tower

and i skyrocket every day/

i am very mean

but other than that, i am okay.//

the kooks (8)

2008-12-17T21:05:00.011-05:00

THE KOOKS

are absolutely gorgeous

their style is indie and freedom,

they are not restrained

and his voice, oh sweet like, his voice:

"my little one" (that's from matchbox)

i like to pretend

that he sings it to me.

HOME WORK

i am digressing, back to you:

bfh journal extension.

clear fog

2008-12-16T18:36:00.006-05:00

LOOKING BACK

not just moods

they weren't just moods

they were deep seated feelings

of down thick grey, the fog penetrating even the blanket of sky

like the stars held no more light, like the thousands of light years

didn't exist and now i know all the sky-fires have died.

of flamboyant happiness, bouncing in my seat with love for all

like a balloon that wouldn't stay, like a hollow boned creature

that could just jump and forever land on nothing.

that was saturday and

that was sunday this week.

LOVE

so on sunday i came with a will to listen to God

and He spoke to me, recalling the dark and the consuming smiles

and how i reacted to my 'mood swings' and what i was like

and i realize that love should not be dictated by what i feel

love should be how i act towards others aside from the roller coaster;

and just because it's genuine doesn't mean i don't have a choice

i can be genuine and choose what i do at the same time

because to be true to myself i must be true to Love.

A QUESTION WAS THE ANWER

God told me to ask the question:

How can i love today in this place?

and i will forget and i will remember

but i will try

i think this love brings me out of the fog

because i have a will to do and even if i don't come out

it's alright; purpose calls and is really, really strong

SAY

And he said it was good.